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The Bachelogrette: Episode 7

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After arriving at the luscious Brionne Beaches, the crew and contestants could not wait to get out of the steaming hot Bachelor-Bus and in to the cool water. The sun was so bright and warm, it was unmistakably the work of a Wizard's Magic Dome. As the bus' doors opened, Lennifer and the Bachelors flooded out like water from a bursting dam. To avoid prying eyes, Nes had pretty much bought up the entire area, providing everyone with a kingly hotel room and enough food and chomp-ain to last a lifetime.

 

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Even though Lennifer had gotten completely wasted on the strange, bubbly beverage she'd never had before within the first 2 hours of the day, every day... good times were had by all. Well... almost.

 

Nobody could look past Dogbert's bald, veiny body throughout the week. The Minotaur sacrificed a great deal of hair and nerve-endings to try and appeal to Lennifer. And we're not even going to mention the speedo, it was loud enough on its own. Whatever disappointment Lennifer first felt after she saw that the mean Mino had lost his fluffyness was quickly brushed aside when he explained what he went through in the hopes of impressing the Ogress. Dogbert's strange mix of shyness, inexperience and blood-fueled rage made him an interesting fellow and he was the only remaining contestant that had the strength to carry Lennifer in to the water, like he was carrying his bride over the threshold.

 

Nes proved himself at home under the searing sun, throwing money and swagger around like nobody's business. He was surprisingly well-built for an Elf and his natural cocky attitude made him look more appealing with every passing moment. Even the other contestants seemed to gravitate towards him for tips and advice on how to properly tackle the competition. Even though the Production appreciates Nes' enormous wealth, it did seem like he wanted to be loved by everyone so much, that he kind of forgot about the actual competition.

 

At first, Lennifer thought that Lenny had brought a seaside-snack but it later turned out to be his pet. After a couple of minutes of flexing in his wet t-shirt he was able to convince the Bachelogrette not to eat the pup and instead feast upon his unusually tanned Elven pectoral muscles instead. Bringing a boat was a nice idea, but it sank immediately once Lennifer tried to board. Ah, well, they both had a good laugh as they tussled around in the water before whipping out the fishing poles. They sat side by side, talking about life, love and Og-dor, ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand soaking up the thirst of the land until the sun went down. They never caught any fish.

 

It was very hard to track down Hans, as he spent most of his time sneaking around the perimeter of the Magic Dome, shooting random passers-by in the kneecaps. The Beastmen did not seem to care much for the whole "swimsuit idea". He promised to make time for a romantic swim at some point but we weren't able to catch him on camera at all. The guy's REALLY good at doing stealthy things.

 

After several hours of watching a Skaven in full plated armour flailing a whip at imaginary bad guys whilst shouting about the evil sand-people, the other contestants and crew had realised that Mr.Turner had gone completely insane. Sure, it was funny for the first few hours, but everyone just kind of grew worried about his mental health after that. Too much time spent too close to Warpstone is what we're guessing.

 

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The week of fun in the sun came to an end far too quickly for most of our contestants, now gathered around a large table in the middle of a private beach. Lanterns hung high above their heads, shining a dim glow in to the dark blue sky. At the end of the table sits Lennifer, the Handsome Coach on her left and the tiny table with the ceremonial rock on her right.

 

"It's that time again, gentle-people, welcome to the 7th Episode of the Bachelogrette." the Handsome Coach speaks as he slowly stands up. "All of you had a whole week to spend on the beach, performing beach-related activities in beach-related clothing. It seems Lennifer had a pretty good time, didn't you, Lennifer?" the Handsome Coach asks everyone's favourite Ogre as she nods enthusiastically. "But..." the Handsome Coach continues "... as is tradition, one of you must leave the show tonight. Lennifer, if you'd please do the honours." The Handsome Coach motions towards the ceremonial rock.

 

Lennifer stands up, her beach-body blubbering around with every move she makes, like a wet sack of astrogranite. She grabs the rock in her chunky hand and flips it around a few times, staring at the remaining contestants, thinking about her choice. After several seconds of deliberation, she locks on to Mr.Turner and fastballs the rock towards his plate-covered skull. It hits the rat-man... hard. So hard in fact that the rock shatters in to two pieces upon impact.

 

One of the pieces falls to the ground, but the second one turns out to be an unfortunate ricochet and smacks Hans in the side of the head. "Erm..." the Handsome Coach groans as everything goes silent. "... that's a... double elimination... ?" he says-asks as he turns his head to Lennifer. "... Sure?" the big gal nods as she kind-of-sort-of confirms.

 

"It's been a fun ride for all of us, Hans and Mr.Turner, but it seems like the lack of swimsuits on your end has been your downfall." the Handsome Coach resumes the show. " @Sliceanddice and @Waleed, both of you may speak some words before returning home. You should be proud you made it this far! ..."

 

"Now that the peasantry is gone there's only 3 contestants left to choose from! @brocCooLi, @Fantus and @Suido, all of you would make a great man for our Bachelogrette, we're sure of that. But is there anything else you're great at? Perhaps you've got some hidden talent you've never shown anyone before? Well, you better hope so! Because it's time to show off what you got this week! You're to reveal a hidden talent of yours in an attempt to 'wow' the Bachelogrette."

 

"What's your hidden talent, Lennifer?" the Handsome Coach asks the cuddliest Ogre around. "I count to seven" she replies as she holds up both her hands and six fingers total. "Amazing!" the Handsome Coach quickly interjects as the camera cuts back to him right before the screen fades in to the sunset over the ocean... .

Edited by C2MC

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A-okay, have fun Lennifer and good luck fellow contestants -
 "swimsuits  are not my thing"
Hans :D

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Good luck for other contestants and let the Nuffle be with you.

By the way. Nes: Don't look through the money vault too thoroughly.... something blue might be missing.

 

Signed

Still-not-dead 

Mr. Turner

 

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*Lennifer stands around juggling Gnoblars, not realising that this is her actual hidden talent.*

 

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Nes looks uncomfortably where he stands.

 

"I dont know if I have a hidden talent. Usually I just spend money and everything works out."

He stands in silence for a while.

 

"You see, growing up as a high elf, its all about money. I dont even know if I had any true friends growing up, it was all about buying popularity. The one with most money won. Its first now, in this competition that I actually started to understand that money isnt all. Money doesnt matter as long as you have someone to love." Nes looks at Lennifer and blushes.

 

"I have always had this fear in me. That I need to use money to be popular and solve everything."

Nes looks around at the other two contestants and back at Lennifer.

"I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink, but now Im insecure and I care what people think."

 

Nes looks down and take a deep breath.

"This competition has done so much for me. I actually feel that I have some true friends now, even if its a competition about winning a ladys heart. And Mr. Turner, you can keep the blue thing."

 

He looks up at Lennifer again.

"But a hidden talent. I dont know to be honest. I give rather good foot massages, and my lasagna is to die for. But other than that, I dont know."

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I know a lot about eggs. More details to follow, after I have a nap.

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It may surprise you, but I was not always the hugely talented, gorgeous, heart-throb player you see before you today. 

 

Image result for lenny kravitz

Who's really really ridiculously good looking? This guy.

 

My origins were not so glamorous. I grew up poor, but happy, on my parents' egg farm. You heard right. Egg farm, not chickens. We farmed any animal that lays eggs. So I know a little something something about this most vital of foodstuffs.

 

Firstly, dat protein. These days you can't be a rock star or a superstar blood bowlers without hitting the gym and making gains. Pound for pound, chicken eggs have more total protein content than meat. Word.

 

Fact number two. Been pranked by your housemate who hard boiled all your eggs? I know the feeling. Here's a neat trick to tell between a cooked and uncooked egg. Spin it like a record. If the insides are liquid, the egg won't spin well cos it's all sloshing around. If the insides are solid, it'll go like a fidget spinner. Bonus physics included in this fact.

 

3. You can tell what colour egg a chicken will lay by looking at the earlobes

 

Five. Echidna eggs are bloody hard to collect. The echidna will lay on its back, pop the egg out and immediately store it in its pouch. If you don't intercept the egg right then, give up. The echidna is one of two mammals that lay eggs, which is totally believable when you consider this is all happening in a world inhabited by dragons and shit. 

 

VI. Dragon eggs are even harder to collect, but the real problems start once you have them. Ain't no one shadier than a dragon egg dealer. 

 

[number Lennifer can count to]. The study of eggs is called oology. The study of the sound my fans make when I enter a room is oooooology.

 

Finally, eggs make great protest props. Egging pompous gits is a time honoured tradition, most recently continued by a young man who egged a racist, fascist politician the day after he blamed a mass shooting of brown people on excessive immigration. It was fucking awesome. The boy was rescued from the far right thug supporters by the police, who subsequently released him without charge.

 

 

 

Anyway. I am the eggman. Coo-coo-cachoo. See you on the pitch next week, Lennifer. Any chance I get, I'm gonna be hitting (on) you.

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14 hours ago, Suido said:

Firstly, -

 

Fact number two - 

 

3 - 

 

Five - 

 

VI - 

 

[number Lennifer can count to] -

 

"Sevuuuun!" Lennifer happily shouts as she hears Lenny's tale of egg-wisdom.

 

"Wonder wat Dogbert's bringin'..." she ponders, eagerly awaiting @Fantus' arrival.

 

 

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