Jump to content
Orca Cola Championship
C2MC

The Bachelogrette: Episode 4

Recommended Posts

32X7Gl0.png?1

 

Once more, everyone is gathered in the garden for this week's Rock-Ceremony. The stage looks more beautiful than ever before, decorated with all the gifts brought by the suitors for this week's challenge. Lennifer stands nervously in the centre, waiting for the Handsome Coach to arrive. It seems she's already wearing the Oldheim Ogres' breastplate that was supposed to be saved for her wedding. None of the crew were brave enough to tell her she couldn't touch it, so there's that. The Handsome Coach limps on stage, he takes off one of his shoes and find some sort of silver coin. "The fuck..." he whispers under his breath right before tossing the coin aside.

 

"Greetings, everyone." The Handsome Coach speaks. "If I knew this week's episode would get so sexual I would've hired more censors, but I do suppose that all of you managed to complete the challenge in time." "There have also been some concerns over bribery, but I assure you that we here at C2MC's Calamitous Content are fair judges no matter how many glorious Elf hearts, gold coins or rights to a player's name you throw at us!"

 

"Speaking of player names!" The Handsome Coach continues "Lennifer, have you thought of a new name for Nes's Blitzer?". Lennifer looks at Nes with a somewhat confused gaze, which is normal for most Ogres. "Erm..." she grunts "Elfie... Elfface... the... Elfman?". "Splendid!" The Handsome Coach interjects, "The new Blitzer shall be named Elfie Elfface the Elfman! We checked, and it's within the limits of the allowed characters in the Blood Bowl rules. And also, for reason completely unrelated to this giant sack of gold and the glorious Elf heart Lennifer ate a few moments after the last show, Nes you gain the show's first ever IMMUNITY, which means you cannot be eliminated this week!"

 

The crowd of contestants grumbles as the High Elf makes his way to a fancy chair on the side, away from the rock-throwing zone. Nes smiles smugly, as High Elves tend to do.

 

The Handsome Coach calms the crowd down a bit, waving his hands and asking for silence, "Lennifer, it is time, grab that rock and tell us who'll be leaving us this week... ".

 

Lennifer moves over to the tiny table and grabs the rock. She looks a little flustered, as if she's not too keen on tossing it at anyone's face this week. "Err'y one was so nice dis week... . Lotsa gifts. Lotsa lovey dovey fellas." she mumbles to herself. It's clear she hasn't made up her mind. Her eyes well up as she realises that someone must get smacked in the head in order for the show to continue.

 

Her eyes now filled with tears, Lennifer lifts up her head and points her chubby finger at Snookie. "Who is you!?" she scream-asks. "You have little fancy-man do all the talking 'n you sit by while I put on best moves! WHO IS YOU!?". Lennifer hurls the rock in Snookie's direction.

 

It barely misses him but cracks Mads I. Entist right in the dome, splattering his gooey brain-matter all over everyone else. Being Blood Bowl players, nobody seems to really care.

 

"Well, ... damn." The Handsome Coach speaks up. "I suppose that means that... Snookie is eliminated?" Lennifer immediately turns towards the Handsome Coach "No! He stay! Now he gotta do talking and moving 'imself instead of little fancy man." "Alright then... ." the Handsome Coach grumbles "I suppose nobody except for that guy's face is eliminated then. I guess we can always remove two contestants next week... ."

 

"Speaking of next week! Here's your challenge; Ogres love tall-tales and legends, especially about their own kin. Ogres get their names or titles after performing a feat of strength or some other extraordinary deed! We have given each of you a card with an Ogre-title on it and it's your job to weave a tale, song or poem of Legend that explains why that name might be bestowed upon a mighty warrior!"

 

Nes: "Longpunch".

Ally: "Belly-Biter".

Dogbert: "Frostfoot".

Hans: "Dustbreath".

Hench Gobbo: "Skullbuckle".

Snookie: "Orbcrusher".

Mr. Turner: "Hill-Splitter".

Lenny: "Ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand soaking up the thirst of the land".

 

@brocCooLi, @wismerhill, @Fantus, @Waleed, @Borke, @Rymdkejsaren, @Sliceanddice, @Suido.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One of those is not like the others

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ally doesnt get the '-' between the 2 hard words

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

29 minutes ago, wismerhill said:

Ally doesnt get the '-' between the 2 hard words

 

Please assist your bachelor if necessary.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

18 minutes ago, C2MC said:

 

Please assist your bachelor if necessary.

but I dont want a rock thrown in my face! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, wismerhill said:

but I dont want a rock thrown in my face! :)

 

That's a chance you'll have to take.

I suggest buying protective gear.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

R. I. P. Mads. Your cousin - Gen. Eric Villain, highest commander of army of Nuln, will mourn you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards

Ive a missive from Ally:

A very well deserved MVP and gratz on the lvlup ny love!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

and Elfie Elfface the Elfman is ready to play against halflings next week.

Nes managed to score 3 td out of 5 in the name of Lennifer, suffering one badly hurt and then one miss next game injurie. but the "injurie" will make Nes having plenty of time to court his love.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Crazy week. Ill try to write it later tonight after my drinking

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Creative juices need to start flowing again, I'm planning to write something tomorrow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The tale of little Big Oggy 'Belly-Biter':

Little Big Oggy was a small runt of an ogre when he was little. What he lacked in size he more than made up with ferocity. Often he won fight by scratching, biting and pinching his bullies in their vulnerable spots.

He practiced his wrestling skills a lot with his pet dire wolves and after he got bitten once he decided it was a good plan to implement some of the wolves tools. He viled his teeth till they were sharp as knives.

the next day he picked a fight with the biggest bully of them all and when the bully was standing over him, he took a big bite out his opponents belly, tearing out its intestenis and killin ghim on the spot. AS this was in kindergarten Oggy got banished from his school and village...

Over the years he fought many adversaries and left a bloody trail, until that time he bit a beast of nurgle in its belly... instead of the beast dying, all that happened was a swarm of nurglites exploded out from the gaping hole Oggy had made. Oggy got corrupted and is now the mate of the Beast he fought....

 

the end..

 

I shouldnt drink and write:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Tale of “Dustbreath”

 

Dustbreath was initially named Doombringer.

He was signed up to play Bloodbowl for the Ogling Ogres, a team of Ogres who enjoyed the delights of Groupies more than BloodBowl.

Doombringer was quickly thought of as weird as he would not partake in the delights of the flesh: instead he wanted to splatter opposing players, and he spent countless days learning how to Pile On.

He was such a dismal failure that after his first few games he was renamed “Dustbreath” as he was face down game after game eating so much dust that his breath continually smelt of dust.

 

He got to 99 games played without causing a single injury to an opponent and his Coach was going to “retire” him as the team’s roast contribution to a continent of Goblin fans.

Dustbreath was given one more chance…
…and in his 100th game he caused a kill.

Through some kind of miraculous epiphany during that game,  he became skilled at killing on the Bloodbowl pitch - causing caused a death in every single game he played in thereafter.

He kept the name Dustbreath to remind him of his darkest days.

Dustbreath retired after his 100th kill.

He had been “advised” to retire by the NAF as other teams were refusing to play against him due to the guaranteed death to at least one player Dustbreath would face…

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards

Nes enters the room and walks up on a small platform that serves as a stage. He looks at Lennifer and smiles.

 

"I give you, 'The ode of Longpunch' ", Nes closes his eyes and starts speaking:


there once was a ogre
    -who was brave and daring
there once was a ogre
    -who hated her food sharing

 

and while this is true
    -of all ogres the same
you tried to share a bite
    -and you ended up lame

 

there once was a ogre
    -so beautiful and strong
there once was a ogre
    -that never did wrong

 

Longpunch the legend
    -your story we recite
to ogre children small
    -during bedtime at night

 

her birthname forgotten
    -and never ever used
Longarm they called her
    -the bullies amused

 

but long arms indeed
    -they have a far reach
and learning to fight
    -so the bullies she could teach

 

and then came the day
    -filled with panic and with pain
when Longarms revenge
    -the name Longpunch she would gain

 

so there once was a ogre
    -that was small and quite weak
so there once was a ogre
    -who growed up to be a freak

 

and coaches of all races
    -said "We want her in our team!"
and Longpunch herself
    -joined the team of her dream

 

her career was not short
    -but long, brutal and bloody
and after each game
    -her jersey was muddy

 

her victims was oh
    -so many so many
and each hit from her fists
    -earned her a penny

 

no one could flee
    -no one could run
when Longpunch each game
    -was having her fun

 

so there once was a ogre
    -with courage was roaring
so there once was a ogre
    -that started to scoring

 

her long arms held high
    -and ready to catch
not even a elf
    -the ball could snatch

 

and Longpunch the ogre
    -scored many and more
and all the while
    -her opponents she tore

 

so listen to this
    -ode to Longpunch
and think of her deeds
    -while eating your brunch

 

and the legend of Longpunch
    -will forever live on
and be toled over and over
    -long after I'm gone

 

so there once was a ogre
    -Longpunch her name
so there once was a ogre
    -a legend in this game

 

her deeds will live on
    -her name spark a fight
and remember to always
    -by Longpunch do right

 

 

Nes gives a small bow and walks off the platform and out of the room.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mr Turner entered the hall and took a big, stained parchment from his pocket. He cleared his throat and strats to read.

 

Once upon the times, before Nuffle gave us rules of Blood Bowl, there was an Ogre village, full of mighty warriors.
However, in this village, lived one ogre, who was the smallest and weakest of them all. His name was Benny. Ogres were aware that Benny is weakest of them, so they protected him, couse ogres cares about their kin.
Ogres led and peaceful live, ransacking nearby villages and eating humans and their stock. However this perfectly normal and peaceful livestyle was disturbing for humans. They hired a mighty warrior and his army, Etherak von Hill.
Warrior started to ambush ogres when they were going alone from the village. Almost half of them was killed in one year span. Humans were not fighting honorfuly, using tricks to caught ogres off-guard. After some time Etherak von Hill was the only human name, which stirked fear in ogres heart.
Ogres refused to go out of village, however they needed supplies of food, which were shrinking tremendously.
Benny maybe was the weakest, hovewer he was also the braves and maybe the most stupid of them. When night has come he sneaked out of the his village to plunder and bring his village some food.
During his journey though a forest he saw lights behind a trees and heard noises - laughters and groans of pain. He came there to saw a humans warriors torturing one of his cousins, who went missing few days ago. Benny didn't notice the flags marking encampment - blue flags with a mountain engraved on them. This was Hill's encampment.
Benny was furious, he run into the center of the encampment and started to bash and smash humans. Even he was the weakest in the village, his fury added him strenght of a thousands ogres.
He noticed a man in the most shiny armor and started to chase him. Without his filthy tactics Etherak wasn't able to fight with ogre, especially this furious. He started to run and Billy was chasing him. They were running for so long that both of them started to hear eerie song in their heads.
The chase continued untill morning. Etherak realized that he was running towards ogres village.When he noticed that he lost concentration and tripped over the rock and fall. 
Village alarmed by the noises went to check what was happening and saw Benny grabbing their bigest foe from a ground by legs and arms and splitting him in half.
This was a realy glorious day for the ogres. With their enemy dead they were able to safe some missing ogres and peacefuly plunder humans villages to get supplies.
Everything becase of one brave ogre. Benny, as the bravest of them all was nominated for the chieftain and got the name glorious name Benny da Hill-Splitter. 

Benny_Hill.jpg

Edited by Sliceanddice

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards

As Hench-Gobbo #3 walks up to the stage, he looks confident. He has been researching Ogre legends for a week now, and he has written a poem about the story he liked best (because the hero is small).

 

Bruno the Ogre was smaller
Than most other Ogres around
His parents and siblings were taller
But he was more close to the ground

 

Bruno suffered through school where they mocked him
Called him "pebble" and other mean names
And through recess the always blocked him
From joining in rock throwing games

 

So he was depressed and would eat lots
Which turned him rather rotund
At least he was good around cook pots
So he was tolerated, not shunned

 

Then one day there were shouts in his village
And Bruno heard screams "Trolls are here"
He ran out, saw them coming to pillage
And he started to shiver with fear

 

For the band was lead by the Troll King
Who was famous and feared all around
He took out other Ogres with one swing
Of his club, and they fell to the ground

 

The King came charging for Bruno
Who was shocked and expected his death
Then he grabbed a pan, wouldn't you know
And to scream out he took a deep breath

 

The breath was so deep and he took it so fast
That his belt started to burst
And the buckle flew off with a massive blast
Which nobody noticed at first

 

But the buckle flew for the Troll King
And it hit him right 'tween the eyes
Thus was born the legend we now sing
Of Skullbuckle and the Troll King's demise

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, C2MC said:

Just reminding you all that your tales of legend are due soon!

 

Back at the keyboard and planning to take every scrap of Saturday available to get this done.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

These have been grand so far, well done to all of you. If we don't get all entries in by tonight, we'll probably post-pone Episode 5 to Sunday again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’ve travelled the old world in my career. I’ve visited every scummy city and foetid field that hosts a half decent game of blood bowl, and everywhere you go, you hear the local folklore about the hometown heroes. I’ve heard plenty, and I’ll tell you the key to a good story: tall tales pair best with strong ales. Here, sip on this scumble, and settle in for this - my raw re-telling of the tallest tale I ever did hear.

 

But first, a little ditty, a tribute to the subject of our tale.

 

Og-dor was a man
I mean, he was an ogre man
Or maybe he was just an ogre
But he was still Og-dor!

 

Og-dor, ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand soaking up the thirst of the land, and this is his story.

 

Sartosa. Decadent Pirate Principality and the home of the Pirate Lord Freeman Melchondio, an equal opportunity employer who cared naught for the species, race, gender or other demographic features of his crew, only that they were quick to haul on a rope, quicker to slash with a cutlass, and and quickest of all at looting a burning ship. Orc or ogre, lizard or lady, Freeman Melchondio paid no heed and called them all men. None argued twice, and his crew of ‘men’ treated each other as their employer treated them. 

 

Og-dor. Unremarkable ogre mercenary, slumming it in Sartosa while waiting on a new contract. Press-ganged and/or persuaded into service on Melchondio’s ship, The Mollusk, Og-dor took to piracy like an anvil to swimming. Luckily his lung capacity gave him a chance to divest himself of some weight, including his well-worn, iron-bound boots. The natural fat content of an ogre soon had Og-dor bobbing like a cork and he didn’t drown during his first tour of duty. The sight of his chalk-white, pallid feet, finally freed from the tyranny of treads, juxtaposed with the ogre's brown, scarred legs earned Og-dor his first nickname, the Tan Man. 

 

Og-dor the Tan Man had found his calling. No helmsman ever held the wheel so firm. No swashbuckler ever caused so much carnage leaping between ships. And no sailors ever expected the underwater attack of the ocean man, their first warning the sound of the rudder being ripped right off. 

 

Using an anchor chain as a ballast belt, Og-dor would take a deep breath, slip overboard and stride along the ocean floor until under the target, slip free of his belt and ascend, before holding himself against the hull and doing massive damage to the manoeuvring mechanism. Og-dor the Ocean Man made sitting ducks of many a ship, and the fortune and infamy of Melchondio increased immensely.

 

Off the coast of Araby, Melchondio had a new venture in mind. Cargo can be sunk or salvaged, and the salvage option can sometimes be worth the effort. Some recent booty had an interested buyer from the desert lands of Araby so Melchondio arranged the trade on an isolated beach, while the crew stood guard. Og-dor, bored by the process, was chewing on a loaf of bread. Tearing off the crust, he threw it out onto the dunes, watching it land... then disappear. A shimmer. A broken illusion. The appearance of hidden warriors, creeping into ambush position. Og-dor grinned. Boredom over, time for some real fun. 

 

Outnumbered, the pirates retreated to the waves, towards The Mollusk. The fighting was intense, but the sand was the real danger, sucking down any who faltered, stumbled or fell. Sand sorcerers were making the land thirst for bodies and blood. Og-dor stood in the shallows, confident in his element, holding off the attackers while his crewmates retreated to the ship. The sand swirled, the water eddied, locked in their eternal conflict. Sand shifted beneath Og-dor’s foot, and he retreated a step, but a scimitar slash took him in the thigh. Og-dor leaned heavily on the other leg, the sand parted, his foot descended into darkness, pulling him down, soaking him up. Life’s a beach. 

 

I heard this story in The Hole In By The Hill in Sartosa itself, and I’ll tell you straight - when a man with a hooked hand and a gap-toothed grin asks if you believe his tale, you give him a confident and clear, ‘Aye’, and buy him the drink of his choosing. No matter what you think of the real truth of the tale of Og-dor, ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand soaking up the thirst of the land. 
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

58 minutes ago, Suido said:

Og-dor, ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand soaking up the thirst of the land, and this is his story.

 

I knew you could make this in to some glorious tale, you down-under Wordsmith, you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This time, Snookie is rolled in by a trio of snickering goblins. They dump him off and he wobbles a bit but stands firm with a resounding "boiiing".

 

"Muuuuurrrgh," he says and takes out a piece of parchment and points at it. "Muuuuurrrgh," he repeats empathically and points to the Handsome Coach, who steps over and takes the parchment. He scans it and points quizzically to himself.

Snookie nods. "Muurgh."

 

The Handsome Coach clears his throats and begins to read.

 

"This is the story of Krimple, who brushed orcs," he reads, then looks up. "Snookie, your cue was orb crusher, not orc brusher."

 

"Duuuurrrrrr," says Snookie and facepalms. The goblin trio takes it as a cue and return to roll out Snookie, still with his face buried in his hand.

 

Meanwhile, The Handsome Coach seems engrossed in the story. "It's actually quite good," he says. "But unfortunately, it's disqualified. That's all for now!"

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

32 minutes ago, Rymdkejsaren said:

Meanwhile, The Handsome Coach seems engrossed in the story. "It's actually quite good," he says. "But unfortunately, it's disqualified. That's all for now!"

 

Did you just weasel yourself out of the competition?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope not.

 

I was on vacation this week so I had to pull something out of my arse. Snookie's entry may have been disqualified, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't affect Lennifer's throwing arm. lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


  • Support the OCC

    Donate Sidebar by DevFuse
×
×
  • Create New...