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  1. Now that there's fewer contestants, everyone has had a lot more time to spend with Lennifer, our Bachelogrette, getting to know her inside and out. We cannot legally air the inside parts, so here's a little of the outside. Nes seemed uncharacteristically nervous after hearing about this week's challenge. His agitated state was a far cry from his usual cocky demeanour. He told Lennifer about his youth and how he never had to develop any real skill since he could just throw money at any and all of his problems. He seemed almost scared, like he finally got caught and was forced to reveal who he truly was. Lennifer and Nes sat down together and after the Elf got done pouring out his heart, the Ogress held him in her arms for what seemed like an eternity. She told him that he was special and that he had talents. After all, he was the most experienced player on his entire team! It was a lovely TV moment, where the High Elf's outer crust was finally broken to reveal a more sympathetic character we all can relate to, even for a moment... . Nes wasn't lying about his lasagne though, it was pretty killer. Lenny also showed us a side of himself we hadn't seen before, but in a much stranger way than Nes did. It turns out this Elven Catcher knows a whole lot about eggs. He had egg stories coming out of his cloaca and entertained Lennifer for hours and hours with fun, little did-you-know's and egg-facts and it was surprisingly entertaining. Did you know that Echidnas laid eggs? I sure didn't! It was fun to see Lenny and Lennifer interact and bond over such a silly subject, it really made them look like an adorable couple. Dogbert was nowhere to be found... . The entire week went by and the Minotaur did not show his furry face the entire time. Did he get cold feet? Did he change his mind? Or has a more sinister fate befallen the horned Bachelor? Perhaps we will never know... . ----- The garden looks beautiful as always, but something feels a little different this time around. Lenny and Nes are sitting in front of the podium where Lennifer and the Handsome Coach are standing. There is no trace of the Ceremonial Table or the Elimination Rock. The Handsome Coach steps forth and speaks... . "Gentle-Elves, as you may notice, there's only two of you remaining. We have tried to find out where Dogbert is hiding but alas we have come up empty-handed. This means that Dogbert is automatically eliminated and the two of you are our finalists! Congratulations!" Several servant-Gnoblars clap enthusiastically, but Lennifer phones it in for the camera. She's obviously upset. How could the big, huggable Mino just disappear like that? As the noise dies down, the Handsome Coach speaks up once more; "Normally, we'd have @Fantus come in and share a few words, but since we have no clue where he is, we're going to skip that part. @brocCooLi and @Suido, there's no real challenge for you this week... . As it turns out, the Women with Attitude are playing P'Elvic Thrust for Match Day 9 and we're all heading out for the game. Nes, we have special back-stage passes for you, so you can join the WwA dug-out and support your lovable Bachelogrette from the comfort of a bench that's drenched in Ogre sweat! And I'm sure we'll hear from Lenny after the game is over,... if he survives, that is... ."
  2. Season 10, Match Day 8: ...When Hell freezes over. Game result page HERE! DISCIPLES OF DEATH VS WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE You'd think that someone named @King Kill would be the worst coach you could possibly face, especially when he's playing Chaos. But it turns out that this man is just a big, cuddly fluffball underneath all that armour. The Women with Attitude were a little scared going in to this one for a few reasons... . The Disciples of Death bring a few giant-slayers to the table: Brute d'Bad, a Claw, Piling On, Jump Up Minotaur. Mean d'Machine, a Block, mighty Blow, Claw and Piling On Chaos Warrior. And they don't lack any ball-handling abilities either: King Kross, Dodge, +AG, Block, Two Heads, Stand Firm Chaos Warrior. Morker, +AG Chaos Warrior. Bullseye, +AG, Beastman. To top it off, the Inducements provided are a Wandering Apothecary, a Bribe and some Bloodweiser Babes. It looks like King Kill isn't too confident in his Warriors' ability to stay in one piece. The game starts off a little wonky as the girls choose to receive, since there's no Wizard, but the referee thinks we're better off kicking for some reason. Guess we'll deal with that, sure. The Disciples get to go first and here's where the lack of Guard comes in. Craznogors (Tackle, Mighty Blow, Jump Up Beastman) takes a stab at one of the Gnoblars and doesn't manage to take him down, so we Side Step one square to the left, preventing any assists on the Line of Scrimmage. To salt the wound a little more, Brute d'Bad fails his Wild Animal check and a reroll. Nuffle makes up for it a little with some good red dice, causing Dame Juicy Drenched and Paris Killton to take a dive but at the end of the turn, nobody got injured. The gals get a few hits in too, but most of our turn is spent trying to stand in the way of several Beastmen, making their way down town, walking fast, faces pass on the right flank. King Kill switches it up immediately and moves back towards the middle, attempting to juke around the Ogres but the Bone-Heads aren't showing so we're able to keep up. Thinking he's safe and sound, King Kross GFIs his way down the left flank, forgetting that Bichelle Omaha has all the tools to take him out. Bichelle Break Tackles right up against the Chaos Warrior and Juggernauts him off the pitch, causing the ball to be thrown in right in the middle of our side of the field. Most of our Ogres are tied up but we do manage to get 3 Gnoblars around the pigskin before the end of our turn. It's not enough, unfortunately, a Blitz and a hand-off later the Disciples get the ball to Craznogors and he runs it in for the first touchdown. Turn 4 ends, 1-0 for the Disciples. With 5 turns remaining, we field White Dragon and get ready to toss that sucker in for the equaliser by the end of the half. Amy Shawarma and Dame Juicy injure 2 Beastmen on the Line of Scrimmage, immediately cutting a big chunk out of the opposing team and forcing one of the Apothecaries to come out and save one goatman. Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley makes it a clean sweep, pounding the last victim in to the ground right before White Dragon secures the ball. Brute d'Bad Blitzes in to Bichelle and Piles On, not even breaking armour, forcing multiple Beastmen to surround to fallen Mino to prevent a foul. The gals shuffle to the left, hoping to get ahead thanks to the commitment on Bichelle. It turns out we underestimate Brute's commitment to Blitzing every turn, though, as he gets right up and rams in to Paris, Piling On to turn a K.O. in to a Stun. Terrified of King Kross' ability to dive in to any cage, we huddle up all the way on the left flank, moving forward ever so slowly. King Kill doesn't go for it and instead moves back on to his side of the field, forming a tiny screen of Chaos, with King Kross holding up the back field. By the time turn 8 rolls around, the Disciples are in full retreat, covering the left side of the pitch but leaving the right wide open and after a couple of failed attempts at putting the hurt on a few of the Disciples, Lennifer Jaw-Rends puts her Strong Arm to use and gets White Dragon far enough down field to score right before half-time. 1-1 at half time! The second half starts off pretty good seeing as we're now outnumbering the Disciples and it's once again our turn to receive. A Touchback also gets the ball right in to Lennifer's hands, removing any risk of a failed pick-up. We don't break as many bones as we did the last time, however and even our Blitz gets lost to a Bone-Head, but we got the ball and we're ready for our offence! King Kill doesn't waste any time and by the end of his turn, almost all of his players are based against ours. The girls fight hard and manage to pull back a little, keeping Lennifer safe. There's no getting away from King Kross, unfortunately, and the Warrior Blitzes in to Lennifer for the uphill block, but gets unlucky and goes down (+ in to +). History repeats itself as the ladies find another safe spot for the ball, followed by the uphill Blitz. This time, King Kross manages the takedown and stuns Lennifer in the process. A couple of GFIs later, he's got the ball in his dodgy hands. Have no fear, Ellen's here! Our Star Player Tackles the opposing Super Star to the ground and Hot Karl III catches the pigskin on the bounce, allowing us to build a sideline cage once more. King Kross doesn't go for a third attempt, instead, Brute d'Bad wastes the Blitz and a reroll while the rest of the team piles in once more. However, with multiple players committed to the mid-field, our sideline-cage has the chance to move up quite a bit as a few Gnobbies and Ogres stay back and hold up several players. Dame Juicy even manages to kill Urak (rookie Chaos Warrior) right after Ellen K.O.'s Craznogors, removing 2 more players from the field. The Disciples catch up quickly, downing Lennifer while they're at it so we feel forced to try and run for it. Since we've got several Ogres pretty far forward, the only real threat is King Kross. King Kill is still keen on getting Brute some SPP and he finally manages to cause a casualty on an Ogre. Amy goes down hard, but the Apothecary manages to save her from a Niggling Injury. Then comes the inevitable Blitz by the Two Heads-Warrior, who makes it without even breaking a sweat. Hot Karl III bites the dust 5 squares away from the opponent's end zone. We're not without any back-up, thankfully and White Dragon swoops in to grab the ball after Dame Juicy Juggernauts King Kross away from the oval. It all comes down to this. We manage to get Ellen next to the dodgy-man while we surround him with every player we have left, hindering his final Blitz for the ball-carrier as much as we can. Nuffle smiles upon us as the first dodge fails and Ellen prevents the reroll, causing an instant Turnover. White Dragon runs it in for the 1-2, securing our victory! ----- Not having any Guard on the team and the focus on the Minotaur is definitely what gave the ladies an edge in this one. Especially since Brute wasn't very good at actually causing Casualties. Still, King Kill was a lovely fellow and he was a lot of fun to play against and to talk to. So in honour of him, here's a compilation of every time Brute d'Bad used Piling On during our game!
  3. After arriving at the luscious Brionne Beaches, the crew and contestants could not wait to get out of the steaming hot Bachelor-Bus and in to the cool water. The sun was so bright and warm, it was unmistakably the work of a Wizard's Magic Dome. As the bus' doors opened, Lennifer and the Bachelors flooded out like water from a bursting dam. To avoid prying eyes, Nes had pretty much bought up the entire area, providing everyone with a kingly hotel room and enough food and chomp-ain to last a lifetime. Even though Lennifer had gotten completely wasted on the strange, bubbly beverage she'd never had before within the first 2 hours of the day, every day... good times were had by all. Well... almost. Nobody could look past Dogbert's bald, veiny body throughout the week. The Minotaur sacrificed a great deal of hair and nerve-endings to try and appeal to Lennifer. And we're not even going to mention the speedo, it was loud enough on its own. Whatever disappointment Lennifer first felt after she saw that the mean Mino had lost his fluffyness was quickly brushed aside when he explained what he went through in the hopes of impressing the Ogress. Dogbert's strange mix of shyness, inexperience and blood-fueled rage made him an interesting fellow and he was the only remaining contestant that had the strength to carry Lennifer in to the water, like he was carrying his bride over the threshold. Nes proved himself at home under the searing sun, throwing money and swagger around like nobody's business. He was surprisingly well-built for an Elf and his natural cocky attitude made him look more appealing with every passing moment. Even the other contestants seemed to gravitate towards him for tips and advice on how to properly tackle the competition. Even though the Production appreciates Nes' enormous wealth, it did seem like he wanted to be loved by everyone so much, that he kind of forgot about the actual competition. At first, Lennifer thought that Lenny had brought a seaside-snack but it later turned out to be his pet. After a couple of minutes of flexing in his wet t-shirt he was able to convince the Bachelogrette not to eat the pup and instead feast upon his unusually tanned Elven pectoral muscles instead. Bringing a boat was a nice idea, but it sank immediately once Lennifer tried to board. Ah, well, they both had a good laugh as they tussled around in the water before whipping out the fishing poles. They sat side by side, talking about life, love and Og-dor, ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand soaking up the thirst of the land until the sun went down. They never caught any fish. It was very hard to track down Hans, as he spent most of his time sneaking around the perimeter of the Magic Dome, shooting random passers-by in the kneecaps. The Beastmen did not seem to care much for the whole "swimsuit idea". He promised to make time for a romantic swim at some point but we weren't able to catch him on camera at all. The guy's REALLY good at doing stealthy things. After several hours of watching a Skaven in full plated armour flailing a whip at imaginary bad guys whilst shouting about the evil sand-people, the other contestants and crew had realised that Mr.Turner had gone completely insane. Sure, it was funny for the first few hours, but everyone just kind of grew worried about his mental health after that. Too much time spent too close to Warpstone is what we're guessing. ----- The week of fun in the sun came to an end far too quickly for most of our contestants, now gathered around a large table in the middle of a private beach. Lanterns hung high above their heads, shining a dim glow in to the dark blue sky. At the end of the table sits Lennifer, the Handsome Coach on her left and the tiny table with the ceremonial rock on her right. "It's that time again, gentle-people, welcome to the 7th Episode of the Bachelogrette." the Handsome Coach speaks as he slowly stands up. "All of you had a whole week to spend on the beach, performing beach-related activities in beach-related clothing. It seems Lennifer had a pretty good time, didn't you, Lennifer?" the Handsome Coach asks everyone's favourite Ogre as she nods enthusiastically. "But..." the Handsome Coach continues "... as is tradition, one of you must leave the show tonight. Lennifer, if you'd please do the honours." The Handsome Coach motions towards the ceremonial rock. Lennifer stands up, her beach-body blubbering around with every move she makes, like a wet sack of astrogranite. She grabs the rock in her chunky hand and flips it around a few times, staring at the remaining contestants, thinking about her choice. After several seconds of deliberation, she locks on to Mr.Turner and fastballs the rock towards his plate-covered skull. It hits the rat-man... hard. So hard in fact that the rock shatters in to two pieces upon impact. One of the pieces falls to the ground, but the second one turns out to be an unfortunate ricochet and smacks Hans in the side of the head. "Erm..." the Handsome Coach groans as everything goes silent. "... that's a... double elimination... ?" he says-asks as he turns his head to Lennifer. "... Sure?" the big gal nods as she kind-of-sort-of confirms. "It's been a fun ride for all of us, Hans and Mr.Turner, but it seems like the lack of swimsuits on your end has been your downfall." the Handsome Coach resumes the show. " @Sliceanddice and @Waleed, both of you may speak some words before returning home. You should be proud you made it this far! ..." "Now that the peasantry is gone there's only 3 contestants left to choose from! @brocCooLi, @Fantus and @Suido, all of you would make a great man for our Bachelogrette, we're sure of that. But is there anything else you're great at? Perhaps you've got some hidden talent you've never shown anyone before? Well, you better hope so! Because it's time to show off what you got this week! You're to reveal a hidden talent of yours in an attempt to 'wow' the Bachelogrette." "What's your hidden talent, Lennifer?" the Handsome Coach asks the cuddliest Ogre around. "I count to seven" she replies as she holds up both her hands and six fingers total. "Amazing!" the Handsome Coach quickly interjects as the camera cuts back to him right before the screen fades in to the sunset over the ocean... .
  4. Season 10, Match Day 7: One, two, three, four, let us go Bone-Head some more! Game result page HERE! WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE VS RAGSVED RUDEBOYS Ah, High Elves, the second Elf team that proves nearly unstoppable by Ogres. Not since we faced the DELFonics in Season 8 have we suffered a loss as terrible as this one. @razta's team of very Swedishly named fancy-men show up in the Women with Attitude's Fancy Rental and at first glance, there's nothing too dangerous about them, besides a couple of players: Barrington Levy: Dodge, +ST Blitzer. Syster Sol: Block, Dodge, Side Step Catcher. Dawn Penn: Dodge, Mighty Blow, +AG, Block Catcher. The Inducements are what we expected, a Wizard, 2 Bloodweiser Babes and Prince Moranion, who provides the only Tackle on the entire team. The gals hope to force the Wizard out ASAP and decide to Kick. It's a play we've been trying out and it's been a while since one of our opponents actually hired a Wizard. A very shallow kick gets the ball right on the Line of Scrimmage but at the end of the Rudeboys' turn, it's tucked away behind an Elf screen. The ladies' first turn isn't that special, we pull back a little to form a screen of our own, waiting for the Elves to make their move. After a bit of poking and prodding, Cleveland Steamer dies a brutal death and multiple Catchers swarm our backfield as the Elves descend on the left flank. Bichelle Omaha makes Congo Natty (rookie Blitzer) leave his earthly body behind, but at this point there's already very little we can do to stop the Rudeboys from scoring thanks to some unfortunate Bone-Heads. Turn 4 comes around, 0-1 for the Rudeboys. It's the Elves turn to kick-off and a High Kick allows our newest AG4 Gnobbie, Donkey Punch III, to grab the ball as it falls from the sky. With only 5 turns to go, we're hoping to protect him until there's a chance to toss his tiny behind forward. Our punches are ineffective, Tug of Love gets the boot in on General Levy (rookie Lineman) and removes him from play. The Rudeboys form another screen in between the Ogres on the Line of Scrimmage and Lennifer Jaw-Rends and her Gnoblar cohorts in the back, but we recover somewhat and get something that looks like a cage going with Donkey Punch III hidden away. That is, until fire rains from the sky, knocking down our ball-carrier and several of the ladies. The Elves have little trouble collecting the ball and by the time their turn is over only Amy Shawarma is left standing. Lennifer gets K.O.'d by Prince Moranion and (spoiler alert) she won't be waking up for the rest of the game. The girls try their best and get a few K.O.'s, but with 2 Bloodweiser Babes on the other side it's essentially pointless. The Rudeboys score again on turn 8, 0-2 for the High Elves. With their Kicker back on the field, a TTM play is impossible and multiple Bone-Heads later, our last turn before half-time ends with Paris Killton being taken down by a Lineman with Block. The second half has us fielding both +AG Gnoblars as we're down 4 players. Lennifer staying K.O.'d is a huge deal, as she would normally take over ball-carrying duties in this scenario. White Dragon recovers the pigskin and he has quite a bit of support nearby in the form of Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley and Paris. The Rudeboys don't go super-offensive right away, allowing Ellen to knock down Syster Sol so Full Nelson III can come in and boot his ass, netting us another permanent removal while White Dragon remains relatively safe. Our cage moves forward slowly as the gals knock out multiple fancymen, but we're quickly running out of time and Gnoblars... . With no way to fight ourselves out of the cage we made on the left flank, we attempt the TTM, and Ellen double Bone-Heads. We try and move White Dragon to safety, but there's no such thing as a safe space against Elves. Dawn Penn rolls by, dodges 4 or 5 times, takes down White Dragon and grabs the ball. Ellen and Amy surround the cocky Elf only to have him show off his dodging abilities once more. Turn 13 ends, 0-3 for the Rudeboys. With the 3 Elven K.O.'s all waking up again, the ladies have completely given up on the game at this point. All we can do is punch some Elves and hope to get some SPP by the time this travesty ends. Maybe get a lucky Touchdown while we're at it. The Kick is shallow, great for a TTM play, but a Perfect Defence ruins that idea real fast. With only 1 reroll remaining, our plan is to have one of the Gnobbies collect the pigskin so we can hand it off to Ellen, for safe keeping. Ellen has other plans, however and Bone-heads once more, forcing our hand. It's not long before Barrington Levy Blitzes Donkey Punch III down and the ball goes flying, right in to the hands of a random Lineman who actually catches it while standing next to 2 Ogres. The Rudeboys get the oval to safety, essentially securing a 4th Touchdown. Paris gets another good hit in for a little moral victory, but at the end of the day the game ends 0-4 for the Rudeboys. ----- A pretty devastating defeat. Not only because it was a 0-4, but also because we lost our Kick-Gnoblar and half of the injuries we caused were not worth any SPP, resulting in a very lackluster gain by the time the game was over. I felt like we tried our best, but Nuffle was definitely not on our side for this one. Several turns had 2 or 3 ladies going full Bone-Head and the double BH when it came time to throw our Gnoblar for an attempt at a Touchdown certainly did not help. I thought about it afterwards and figured that maybe we should have dedicated Ellen to be our ball-carrier after Lennifer got knocked out, but then we'd lose out on our only Tackle-piece. Ah well, you win some, you lose some. Good game to razta!
  5. After a long and arduous journey back to the fancy mansion, the contestants are welcomed back to the luxurious palace and the luscious garden surrounding it. The relaxing scenery and soothing music is appreciated even more so after spending a whole week trying to keep a tiny, baby Ogre entertained. The double elimination last week has brought us down to only 6 remaining bachelors, all gathered around the podium once more... awaiting the arrival of Lennifer and the Handsome Coach. Sloppy footsteps and childish banter can be heard in the distance and as the sound draws closer and closer, Lennifer walks on to the stage, holding hands with the tiny, baby Ogre. "Go on now, you tells 'em" Lennifer mutters as she gives the tiny, baby Ogre a little nudge forward. The little grunt takes another step and finds himself facing all of the contestants he got to know over the course of the week. He waves his little hand around a bit and grabs a slab of leather from the back of his trunks. As he unfolds it, the contestants can see that tiny, baby Ogre has prepared some sort of speech. Tiny, baby Ogre clears his tiny, baby throat with an adorable gurgle and speaks; "I thank you all, for all your time, the places that you brought me to. And so I wrote a little rhyme, a tiny, baby ode to all of you." Tiny, baby Ogre suddenly stops, looking quite distracted. "Who's that?" he asks as he points his chubby finger at Hench-Gobbo #3. "Dat Gobbo, he bachelor." Lennifer eloquently replies. "But he didn't take me nowhere. I've never seen the likes of him, not here nor there." "WAT?" Lennifer shouts "But that was deal, he take you out, you 'ave fun and tell me who make nice the best!". Tiny, baby Ogre replies "I wish I could tell you what he's all about, but I cannot do that, he did not take me out. I've never seen that Goblin before. A stranger he is, of that I am sure." Lennifer's giant hand reaches for the table that's carrying the ceremonial rock,... but she hesitates. She pulls her throwing arm back and quickly steps forward, right up to Hench-Gobbo #3. As she bends down and stares the small creature right in his eyes, she softly says; "You make nice for weeks, and now you not bother? You not earn rock to head... you make me feel... dispropointman." Hench-Gobbo #3 turns around and starts walking away, ashamed that he forced an Ogre to try and use a big word to describe her feelings. Lennifer turns around and walks back on stage. "Now that over with. TIME FOR GUD PART! This week is swim suit competishun!" Lennifer screams in an ecstatic tone as the thought of seeing all of her bachelors semi-nude fills her head and completely erases any memory of the disappointment she felt several seconds before. "We go to Bretons beach, play some volley-Gnob and 'ave fun in the sun! Haha!". Lennifer claps her hands, like a small child excited to go on a trip and then abruptly realises that there's still an actual child standing on the podium next to her. "Come little one, time for bed" she says as she grabs tiny, baby Ogre by the arm and escorts him off the stage. Before they reach the big house, Lennifer softly asks tiny, baby Ogre who his favourite babysitter was. "Nes was fun, for an Elf anyway. He put me on the pitch and he let me play. Hans was very stoic, a proud Beastman, he showed me to Pile On as hard as I can! Dogbert's a bit older and grizzly indeed, but he made me a saddle and then turned Boof in to a steed. Lenny's like me, he much likes to rhyme. He will find his mojo, all in good time. Mr.Turner may be squishy and no alpha-male, but he's very clever and got me a Prehensile Tail. But who was the best, is for you to decide. After all, it is you who will be the winner's bride... ." Having understood only half of those fancy words, Lennifer giggles at the tiny, baby Ogre's odd way of speaking. "Fancy fella..." she mutters under her breath. As the door closes behind them and the screen fades to black... . Contestants! It is time for the mandatory swimsuit edition of The Bachelogrette. Grab your shiniest trunks and sunscreen and get ready to find sand in every crack, because we're taking you to to the Brionne Beaches... because the hotels are cheaper there! @brocCooLi, @Fantus, @Waleed, @Sliceanddice, @Suido, better start packing! @Borke, even though Hench-Gobbo #3 was forced to walk away with great shame, you are still allowed a few parting words. Not too many though.
  6. Season 10, Match Day 6: Shirts and Skins. Game result page HERE! WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE VS STORMHEIM KINGS Tuesday evening comes around and I'm feeling like absolute garbage. I know there's a match in a few hours but I really need to lie down for a bit. We're playing at home, so I figure the locker room is as good a place as any and I decide to have a quick nap after I ask the girls to wake me up before the game starts. Time goes by and I find myself waking up to the sound of roaring fans, surrounded by 6 sleeping Ogres. Nuffle damn it all, we were supposed to start this game over an hour ago! Thankfully, @Grufff is nice enough to play the game over taking a default win and the sleeping beauties and I make our way to the pitch. The Stormheim Kings are a pretty well developed Norse team, sporting several great players. Hrungnir, Mighty Blow, Block, Guard and -MA Yhetee. Jan Egil Agnivaldr, Guard, Dodge, Side Step, +MA Runner. And both Ulfwereners come with Block, Guard and Mighty Blow. Continuing the theme of the Season, Grufff also decides against hiring a Wizard, instead opting for Boomer, a Bribe and some Bloodweiser Babes. Maybe he just likes alliteration? Since there's no Wizard, the Women with Attitude decide to receive first, hoping to break some of that AV7 early on. The Kings kick things off and a High Kick allows Lennifer Jaw-Rends to immediately take control of the pigskin. Amy Shawarma pulls a Lineman's beard off, removing him from the game but the rest of our turn is rather timid, with our Blitz being eaten by a Bone-Head. Lennifer stays back, hoping to dodge Boomer for as long as she can since there's no way we can reach him. Most of the Kings stay back while Øivind the Crazed (Mighty Blow Berserker) attempts to poke at a Gnoblar, supported by one Lineman and an Ulfwerener. Boomer makes his first throw and manages to K.O. one of the Gnobbies. Since there's only a few guys hanging around our ladies, we figure we take care of them first. Bichelle Omaha Blitzes in and K.O.'s a Lineman after Piling On to his tiny body. Dame Juicy Drenched only manages a Stun on Øivind, even after tossing all of her weight on to him. Multiple Ogres on the ground, but Lennifer is still safely tucked in the back. And then I learn that bombs actually hit downed players. Thankfully, nobody got injured, but this came as a surprise nonetheless, I never really play against Bombardiers that often. Grufff Blitzes in another Lineman to brutally murder Kitchen Sink VI and the rest of the Kings slowly make their way to the left side of the pitch now that Boomer has done his thing and there won't be any stray bombs hitting the Norse. The girls fortify their position as Dame Juicy takes down the Ulfwerener on our side of the pitch, setting up for a foul on him or the Berserker we took down before. Lennifer runs even further to the left flank, terrified of that damn Bombardier. But then, something magical happens... . As Boomer manages another inaccurate pass in to the troupe of Ogres, Quick Old Fashioned III not only catches the damn bomb, he flings it right back at some shirtless dudes and stuns both of them, causing a quick turnover. With only 5 Norsemen left standing on their feet, Lennifer feels confident in moving forward. Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley and Paris Killton provide some protection on the front while Dame Juicy and Bichelle stay back to take care of that Berserker and Ulfwerener should they ever get back on their feet. Hrungnir, the Yhetee has been hanging out in the Kings' back field, acting like a Wild Animal but now we're bringing the fight to him. Paris recovers from a bomb to the face and brings in the Guard so Ellen can do what she does best. Grufff quickly calls in the Apothecary to make sure his Big Guy has a chance to return for the next down. The gals also manage to put a little pressure on Boomer as Amy moves in, marking that damned Bombardier after 4 turns of free throws. Even with Amy breathing down his neck, Boomer still manages to set Ellen's feet on fire so Amy knocks him down for good measure. Lennifer keeps wobbling forward, ever so close to the opposing end zone and we offer a Gnoblar Sacrifice to the only defender close enough to reach her, a lone Ulfwerener. That's when Grufff reveals his secret weapon; some amazing uphill Blocks. Inge Haraldsson (Mighty Blow, Piling On Berserker) Jumps Up and Blocks Paris. + shoves her back and another + creates a pretty big hole for some Norse to run through. One of the Linemen tries his luck against Dame Juicy, + , taking her down. Anleifr Pétmárr (Block, Mighty Blow, Guard Ulfwerener) doesn't care about our Gnoblar Sacrifice and dodges away. Now that one of the Linemen has made it through the big gap created by the uphill Blocks, the Ulf has a shot at Lennifer and he easily takes her down, marking the ball together with his supporting Lineman. To salt the wound some more, Hular Úlfhedinn (Block, Mighty Blow, Guard Ulfwerener), the Ulf that's stuck in the back uphill Blocks Bichelle and K.O.'s her. What a friggin' turn for the Kings... . Lennifer gets back on her feet and attempts to remove one of the players next to the ball, but she doesn't break the AV7. Even worse, Amy Bone-Heads, freeing up Boomer once more. With the clock ticking, more and more Norse are making their way to the back, slowly crushing the ladies' chances at scoring this half. Unable to take down all of the Kings surrounding the ball, Donkey Punch III is our only shot at a touchdown and he heroically makes the pick-up, dodge and scores on Turn 8. 1-0 for the Women with Attitude. As the Kings prepare for a turn of punching and fouling before half-time kicks in, the Ref calls out Boomer and Grufff decides not to use his Bribe, which I found a bit strange seeing as the Dwarf put in a ton of work. The Kings set up for a OTT with Jan Egil Agnivaldr but the Yhetee isn't feeling it and just stands there, roaring a little. A few Blocks and a foul later, everyone comes out unscathed and the half ends. One Norseman injured, one K.O. And Boomer sent off leaves the Kings with just enough players to field a full squad. On the gals' side, Bichelle awakens from her slumber so we're back to 6 Ogres. Yay! The ladies kick the ball and suddenly the pitch is overwhelmed with radical #MeToo-Supporters, angered at the violence these Norse have been putting out on the poor and defenceless Women with Attitude. Grufff manages to recover admirably, pulling all of his players to the back as one of the Berserkers recovers the ball. However, Hrungnir is left stunned and alone in the centre of the pitch. We do what any sane person would do in this situation, we move every player we have forward and gang-foul the snot out of that Yhetee! This time, there's no Apothecary to save him. The Kings play a very defensive game, poking us here and there, waiting for the right opportunity. The gals stick around the centre of the pitch, trying to keep a nice spread of Ogres and Gnoblars so we can respond wherever the Kings decide to move. After committing an Ulf and failing to take down Paris on the left side of the pitch, the Kings swoop in. The Berserker tries to hand-off the ball to Borr Vigdis (Dodge, Sure Hands, Side Step Runner) but fails to do so. No matter, the Norse are tucked away behind a wall of Linemen. We do our best and move ahead, forming something that closely resembles a wall, but there's a tiny gap on the left side of the pitch and it's immediately taken advantage of by the Kings. After Blitzing aside the lone Gnoblar defender, another hand-off gets the ball in to the hands of Jan Egil Agnivaldr. Jan dodges past Amy and makes a couple of GFI's, finding himself all alone in the girls' back field. With a little bit of luck on our side and Ellen's amazing bulk, we take down the potato-man and get the K.O., ruining any chance of recovery by the Kings any time soon since the rest of the team is stuck around the Line of Scrimmage. We send Tug of Love towards the Kings' end zone, forcing one of the Linemen to stay back as Grufff's 7 remaining players attempt to keep their offence going. A Bribe still in hand, the Norse gang-foul Dame Juicy and knock her out, setting up for another round of punishment on Paris the following turn. Thankfully, Paris skill-fully dodges out of the group of shirtless men only to fail to 2+ Break Tackle away afterwards. It's a good thing Lennifer recovered the ball in our back field before this happened. Our plan is simple, keep Lennifer safe and sound and try to Strong Arm the ball down the pitch if we can. A couple of turns and one dead Norseman later, we're forced to pull way back. Several Bone-Heads keep Paris and Bichelle out of the game and Ellen is the only one remaining to keep Lennifer protected. Borr Vigdis comes in, dodging through Gnoblars like a madman and uphill Blitzes Lennifer to the ground, stunning her. Luckilly for us, he does not have the MA left to perform some insane recovery-play followed by a touchdown. With Lennifer stunned, it's up to Ellen to try and Long Bomb the ball towards Tug of Love, who's still hanging out in the opposing end zone. Unfortunately, after grabbing the pigskin and dodging to safety, Ellen is simply too far away to make anything happen. At least she got a nice little vanity pass to Amy in before the final whistle and the game ends 1-0 for the Women with Attitude! ----- I cannot stress enough that I'm very thankful to Grufff for playing the game instead of taking the Default Win. Not only because we ended up grabbing the W in the end, but because we hardly ever get to play Norse to begin with. It was a fun game with a couple of insane turns on both sides. Every time things seemed locked in and certain, some stroke of fate would screw up any plan and immediately initiate an all-out brawl. Good game to Grufff!
  7. The picture fades in from black... we're not in the fancy garden anymore. Our contestants are gathered around a roaring fire, deep within a pit. The perfect place to share true tales of legend. The scenery resembles an old-fashioned Ogre feast. Stone slabs are set all around the edges, forming makeshift tables and chairs, places for our guests to sit and talk. Then, there's steep decline, leading to the pit itself. It's enormous, at least 20 yards in diameter. Right in the centre, a large fire roars. A rusty cage surrounds the mound of flame in a desperate attempt to contain it. A Handsome coach steps from behind the pillar of red and orange,... but Lennifer is nowhere to be seen. "Greetings, gentlefolk." the Handsome coach begins his speech. "Lennifer and I have heard your tales and poems and we must say that you've all done an extraordinary job this week. I can honestly say that we chose a very poor week to eliminate two contestants since none of you deserve a rock to the head after the fine work you've put in." "Dogbert, your tale of F'Urdan Frostfoot was big, loud and cinematic. A sad, yet heroic tale of sacrifice against an unstoppable enemy." "Lenny, you masterfully crafted multiple story threads in to one to achieve your goal of exploring the story of Og-dor, ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand soaking up the thirst of the land." "Hench-Gobbo took it upon himself to create a wonderful poem about the glory of big bellies. The Troll King's demise, but the Goblins will rise!" "Mister Turner had his story take a bit of a left turn, steering away from the obvious literal splitting of a mountain. You did your own name justice, good Rat." "Nes, your ode to Longpunch was as shakespearean as they come. Well written, well told with sass and class, we expected no less." "Hans, you also subverted our expectations with your interpretation of Dustbreath. No Fire-breathing gone wrong, no, another one just... bit the dust." "Ally, your story of the Ogre who bit a Beast of Nurgle had a promising start... but it kind of went south real quick near the end." "And Snookie, you may have misheard and/or misread your assignment. But your poem about the Orc Brusher was FANTASTIC!" "But now comes the time, when two of you must be sent home" the Handsome Coach continues as he raises his hand. We hear the thumping of heavy footsteps, the sound grows louder and louder. *thud, thud, thud, thud* The pace quickens. Out of the darkness, a hulking beast jumps in to the pit, spreading dust and sand everywhere. The smoke from the fire-pit spreads in all directions due to the massive impact. Slowly but surely, the smog clears... revealing Lennifer, huffing and puffing. She's not wearing any fancy dresses, breast-plates or trinkets. Just simple Ogre attire; some rags and cloth, hastily stitched together by Gnoblars and her own custom-made Women with Attitude gut-plate. Lennifer bellows and roars as she smashes her fists against her gut-plate. Slightly scared, but pretending that he isn't, the Handsome Coach explains what's about to go down. "All of your stories were so grand, so creative that it was impossible for us to call any of them worthy of your elimination. But the show must go on, so we will take a different approach... gut-barging!". Lennifer continues to holler and slam her hands against her belly, as if she's riling up the crowd. Only Ally seems to understand what's going on as he's enthusiastically wailing and waving his arms around. "For those of you who're uneducated..." the Handsome Coach tries his best to talk over the two shouting Ogres; "Gut-barging is where two contestants grab each other by the belt and try to push one-another down to the ground. The first one to buckle, is the loser. It is a contest of girth and might and a proud tradition of the Ogre race. Usually, the winner gets to eat a part of the loser, but in this case you'll just be eliminated from The Bachelogrette... to keep it civil." "Snookie, you're up first!" the Handsome Coach shouts as he points towards the ever confused-looking Golem. With the agility of wooden board, Snookie tumbles in to the pit and is immediately bull-rushed by Lennifer. She pushes her big gut up against Snookie and grabs him by the waistband. "YOU HOLD! YOU TAKE!" Lennifer screams as Snookie slowly puts his big hands on Lennifers belt. The contestants grow silent as both Snookie and Lennifer begin to strain, focusing all their energy and power on pushing down without giving up an inch themselves. All you can hear are their muffled groans and the crackling of the fire-pit as the two giants put their strength to the test. The other contestants watch on in awe... when suddenly, a strange noise breaks the tension. It almost sounds like... wires snapping. Before anyone realises what's going on, Lennifer falls forward on to Snookie. The Golem's legs are still standing, but they're no longer attached to his body. Victorious, Lennifer rises up and hands Snookie his cut-off, broken legs. "You fight 'ard, you strong. But not strong enough." she says, not realising that Snookie can't really walk away from this whole ordeal since his legs just got snapped off. Without skipping a beat, Ally jumps down in to the pit "ME NEXT!" he roars. "Good..." Lennifer replies, "Now I no needs to hold back!". The tyrants clash their bellies together and firmly grasp the other by the waist. At first, it almost looks romantic, their faces close together, like a dance by the fire-light... but once the gut-barging actually starts, all off that goes straight out the window. Both Ogres belch and bellow, their muscles pumping and straining. The force they're putting on each other is so tremendous, you'd swear the ground underneath them is about to collapse. With neither Ogre giving any ground and their howls becoming louder and more thunderous with every passing minute the other contestants grow more enthused. "You can do it, Lennifer!" Hench-Gobbo cries out. "Yes, my dearest, smack that peasant in to the ground!" Nes follows-up. Empowered by her suitors, Lennifer lets out a deafening roar as she puts all of her might in to one last push. Ally tries his best to hold but he cannot endure it any longer. Slowly but surely, his right knee begins to buckle until it eventually hits the ground and the contest is over... . Covered in sweat, Lennifer falls back. A gang of Gnoblars immediately tends to her with cool towelettes and some ale. Ally is left on his knees, defeated in both strength and spirit. Lennifer stands up and extends her hand to her opponent; "We do again sometime. Maybe next time, you stronger. Prolly not, but you nev'r know." As both of the Ogres make their way out of the pit, completely oblivious to the fact that Snookie is still stuck there without any legs, the handsome Coach speaks up again. "And so, Snookie and Ally have been eliminated from The Bachelogrette! @wismerhill and @Rymdkejsaren, as always, you're allowed to speak your parting words and share your goodbyes before heading home. For the rest of you, we have a new task! To test if you're qualified to raise an Ogre's child, you will each take care of tiny, baby Ogre for one day! This little Ogre was the main character in the Women with Attitude's journey during Season 7 of the OCC and he's eager to learn how to become a great Blood Bowl player! So get your parenting-pants on @brocCooLi, @Fantus, @Waleed, @Borke, @Sliceanddice, @Suido and show us that you have capable parenting skills!
  8. Season 10, Match Day 5: Brawling in the Wind. Game result page HERE! WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE VS D'ORCS 2.0 After the horrible failure that was D'Orcs 1.0, @DakaMan brings his second rendition of the green menace to the pitch to face down the Women with Attitude. We were already worried about this match-up and after the Inducement Phase, our dread grew even more. DakaMan follows the wise teachings of John Hammond and he “spares no expense”. Both Ripper and Ugroth join the D'Orcs for this game and then their coach spends all of his savings on a Bribe. The only upside to this is that there will be no Wizard to zap Lennifer Jaw-Rends in the face. Aside from the Induced Stars, the D'Orcs also bring a few interesting goons of their own to the table: Sheldon Cooper, a Thrower with Accurate, Block, +AG and +ST. Will Wheaton, the extraordinary Mighty Blow, Piling On, Jump Up Lineman. Dr. Zachery Smith, a Block, +AG Lineman. Comic Book Guy, a Black Orc with +ST and Block. The rest of the team is on the lighter side, but quite evenly developed apart from Adam Savage, Dr. Stephen Hawking and Chris Hardwick, all Blitzers with Mighty blow, Tackle and Guard. The D'Orcs win the toss and choose to receive, stealing the ladies' usual game-plan of “hitting them before they can hit you”. Our gals set-up and with both Ripper and Ugroth on the pitch, we prepare for the worst... . A Riot straight from the get-go shaves a turn off of Ugroth's presence for this half so the Chainsaw-wielding Star gets right to it and Badly Hurt's Dame Juicy Drenched. Looks like this'll be another game where the ladies are down to 5 big gals right at the start. It's becoming somewhat of a theme. The girls Break Tackle away from trouble and Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley Knocks Out Dr. Zachery Smith, ending our turn in a very defensive position. The D'Orcs do what most teams do in this situation and they “pop-a-Gnob” while the rest of the squad moves forward. The greenskins are leaning a little towards the left flank, but 2 Blitzers have made their way down the right. Luckily for us, we have Amy Shawarma and Lennifer in place to keep those guys busy while everyone else tries to hold the fort. On Turn 4, Ugroth comes in again and saws Paris Killton's gut-plate in half. Just a Knock Out, sure, but it still hurts. Thankfully, Adam Savage makes an incompetent Dodge away from Amy and shoves his own boot up his ass while doing so, severely injuring the Blitzer (MNG). It seems that for every Ogre removed from the pitch, an Orc must follow suit. The D'Orcs are now pushing the left flank hard and with Lennifer Bone-heading across the pitch, it's up to Ellen and Bichelle Omaha to slow them down. Thanks to a lacklustre turn without removals, we are granted a shot at the ball carrier, Sheldon. With Kindness marking a giant Black Orc, Bichelle Break Tackles in to the fray and heroically takes the troublesome Thrower down! Quick Old Fashioned III even manages to catch the ball on the bounce! But Nuffle decides this isn't our time and "the little Gnoblar that could" fails his Dodge and his re-rolled Dodge, knocking him out for his troubles. With Ogres scattered around the pitch and our Gnoblars dwindling in number far too quickly, this half looks to be pretty much a done deal. Cleaveland Steamer, our Kick-Gnob, eats an MNG, Kindness dies for providing Bichelle with a shot at the ball the turn before and the D'Orcs recover the pigskin using their last re-roll. Ellen gets another stab at taking down Sheldon, but it results in a Push. Meanwhile, Amy knocks down Ugroth, but doesn't manage to hurt him. The last 4 remaining girls get corralled to the right side of the pitch while Sheldon makes his way towards tour end zone and scores. 0-1 for the D'Orcs. We set up on our Turn 8, ready to TTM ourselves to a draw, but a Blitz! ruins that idea. The 1 lone Lineman we leave unattended simply moves in and actually catches the ball while standing right next to Ellen. Amy Bone-Heads on the Blitz, but Ellen manages to take the rogue Lineman down. Unfortunately, the ball scatters too far forward to make any TTM happen so we go with the next best thing, showing off Lennifer's amazing passing skills! The half ends 0-1 for the D'Orcs. After half-time, it's the ladies' turn to start off the brawling! All the K.O.'d players from both teams rejoin the fight and here we find out that Nuffle favours whoever goes first. Bichelle blocks Ray Palmer (Block, Mighty Blow BoB) and Stuns him. Amy takes her shot at Ripper and also leaves him Stunned. Paris steps it up a notch and Knocks Out Lisa Simpson (rookie BoB) with Ellen following suit, Knocking Out Ugroth. If all of that wasn't good enough, White Dragon secures the ball and safely hides behind a wall of Ogres. Befuddled by this amazing turn, DakaMan's Orcs scramble forward just a little and remove 1 Gnobbie from the pitch. Insulted by the lack of ferocity on our opponents' end, Bichelle demonstrates her Piling On-abilities and flat out kills Dr. Stephen Hawking. The Apothecary steps in, but too many pieces of the Orc are no longer attached to his body and death is inevitable. The ladies secure the right flank and several brave Gnoblars mark the players who were previously Stunned, to keep them in place for another turn. The D'Orcs move in with everything they've got, causing no damage, but threatening the safety of White Dragon. Our ladies have no intention of stalling for very long, since we'd rather play to win than play to draw so we abuse the enemy's large open back field straight away. Lennifer comes in, grabs White Dragon by his little rags and tosses him all the way over to the left flank. The Gnobbie lands safely and moves forward, guaranteed to score next turn. Fuelled by rage, a Black Orc kills Backhand IV as his fellow teammates scoot back to their end-zone to threaten White Dragon, should he dare to stall. No shenanigans! White Dragon goes in for the Touchdown on Turn 12. 1-1 (for the Women with Attitude!) As the players prepare to set up a third time, all K.O.'s wake up again and Ugroth is removed from play for being such a nasty cheat. The Women with Attitude have only 8 players remaining while the D'Orcs can still field a full team. Our Cheering Fans provide a little bit of help but these last few turns are not going to be easy. Our main concern is Dr. Zachery Smith, that AG4 Orc needs to be marked at all times and taken down whenever possible. However, Sheldon moves forward with the pigskin in his hands early on and the gals figure they can threaten him too. Bichelle is unable to create a hole big enough for Ellen to fit through, so Ellen marks the receiver instead. Lennifer on the other hand smacks around Bill Nye (Guard Blitzer) and Stuns him, giving Paris enough room to wiggle her big booty forward, right next to Sheldon. Sheldon manages to dodge away on his turn, but the rest of his team is way too far forward to provide him with any additional protection. It all comes down to Paris... . She Break Tackles away, reaches Sheldon easily and then + re-rolled in to +. Failure, devastating failure. Sheldon is able to join up with a few Orcs and Paris is essentially out of the game, having downed herself so far down the pitch. Lennifer and Ellen are the only ones left capable of putting up a fight, the other girls are either too far away, marked or downed. Again, DakaMan shows he isn't scared and moves right up. Taunting us to take a shot at Sheldon, using his last re-roll to mark Ellen. We accept this generous offer; take down Ray Palmer, Blitz down Sheldon and mark the ball with Lennifer. Now it comes down to this. The D'Orcs have to move Lennifer away from the ball with a Blitz, pick up the ball and pass it to Dr. Zachery Smith, who was left alone last turn and is free to run the oval in, should he catch it. Without any re-rolls remaining. Everything works perfectly, there is no plot-twist. The game ends 1-2 for the D'Orcs 2.0. ----- A rough game, but a fun game. I feel like we got boned by dice a few times when it really mattered but that's Blood Bowl for you. A draw would've been amazing, especially after such a devastating first half and I feel like we might have been able to achieve it if I had marked all 3 Linemen on our Turn 8, playing around the Blitz OR if DakaMan got unlucky and rolled a 1 somewhere in his last turn. Overall, I think we played well. We do lose Leader with Kindness' passing, but we also cut our TV by about 60k. Good game to DakaMan. As always, I cannot be mad at someone who chooses Star Players over a Wizard. The dead Blitzer is obviously punishment by Nuffle for using his entire Treasury on a Bribe!
  9. Due to time constraints and savage procrastination on my end, we have our first double feature! Oh, joy! Season 10, Match Day 3: Prepare for Trouble... . Game result page HERE! THE DAMNED UNITED VS WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE Match Day 3 sees the Women with Attitude face off against @MC Hammer's Chaos; The Damned United. We were kind of optimistic about this match since the only CLAWPOMB Beastman on the team was out due to an Injury. Not only that, our opponent even decides to take the high road during the inducement phase and gets himself a Bloodweiser Babe and Grashnak Blackhoof. Sure, we often have trouble against ST6 tough-guys, but at least there won't be a Wizard zapping away at poor Lennifer Jaw-Rends this game! The Damned United are not without threats of their own, however, Kongush the Minotaur comes with Claw/Tentacles and the Mashmulgors (+AG Beastman) plus Drath Neth Shyesh (+AG/Block/+MA) combo provides an easy one-two to get the ball going. We go on the offense, hoping to poke some holes in to a few Beastmen before they get a chance to retaliate. Things don't really go as planned and we only manage a single Stun while we're forced to pop a re-roll on the pick-up as Lennifer can't get a hold on the ball on the first try. Kongush comes in immediately, ploughing in to Bichelle Omaha and removing her from the field. Badly Hurt, so no permanent damage, but the ladies are down an Ogre and there's still 15 turns to be played. We try to form some sort of defensive position in the back field, which would've worked better were it not for the Bone-Head by Dame Juicy Drenched and the Bone-Head in to Bone-Head on the Blitz from Paris Killton. Grashnak Blitzes in, pushing a Gnobbie back until he's right next to Lennifer. The rest of The Damned follow in his tracks. Dame Juicy sees a shot at Slashliver Grosspinch (Block/Guard and Niggled Warrior) but doesn't quite manage to kill the bugger. Ah, well, guess she can always throw her entire body on top of him. Boop, one Warrior Badly Hurt. Something went right, we better make an incompetent play to make up for it! Instead of dodging Lennifer away from Grashnak, we try to block. Not only that, we Bone-Head and do not re-roll it, thinking we can manage enough assists to maker Grashnak's counter-attack unfavourable. It sort of works, I suppose and Grashnak goes after Paris instead. On the flipside, our side of the field is now swarming with Chaos. Dame Juicy tries to Blitz Lennifer free from Kongush, who moved in last turn, but + force an early re-roll. Not wanting to risk tentacles, we block Kongush with Lennifer, needing only a push, and we + again. Ending our turn, losing the ball. Drath Neth Shyesh wastes no time, grabs the pigskin and with most of our girls flat on their bellies, the stalling begins. Lennifer gets a good shot on Kongush and after a couple of ladies Break Tackle away from the nasty Beastmen, Full Nelson II gives the Minotaur the boot, killing him to death. Speaking of fouls, MC Hammer gets two of his players sent off by turn 6 without doing any real damage, which certainly helps. A chance at redemption shows it's pretty face as a lot of The Damned have gathered in the mid-field for a failed foul. Paris parks herself right in front of the opposing ball-carrier, Amy Shawarma follows suit. It's now Lennifer's turn to Break Tackle in there and knock that sucker down but another Blitz is lost to Bone-Head re-rolled in to Bone-Head... . I guess Nuffle really doesn't want to have this half end 0-0. The ladies try their best, constantly putting their bodies in the way but it's of no use and when turn 8 comes around, The Damned score. The half ends 1-0. The game continues and The Damned are down 4 players thanks to the Ref calling a few fouls. Maybe we can manage something after all? All of The Damned's players stick around the Line of Scrimmage punching Ogres and Gnoblars alike while Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley and Lennifer move up on the flanks, towards the lone ball-carrier. The girls do their best to hold the centre and force some dice out of our opponent while we wait for the obvious "AG4-guy to AG4-guy pass". Around turn 11, Mashmulgors moves forward and tosses the ball to Drath Neth Shyesh once more. There's a huge hole, though, big enough for an Ogre to Blitz in to! Amy springs in to action... and nothing happens. Sure, this time our Blitz actually worked but there's no take-down. Just like the first half, we're stuck with putting Ogres in the way, hoping for that one failed dodge and it never happens. To our surprise, MC Hammer decides to score rather than stall, giving us one last chance at scoring a Touchdown. Lennifer's greasy fingers come in to play again and our turn is ended early by a failed pick-up, pretty much ruining our chances at a fairly decent Throw Team-Mate play as The Damned swarm the ladies' side of the field for the third time in a row. Over the course of a few turns, we do eventually get White Dragon on the other side of the field, but a lone rookie Beastman take him out with an anticlimactic roll. The game ends 2-0 for The Damned United. ----- This was a loss that felt more painful than it should have. I really feel like I made a lot of mistakes, and combined with several unlucky moments, I was just completely out of it by turn 6 or 7. The worst part is that I knew exactly what was going to happen in advance, the AG4 guys were going to grab the ball, and I was never going to get near it ever again. Thank Nuffle the MVP went to an Ogre, because the only other SPP earned in this entire match was Dame Juicy hurting a Warrior. Good game to MC Hammer. I can not be mad at someone who picks Grashnak Blackhoof over a Wizard, a Bribe and an extra Bloodweiser Babe. ----- Season 10, Match Day 4: ... And make it Double! Game result page HERE! SKIN AND BONES VS WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE Now that we got that travesty out of the way, it's time for Match Day 4 against @swompy and his Skin and Bones. It can't possible go any worse than our previous match, right? Bone-Head re-rolled in to Bone-Head Counter: 0. Swompy takes a more serious approach in the Inducement phase, grabbing that bully of a Wizard, a Bribe and 2 Bloodweiser Babes. Player-wise there's no REAL threats to our ladies out there. Sure, the Wolves have Claw, but that's nothing new. I'm thinking that our main stumbling blocks will be Slash, the +AG/Block/Sure Hands Ghoul and Chris Shiflett, a Golem with Block/+ST. Oh, a Blizzard, great, excellent. We're already terrified of GFI's so this definitely isn't helping our cause. We follow Yarrick's advice and defend first, hoping to force the Wizard before we have to go on the offence. Skin and Bones comes out of the gate swinging, stunning Dame Juicy and Bichelle. Bichelle is also pushed near the back, so she's going to become the main target of any fouls to come. We can't really do much to help her but in an attempt to provide some relief, we move a few girls in, reducing the assists. It's all for naught as turn 2 sees Bichelle Knocked Out by a foul, never to return to the pitch again (spoilers). One of the Wolves, Kurt (Block/Tackle/Dodge) also makes his way towards our back-field. Paris, having none of these shenanigans, violently shoves him next to the side-line, hoping to push him off on a later occasion. Kurt, however, breaks his face in the process and is sent off to regenerate in Skin and Bones' Reserves box. Never one to shy away from violence herself, Ellen shows Paris how to permanently keep an Undead down and shoves Nate Mendel (Guard/Tackle/-MA Wight) so far in to the ground that his ancestors actually tell him to “just stay down, this shit ain't worth it.” Skin and Bones has a pretty free run on the right side of the pitch and they immediately go for it. In response, all the ladies shimmy to follow the Ghoul with the fancy, blue glow. Paris and Amy get a little closer and I figure that Ellen might as well do some damage while she moves in. Blitz? No Blitz. Bone-Head re-rolled in to Bone-Head Counter: 1. Keen on keeping up the foul-train and punching Ogres in the gut, swompy leaves a few players behind and gives Lennifer the boot. Thank Nuffle that little Tug of Love was there to remove a few assists. Again, we try to protect the downed sister from a gang-foul but we're denied a Blitz once more. Even Tug of Love can't re-position himself properly in this cacophony of ones and our turn ends with Lennifer still prone. Skin and Bones figure that Ogres are too hard to injure, so now they move on to foul Gnoblars. Kindness proves just as hardy as his fellow team-mates and only gets stunned, but in the back field the ladies are just getting beaten down. Turn 5 comes around and it's the first turn without any Bone-Heads and the gals finally make some progress towards forming a proper line. Ellen Knocks Out a Zombie and the rest of the ladies get up, properly positioned to put on some hurtin' in the following turn. Kindness takes another boot. The Ref, showing some sympathy for the poor little Gnobbie, calls it and swompy is forced to use his Bribe. We have a chance to get close to the ball-carrier..., Lennifer dodges away and marks Slash and Amy is prepped for a Blitz! And another Bone-Head. This one was definitely more on me, since I decided to Block with Dame Juicy first and forced myself in to a re-roll. Ah well, we get another shot because Lennifer is still right there the following turn. Unfortunately, she keeps up the trend on Bone-Heading when we Blitz so we re-roll that and fail our 4+ Breack Tackle to make it to the ball-carrier. Swompy takes no chances and runs it in for the 1-0. Our turn 8 comes around and White Dragon takes the field but the kick is far too deep to manage any kind of TTM play, so we just go for the Zombies on the LoS. Dame Juicy send Lemmy Kilmister to the grave... again. Not much else happens. The half ends 1-0 for Skin and Bones. As mentioned before, Bichelle sleeps through half-time, there's still a Blizzard going on and the damned Wizard remains a threat. Our offence is going to be a nightmare... . Eager to score as quickly as possible, we field White Dragon once more. Things start off pretty shoddy on the LoS, adding another point to our counter: Bone-Head re-rolled in to Bone-Head Counter: 2. We also fail to grab the ball as Lennifer is distracted by the pretty, white snowflakes. Skin and Bones just moves in, marking Ogres and Gnoblars alike. Our solution is simple, play it Halfling-Style. Get the ball in to White Dragon's hands and hope for an opportunity to toss that little bugger across the field. We get a Gnoblar to snatch the ball up, which fails at first, and hand if off to White Dragon. Now all we need is for Lennifer to shuffle a few yards forward... which actually works! Great just pick him up... good... and now TOSS! … fumbled. We're lucky White Dragon lands back on his tiny feet, but we all know there's a Wizard coming. BOOM! Fireball. Taking down both Ellen and Lennifer, the only two Ogres surrounding our ball-carrier. Luckily for us, Paris and Amy (who were holding up the front) resist the blaze of cowardice and we still have a couple of Gnobbies standing in the way. Swompy realises that our plan was to simply throw a guy across the field while he was swarming our side so he sends one of the Wolves back to bring down any stray Gnoblars. We don't have much of a choice, Halfling-Style remains our plan and this time there's no Wizard to mess up our cage. A couple of blocks later, we've secured the ball again and then Paris tries to poke a Zombie. Bone-Head re-rolled in to Bone-Head Counter: 3. The only thing that's keeping us going is the UNBELIEVABLE toughness of our Gnoblars this game. They're taking hit after hit from Werewolves and Golems and they just refuse to stay down. For the third time in a row, White Dragon stands up, grabs the ball and moves in to his cage. No Bone-Heads for this turn, so we have 5 Ogres standing upright, ready to take some punches. Swompy, eager to get at the Gnoblars again, tries to take down Paris with a 2 red-dice Block. Paris proves her worth, ending Skin and Bones' turn and suddenly there's a large gap in the opponent's defence... . Screw Halfling-Style, we're making a run for it! With a couple of Gnobbies holding the faster players back and Ellen tearing Slash a new one, we have only one block left to make in order to secure White Dragon's safety. Bone-Head re-rolled in to Bone-Head Counter: 4. Fuck me sideways... . The one Zombie capable of reaching White Dragon does his thing. At first he fails his 3+GFI but then he rolls the POW and White Dragon is Badly Hurt. The ball plops down on the ground and we have three girls nearby, still, but it doesn't look promising. Nearly all of our blocks result in pushes so Lennifer is forced to Break Tackle and Blitz her way to freedom. +, re-roll, sadness. Our Bachelogrette manages to get to the ball but another "1" shows up and it tumbles down to the ground again. Swompy has plenty of Zombies nearby to make any recovery attempt way more difficult and the rest of the game consists of our girls Blitzing Undead on to the ball, hoping for a good scatter but it never really goes anywhere. There was one point where Lennifer somehow got her hands on the pigskin and I thought she wouldn't be safe on her own. Also, she only needed 1SPP to level so I figure I'd make a Quick Pass to Kindness. The ball scatters 3 squares behind her as she fumbles the throw and we never get close to if after that. Could we have scored with Lennifer if she'd just held on to the ball? Maybe, … probably. I am an idiot.Ah, well, at least Amy manages an injury on one of the Zombies and Lennifer is awarded the MVP so both of them get to level-up! The game ends 1-0 for Skin and Bones. Bone-Head re-rolled in to Bone-Head Counter: 4. ----- This game was definitely more bearable than the last, because I feel like I didn't make as many mistakes. Most of our cruddy turns were due to Blitzes being denied by Bone-Heads, Bone-Heads being re-rolled in to more Bone-Heads and so on. And at least we got some valuable SPP out of this one; Good game to swompy. Once again, Lemmy Kilmister died for our sins.
  10. Once more, everyone is gathered in the garden for this week's Rock-Ceremony. The stage looks more beautiful than ever before, decorated with all the gifts brought by the suitors for this week's challenge. Lennifer stands nervously in the centre, waiting for the Handsome Coach to arrive. It seems she's already wearing the Oldheim Ogres' breastplate that was supposed to be saved for her wedding. None of the crew were brave enough to tell her she couldn't touch it, so there's that. The Handsome Coach limps on stage, he takes off one of his shoes and find some sort of silver coin. "The fuck..." he whispers under his breath right before tossing the coin aside. "Greetings, everyone." The Handsome Coach speaks. "If I knew this week's episode would get so sexual I would've hired more censors, but I do suppose that all of you managed to complete the challenge in time." "There have also been some concerns over bribery, but I assure you that we here at C2MC's Calamitous Content are fair judges no matter how many glorious Elf hearts, gold coins or rights to a player's name you throw at us!" "Speaking of player names!" The Handsome Coach continues "Lennifer, have you thought of a new name for Nes's Blitzer?". Lennifer looks at Nes with a somewhat confused gaze, which is normal for most Ogres. "Erm..." she grunts "Elfie... Elfface... the... Elfman?". "Splendid!" The Handsome Coach interjects, "The new Blitzer shall be named Elfie Elfface the Elfman! We checked, and it's within the limits of the allowed characters in the Blood Bowl rules. And also, for reason completely unrelated to this giant sack of gold and the glorious Elf heart Lennifer ate a few moments after the last show, Nes you gain the show's first ever IMMUNITY, which means you cannot be eliminated this week!" The crowd of contestants grumbles as the High Elf makes his way to a fancy chair on the side, away from the rock-throwing zone. Nes smiles smugly, as High Elves tend to do. The Handsome Coach calms the crowd down a bit, waving his hands and asking for silence, "Lennifer, it is time, grab that rock and tell us who'll be leaving us this week... ". Lennifer moves over to the tiny table and grabs the rock. She looks a little flustered, as if she's not too keen on tossing it at anyone's face this week. "Err'y one was so nice dis week... . Lotsa gifts. Lotsa lovey dovey fellas." she mumbles to herself. It's clear she hasn't made up her mind. Her eyes well up as she realises that someone must get smacked in the head in order for the show to continue. Her eyes now filled with tears, Lennifer lifts up her head and points her chubby finger at Snookie. "Who is you!?" she scream-asks. "You have little fancy-man do all the talking 'n you sit by while I put on best moves! WHO IS YOU!?". Lennifer hurls the rock in Snookie's direction. It barely misses him but cracks Mads I. Entist right in the dome, splattering his gooey brain-matter all over everyone else. Being Blood Bowl players, nobody seems to really care. "Well, ... damn." The Handsome Coach speaks up. "I suppose that means that... Snookie is eliminated?" Lennifer immediately turns towards the Handsome Coach "No! He stay! Now he gotta do talking and moving 'imself instead of little fancy man." "Alright then... ." the Handsome Coach grumbles "I suppose nobody except for that guy's face is eliminated then. I guess we can always remove two contestants next week... ." "Speaking of next week! Here's your challenge; Ogres love tall-tales and legends, especially about their own kin. Ogres get their names or titles after performing a feat of strength or some other extraordinary deed! We have given each of you a card with an Ogre-title on it and it's your job to weave a tale, song or poem of Legend that explains why that name might be bestowed upon a mighty warrior!" Nes: "Longpunch". Ally: "Belly-Biter". Dogbert: "Frostfoot". Hans: "Dustbreath". Hench Gobbo: "Skullbuckle". Snookie: "Orbcrusher". Mr. Turner: "Hill-Splitter". Lenny: "Ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand soaking up the thirst of the land". @brocCooLi, @wismerhill, @Fantus, @Waleed, @Borke, @Rymdkejsaren, @Sliceanddice, @Suido.
  11. Fancy music plays as an underpaid voice-over artist pronounces "And now, it's time for Episode 3 of... The Bachelogrette". The title appears in big, bulky letters as the image slowly fades in to the familiar garden podium. Gnoblars are seen, scampering about with food and drink, providing Hench-Gobbo #3 with that rare opportunity to bully someone smaller than him. We swoop past the contestants, towards the podium once more, Lennifer's sitting down on a large pile of Rhinox hides. She's obviously exhausted, it's been a busy week. A Handsome Coach steps forward. "Greetings, gentlepeople and creatures. First off, I would like to thank each and every one of you for the work you put in to planning your dates this week. We had brawling, eating, unique acts of violence and even an 80's-style -cleaning up the house- moment. But alas, one of you will have gone through all of that trouble for nothing, as it is time to eliminate another contestant." The Handsome Coach gestures towards the small table with the rock on it and beckons Lennifer to step forward. "Ugh, so tired." Lennifer exclaims as she rolls her eyes and refuses to get up from the comfort of her leather skin-bed. "Bring table here!" she groans. Several Gnoblars painstakingly drag the table towards the hulking Ogre but the rock falls off, hitting one of the Gnobbie-Butlers in the head. The contestants and Lennifer burst in to laughter, Gnoblars are such a silly bunch. After wiping the tears of laughter from her face, Lennifer looks over the small crowd in front of her and speaks up. "All you made very nice this week. Lotsa food, lotsa bruisin', lotsa fun to be had." The camera turns away from Lennifer and starts focusing on the contestants. "Ratman brought me horsie meat and let me hug his friends." "Nes showed me his fancy land." "Me 'n Ally grappled and groped and bounced our gut-plates real good!" "Snookie weird, did not say much. His friend was kinda cute." "Dogbert made me scared but then surprise me real nice.I name our pupper -Boof-, 'cause that the noise he make sometimes." "Lenny let me colour his house any way I want." "Gobbo man got us hurtin' Elves. 'n That is always fun!" "Hans is little squishy, but know how to have good time." The camera switches back to Lennifer, as she suddenly remembers that the ceremonial rock fell off the table earlier. Ogre ingenuity kicks in and she just grabs the table by one of it's legs and hurls it forward. The sound of crunching wood and bone are heard, as the camera pans slowly towards the contestants. "Sid you take me nowhere!" Lennifer shouts out. "Also, you promise guts 'n glory yet you lose to tiny, hairy men!" The Handsome Coach steps back in and calms the obviously spoiled Ogress down a bit. "Now, now, Lennifer. There's no need to throw a table AND be rude, just one will do. Sid, I am sorry, but you are eliminated from The Bachelogrette... ." Soft violin music plays as Sid Vicious II puts himself together again and slowly wobbles out of frame. "All of you remaining contestants!" The Handsome Coach speaks up once more "Your task this week is simple. Chances are that one of you will end up engaged to this beautiful beast for the rest of your life, and we all know what you need for a successful wedding... ." "Something Olde, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue". @brocCooLi, @wismerhill, @Fantus, @Waleed, @Borke, @Rymdkejsaren, @Sliceanddice, @Suido. It is your job to find four objects that fit these criteria! Go out there and search for wondrous things that Lennifer could wear on her person should you win this competition and marry yourself an adorable Ogre! @Mongloom, Sid may have shown great prowess in the first week, but the last episode showed he may have just gotten lucky. You are allowed a final statement, if you so desire!
  12. All of the contestants are gathered in front of the garden podium. Lennifer stands next to a small table with a single rock on it. A Handsome Coach steps up to the podium and addresses the crowd. "Good evening, Gentlepeople. As you know, normally the Bachelogrette would talk to each and every one of you and then give a rose to the contestants she wishes to remain in the competition. That takes a long time so we've decided to simplify the process." The Handsome Coach turns to Lennifer; "Lennifer, please pick up that rock and toss it at the bachelor you'd like to exit The Bachelogrette." After a solid minute of processing this command, Lennifer picks up the rock and power-bombs it towards the contestants. It hits Karlmann King square in the face. The Black Orc grumbles a bit, but he doesn't seem to mind that much, he's used to taking hits. "Why did you choose Karlmann King, Lennifer?" The Handsome Coach asks. Lennifer shuffles her feet around for a few seconds before replying "Me was aimin' for Hans, 'onest. But King same problem, very silent. Me want a man strong and loud and fierce!" The Handsome Coach chimes in, "Yes, it's true that both Karlmann King and Hans Gruber made little effort to impress you when you first met them. The Bachelogrette has spoken, Karlmann King, you may leave the grounds. Watch out for the Goblin Landmines on your way out... ." The camera zooms in on Karlmann King's face as he turns around and stumbles away, holding his hand over his cheek. Not because he's upset, but because he just got hit by a freaking rock. Sad music plays in a cheap attempt to make whoever's watching the show feel some sort of emotional connection. "To all of you who remain, your chance at love with the Bachelogrette is still there! This week, you'll be allowed to take Lennifer on your first date. Please note that you'll have to pay for it yourself, our production budget doesn't cover anything beyond this set. Let your imagination run wild and try not to do anything that we're not allowed to show on Cabalvision, you bunch of perverts!" The Handsome Coach leaves the stage and Lennifer looks over the remaining contestants. She seems excited,... and quickly glances to Dogbert. "I like your face too..." she tries to whisper but accidentally shouts. Embarrassed by the awkward confession, Lennifer wobbles off the stage. Contestants! @brocCooLi, @wismerhill, @Fantus, @Waleed, @Borke, @Rymdkejsaren, @Mongloom, @Sliceanddice, @Suido. Please let us know where you took Lennifer out this week and how the experience went. Don't plan anything for this Sunday, though, because Lennifer has plans! @El Maldito, Karlmann King is allowed a few parting words if he feels the need to vent. Thank you for playing! Sunday 03/01/2019 - 09h00 UTC TIKAL HEART OPENERS VS WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE
  13. Season 10, Match Day 2: They can't see us if we don't move... . Game result page HERE! TIKAL HEART OPENERS VS WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE What a start to the Season it has been for our girls! Their first match was a convincing victory and all of the SPP earned was spread amongst the Ogres. The Bachelogrette has been a fun little side-project and the community has shown it more attention than I'd ever dared to dream. It's fair to say that we weren't just “ready” for the Tikal Heart Openers, we were looking forward to beating the scales off their weird, blue meat. The Lizzies only have 1 Season under their belt, so player development isn't quite up there. Most of the Saurii have Block, some Skinks have Diving Tackle. There's 2 big players we've got our eyes on: - Kroclotha the Bloxigor. - Coalt of Pahualaxa the ST5 Saurus. Of course, there's also quite a bit of inducement gold, 760k to be more exact. And props to @Karmai, he was extremely efficient, acquiring himself a Wizard, a Wandering Apothecary, 2 Bloodweiser Babes, Slibli and a Loner Saurus with Block. Eager to pop those Apothecaries ASAP, the Women with Attitude choose to receive. The ball is kicked quite deep, but it's a High Kick so Lennifer Jaw-Rends gets to move in to position right away, grabbing the pigskin and running it forward. It's a good thing that Lennifer's on point because none of the other girls seem warmed up. A Blitz and a Block on Slibli (including a re-roll) results in pushes and Paris Killton and Dame Juicy Drenched Bone-Head. Not quite the start we were hoping for... . Kaihutec (Block Saurus) shows the ladies how it's done by Blitzing Hot Karl II to death while the rest of the beefy guys position properly to protect the stunties. On our turn, we immediately focus the one lone Saurus in our backfield but only manage a stun. Then some random Skink dives for Quick Old Fashioned III's feet as he tries to dodge away, knocking him out. Once more the Heart Openers attempt to retaliate, but Bichelle Omaha's Thick Skull keeps her on the field. Quetcuaqsoatz joins his Saurus brother on the ladies' side of the pitch while the rest continues to play defence. Dame Juicy doesn't like all these snakey-men on her side of the pitch, so she decides to remove one from the game permanently. Inspired by her sister, Paris K.O.'s Silly Billy while the rest of the squad guards Lennifer. The Heart Openers send another Saurus forward to assist Kaihutec and move most of their forces to the right side of the pitch. At incredible speed, the girls lazily waddle to the left, outmanoeuvring the silly Lizardmen. Seeing this incredible display of skill and agility, Kroclotha decides to finally get involved and plants himself in the middle of our cage after bumping Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley to the ground. SURPRISE, DINGUS! We're suddenly on the right side now! With the finesse of a herd of pregnant manatees, the gals somehow manage to create quite the gap between several Saurii and the Kroxigor. While Amy Shawarma K.O.'s another fool for good measure, we huddle around Lennifer and prepare for the inevitable Lightning Bolt. But Karmai is feeling nice and attempts to stop us with fair-play first. Coalt of Pahualaxa manages a solid hit on Paris and stuns her, forcing us to switch sides once more. Bichelle tries to skin one of the Saurii alive but the first Apothecary shows up and keeps him in one piece. Then, the trickery arrives and as per usual, Lennifer takes some Magic-induced Lightning to the face. The Heart Openers get 2 Saurii next to the ball before a Skink snatches it and manages to avoid Ellen, skipping all the way back to the mid-field. Angered by her failure, Ellen smashes in to the ball-thief and knocks him out, planting herself next to the pigskin again. The rest of the team sets up as many scoring threats as possible, but the half is nearly over and we're going to need some grandiose moves if we're to pull this one off. Our task is not made any easier when history repeats itself. Just like before, a Skink runs by, grabs the ball and scampers several yards down the field. Luckily, a failed GFI puts an end to this mess. We have a few options available to us and they all involve Amy picking up the rock. Thankfully, she does what needs to be done and gets the hand-off to Kindness. Ellen double Bone-Heads her way in to oblivion so our only hope is a stunty-pass in to double GFI for the touchdown. Kindness shows off his throwing arm, and Tug of Love fails the catch, probably confused by his colleagues amazing passing skills. The Lizzies don't manage anything on their last turn and the half ends 0-0. Bloodweiser Babes do their thing and wake up everyone in the K.O. Box, ready for the second half. The Heart Openers position very aggressively but a quick rock to Mindawaq's (Block Saurus) nose stuns him right on the line of scrimmage. The Krox Bone-Heads and the Gnoblar-Blitz is a dud. Karmai pulls a few 1-die Blocks out of his snakehole and manages to salvage the first turn, LoS and ball secured. To the ladies' credit, they hit back hard. No casualties or anything but by the time our 9th turn is over, we're spread nicely across the centre line, with a bunch of downed Saurii at our feet, just waiting to see where those Skinks take that ball. Karmai keeps his stunties in the back while his tougher lads take some more risks. Another 1-die takes down Bichelle and a 2-red die Block removes Lennifer from the game, Badly Hurt. After spending so much time being the Runner, it seems she's forgotten how to fight properly. Things keep getting worse as slowly but surely, the Heart Openers start winning the fist-fight. Donkey Punch III getting smacked by the Krox's Prehensile Tail doesn't help matters, either. In a strange twist, Karmai switches to defence-mode, gathering several Saurii and all of the Skinks on the left side of the pitch, hoping to outsmart or outrun the Ogres. The ladies shuffle around a bit, keeping a nice spread across the line of scrimmage, aware that the sneaky snakes are trying to lure us in to over-committing on the left side. Amazed by our intelligence, the Lizzies forget to Blitz but stick to the plan as the entire team moves back towards the centre of the pitch. The girls know that now's the time to strike! Bichelle escorts the Loner off the field while Ellen demonstrates her strength to Coalt of Pahualaxa by strangling him with his own forked tongue. Turn 14, the Heart Openers stick to their guns and continue to pressure the right side of the pitch. We've gathered quite a few Ogres and Gnoblars to stand in their way but Nuffle is on their side and a Hand-off, in to several Dodges and GFI's gets them their first Touchdown of the game. 1-0 for the Heart Openers. The girls have 3 turns to score an equaliser, time to bring out White Dragon. Another deep kick, lovely. Not only that, White Dragon actually fails to pick up the ball. Now we have 2 turns to get it to someone who doesn't have AG4 and Sure Feet in a desperate attempt to Throw Team-Mate our way to a draw. Karmai plays it smart and draws a fancy line of Skinks in his backfield while whatever is left of his team holds up a couple of gals in the middle. It's now or never. Our hand-off to Kitchen Sink IV, who's been standing on the line of scrimmage this whole time, is successful, Ellen gets in to position and tosses the bugger as far as she can. Sadly, Kitchen Sink IV lands right next to a Skink and can't manage to get his feet under him, tumbling down, ending the game 1-0. ----- I felt like we were very close to a win/draw at multiple points during this game. We removed a ton of AV9 players from the field which gave us an edge when it came to actually putting up a fight. unfortunately, the Skinks were too dodgy for us and made away with the pigskin on multiple occasions. On the other hand, we have another game where all of the SPP earned goes to the ladies! Definitely a loss I don't feel bad for. I feel like we played it as best we could, and if we were a little luckier, we could've made some Ogre magic happen. NOW PLEASE ENJOY THIS COMPILATION OF THE WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF SOME AV9 LIZARDS!
  14. The camera flies overhead and shows us a large, open garden. We follow an enormous red carpet, stretching over the entire span of a luscious estate. The contestants look at the lens as it passes by, probably because they've never seen a Gnoblar land so smoothly while carrying a giant camera before. Eventually we reach a podium in the middle of the garden, rose petals are spread all around. A Handsome Coach appears... . "Welcome, creatures and coaches, to the very first episode of... The Bachelogrette." the Handsome Coach exclaims, "Please gather 'round". The Handsome Coach continues talking as the contestants move in closer. "It's great to see so many volunteers, here, willing to take a chance at love with a giant lady-beast. Some of you were SO excited that the fight for our Bachelogrette's heart already started during the sign-ups.", the Handsome Coach cheekily looks towards Nesantdon Talaneth. "But all that was just a warm-up, gentlefolk, this is where the game actually starts! The rules are simple, prove your love for the Bachelogrette and try not to die over the course of the Season. And now without further ado, I present to you... Lennifer Jaw-Rends" The camera swoops forward, towards a large door. The door opens, revealing... nobody. After a few seconds the camera pans slowly to the right. Lennifer can be seen, shovelling food in to her mouth from the production crew's buffet table. As she realises that she missed her mark, she slowly turns around, lifts up her arm and waves at the contestants. She's not wearing her usual rags and spikes, someone actually went through the trouble of fashioning a black Ogre-sized dress out of what appears to be multiple Dark Elf uniforms. Even her gut-plate is fancier than usual, a gorgeous silver disc, adorned with genuine Orc-tusks. Absolutely beautiful! The Handsome Coach beckons her towards the podium and Lennifer obliges, but not before grabbing a few more slices of pie, first. "It seemed only natural to choose the youngest and most slender of the Women with Attitude to be your prize for this Event." the Handsome Coach exclaims. "Lennifer has shown great promise as a Blood Bowl player and her career is on the rise! Also, she is the only one who actually understood how this game works when I explained it, so yeah... there's that." Lennifer looks around, eyeballing the contestants. "Oooh, he pretty!" she proclaims as she gazes in AllyRdr's direction. "Now, now, Lennifer" the Handsome Coach interrupts "We have to give everyone a chance, you can't just go for the only other Ogre right away. Why don't we show them how we reacted to the candidates right after the sign-ups?" The camera moves up once again and reveals a large projection screen. A video starts playing, showing the Handsome Coach and Lennifer sitting on the ground with pictures of every contestant surrounding them. "So Lennifer, what do you think of these players, willing to be your partner?" the Handsome Coach politely asks. "Hmm" Lennifer groans, as she swipes through all of the pictures. Nesantdon Talaneth: "His name hard. Nes from now on." AllyRdr: "Big and strong. I like." Dogbert: "Also big and strong. Also like." Karlmann King: "Not as big... also look injured. Maybe die soon." Hans Gruber: "Man with experience. No claws, I like." Hench-Gobbo #3: "Scrawny Gobbo... . Maybe tastes nice." Snookie: "Man of few words." Sid Vicious: "Strong name. How love-making work with Skeleton?" Mr Natural One-Turner: "Another long name. Head hurt." Lenny Kravitz: "This one in our... divishun. Talks a lot. See if he survives cuddles." The image fades and The Handsome Coach comes in to frame again and provides this episode's closing statement. "As you heard, Lennifer is not that impressed just yet. But it's up to you to change that! Play your games, show your strength and feel free to stick around and chit-chat. I've already heard Nesantdon brag about his performance to literally everybody and you other folk don't want to lose to a High Elf, now, do you?" @brocCooLi, @wismerhill, @Fantus, @El Maldito, @Waleed, @Borke, @Rymdkejsaren, @Mongloom, @Sliceanddice, @Suido. "And feel free to keep your eyes on Lennifer's games too!" Saturday 26/01/2019 - 20h00 UTC WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE vs KUDZU
  15. Season 10, Match Day 1: Get away from her, you birch! Game result page HERE! WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE vs KUDZU Season 10 kicks off at last, and the Women with Attitude have never been more ready. We even spent a big sack of money on a 4th re-roll. After 6 Seasons of relying on Kindness' ability to be a proper Leader it was about time we got ourselves an upgrade. @wakrob's Wood Elves have access to a few interesting players: - Sparrow, a Thrower with Pass, Safe Throw and Sure Feet. - Nature's Gift, a +AG, Tackle and Jump Up Wardancer. - Dances with Touchdowns, Wardancer with Strip Ball, Side Step and Dauntless. Luckily for us, Merlinpig got a good hit in on Dances with Touchdowns, so he's missing this game. Thanks, Merlinpig! On the flipside, Wakrob has 550k Inducement money which he decides to spend on a Wizard, 2 Bloodweiser Babes and a Halfling Master Chef. Kudzu wins the toss and decides to go first. The ladies are a little distracted by the Halfling Chef, losing 2 re-rolls, but our cheerleaders manage to recover one when the Kick-off happens. Right from the start, Kudzu appears disorganised and clumsy as Sparrow not only fails his first pick-up, he also flubs a Sure Feet GFI. Looks like the Elves didn't really care for practising during their time off. The ladies attempt to capitalise with a Throw Team-Mate play but Bichelle Omaha fumbles the toss. Sparrow gives it another go, costing his team one more re-roll as he fails the pick-up again, but Elf things save the day. A Pass into a Hand-off, into a Leap, into a Touchdown. 0-1 for Kudzu. The girls get their offence going with a bang! The Kick lands pretty deep, which is never a good thing against Elves, but Lennifer Jaw-Rends shows those damn hippies how it's done and picks up the ball on the first try. Good job, Lennifer! In addition, Bichelle and Paris Killton remove 2 Linemen from the game by crushing their skulls with their womanly fists. The Elves try and put some pressure on, but another failed Sure Feet GFI sees Red Shift (Sure Feet Catcher) fall flat on his face. The ladies all huddle up as close to Lennifer as possible as Wakrob's Wizard calls a bolt of lightning from the sky. Lennifer's not hurt, but there's still a few Elves close by, which could spell trouble. Red Shift stands up and Blitzes poor Kindness away from the ball, providing Kudzu with a chance to steal. Unfortunately for them, Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley is in “Get that Wardancer”-mode and she trips up Nature's Gift as he tries to Dodge to safety, breaking the Wardancer's neck in the process. Happy birthday TO THE GROUND! The Apothecary shows up and is able to re-attach most of the vertebrae, but we won't be dealing with this guy any time soon. Lennifer gets back on her feet and attempts to recover the pigskin, but all of that Wardancer blood has made it super slippery. Thankfully, Ellen's around and manages to get a grip on the annoying oval. Kudzu tries for a 2 Red Die Blitz, but it only pushes Ellen closer towards their end-zone. The Ogres move up, poking Elves as they go. A well placed boot by Hot Karl II puts Sparrow out of his misery, leaving very few developed players on the field for Kudzu. Wakrob gives the order to retreat and stay alive as Kudzu falls back to the Women with Attitude end-zone, leaving Ellen unopposed and free to score the equaliser. 1-1 at half-time! The second half kicks off. The Halfling Chef only steals 1 re-roll as he used most of his fresh ingredients when the game started. But that's where the good times grind to a halt. Multiple Bone-heads prevent us from securing the ball, leaving it out and about for any Elf to snatch. Red Shift comes running in, ruining our fun but thankfully there's simply not enough players left on Kudzu's side to pose a real threat. Amy Shawarma Blitzes in to the Catcher, giving the gals another chance and Kindness is forced to pick up the ball as Lennifer is distracted by a handsome Minotaur in the stands. The Elves aren't done, Weeping Willow runs forward and Blitzes Kindness down to the ground. That poor Gnobbie barely had a chance to chew on the ball a little, for Nuffle's sake! Ah well, Lennifer wakes up around Turn 11 and after the rest of the squad shoves some furries out of the way, the ball is once again secured by the Bachelogrette herself. Bone-Head keeps causing trouble and by Turn 12, we're still standing in our own half. Kudzu adapts, switching to a more defensive style, hoping to delay the girls as long as possible. A cheeky Blitz pushes Bichelle in to range of the Treeman, Sturdybud, who knocks her down and sets up for a foul. Thankfully, she survives the ordeal. Escorted by a parade of Gnoblars, Lennifer trucks on forward. Zarlin (Leader Thrower) tries to make a desperate Blitz, but he cannot manage to Dodge through the maze of tiny, green dudes surrounding our Ball Carrier. Eager to redeem himself, he gives it another shot on the following turn but he ends up eating the astrogranite once more. By Turn 15, all of the Elves are down on the ground and too far away to prevent Lennifer from scoring. Paris casually breaks Bear Paw (Rookie Lineman) in half and Lennifer stumbles forward, giggling at the spectacle. 2-1 for the Women with Attitude. Kudzu gets one final turn and Nuffle decides to salt the wound. As the first action of Wakrob's Turn 16, Sturdybud Blocks Bichelle, resulting in both of the players going down. Bichelle takes a Stun for her troubles, and the game ends 2-1. ----- Wakrob definitely wasn't the luckiest coach around. Several 1's at crucial moments will stop even Elves in their tracks. I also didn't mention the Treeman a lot because he spent the first half on the floor and the second half rooted to the ground. The only decision Wakrob made that I don't agree with is the Halfling Master Chef. Eldril Sidewinder and his fancy Hypnotic Gaze are a giant pain in the bum for Ogres, and any extra players would've definitely proven useful. And... what's this... ? Paris earned 9SPP thanks to her first ever MVP in over 50 games! Go, go, Paris!
  16. Made for the T4A Smack Talk thread! It's late at night. I'm having trouble sleeping. Maybe it's the cold outside or maybe it's the nerves before a new Season,... I don't know. I grip my pillow tightly when I suddenly notice its increasing warmth. A voice “whispers” in my ear... OH YEAH! It's time for the Season 10 Overview, with your host: THE GHOST OF MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE! I jump up at the realisation that once again a giant man has manifested himself where my pillow used to be. I try to tell him that it's 3AM and that I have to go to work tomorrow but he won't have any of it. Listen here, oh yeah, Suido is going to do that thing where he smack-talks the entire tier in one fell swoop. But if we get there first, oh yeah, then everyone will think that he stole our idea and you'll look like a genius! Yeah! Reluctantly, I get up and make some coffee. I might as well get this out of the way, I suppose. I get ready to give the Ghost of Macho Man Randy Savage the go-ahead, but it looks like he's already sta- The Women with Attitude have never been more prepared for a Season, yeah, and the Macho Man is 1000% CONVINCED that they will bring home the title! Yeah! OH YEAH! Time to scope out the competition, if you can even call it that. Yeah! Let's go in order from FIRST BLOOD TO LAST! Yeah! @wakrob is our appetiser and there is not a doubt in the Macho Man's mind, yeah, that there won't be a single Elf left standing by the time the second half comes around. Sure, it's been a while since the ladies faced off against the forest hippies, yeah, but punching Elves is like riding a bike. You never forget how to do it, oh yeah! @Karmai's Tikal Heart Openers better hope they got a good Apothecary on their side, yeah. Because the gals are looking for some new snake leather boots, yeah, AND THERE AIN'T NO SNAKES SO LIZARDMEN WILL HAVE TO DO! Hissin' and sissin' won't save you when the Women with Attitude come for YOU! Yeah! The Damned United, The Damned Indeed! Yeah! @MC Hammer may be a well-respected artist, yeah, but once you step on to that pitch... none of that matters, yeah. Two Warriors named “Grosspinch”? Yeah! What's that all about? They better not pinch our ladies anywhere inappropriate because NOTHING is more badass, yeah, than treating a woman with RESPECT! Puppy-dogs and bones, yeah, what a strange combination... . The ladies are not too fond of scratchy beasts, so we'll have to get those de-clawed RIGHT AWAY! Yeah! Not to worry, @swompy (yeah!), your vet bill won't come through IF THEY DIE ON THE OPERATING TABLE! Yeah! The train of bashy teams continues with @DakaMan and once again the girls face their old nemesis... Orcs, yeah! But what's this, these guys are some sort of nerdy, skinny Orcs? Yeah! Oho, looks like the tides have finally turned against the Greenskin filth! Yeah! The Macho Man will enjoy watching these dorks, yeah, HANGING FROM A FLAGPOLE BY THEIR UNDERWEAR! @Grufff brings the Norse, a team you don't see that often... yeah. AND THAT IS BECAUSE THEY ARE A GARBAGE TEAM, FOR SHODDY COACHES! Yeah! The Women with Attitude will not only defeat these topless goons, yeah, they will also knit sweaters to protect them from the cold weather BECAUSE THEY ARE EXCELLENT PEOPLE! ALSO: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE KING! Yeah! Hmm, it's one o' them “early promotions”, led by @razta! Yeah. After wave after wave of bashy teams, yeah, these Elves will make for a nice change of pace. The ladies will be sure not to hit too hard, yeah, or otherwise they might get blood on one of them fancy capes, yeah. NOBODY likes capes! Yeah! Get those things OUT OF HERE! Another one who thinks he's King? Yeah... . No. @King Kill talks the talk but can he WALK the WALK? Yeah! “Death will follow” is not nearly as good a catchphrase as “Oh, yeah”, yeah! And death WILL follow, but it will not follow for the Women with Attitude, yeah, it will follow for THE DISCIPLES OF DEATH! Yeah! And I suppose the Macho Man did save the best for last, yeah, because we've been looking forward to this one. THE FINAL MATCH OF ORCAMANIA, yeah, against the Greensuit from down-under himself, @Suido! Yeah! The Macho Man expects cheating and trickery from the Elves and backstabbing politics and abuse of Greensuit powers from their coach, yeah. BUT IT WILL NOT MATTER! Yeah! The gals have two Elf teams to get used to their slippery ways, yeah, and they will be prepared, rehearsed, primed and adjusted to bring down the Elf-menace ONCE AND FOR ALL! Yeah! So bring it on, Tier 4A... . The Macho Man dares you... yeah. As quickly as he appeared, the Ghost of Macho Man Randy Savage vanishes in to a puff of smoke. My pillow is still gone. This night sucks... .
  17. It's been a surprisingly rough Season when you look at the numbers... and that's weird because it definitely didn't feel that way while we were playing. No Admin losses, a couple of Draws and even a Win! We even got another Ogre-to-Ogre Pass! Perhaps a look at our players as individuals can shed some more light on how Season 9 went? *Booo~p* Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley Value: 280K Level 6 119/176 SPP Skills Acquired: Break Tackle, Block, Guard, Tackle, +AG. 6 MVP 53 Matches 1 Pass 1 Catch 5 Touchdowns 42 Casualties Inflicted 391 Blocks 4 Kills 1 Crowdsurfs 4 Casualties Sustained Coach's Notes: Ellen, my rock, my hard place. With only 11SPP gained this Season, you can't really say that it's been a great run. But even without hurting as many people as she usually does, Ellen provided great utility throughout all of the games. Block kept her on her feet, Tackle dealt with the dodgy fellas and the extra boost to Agility came in handy several times. Now that Lennifer has taken over as Ogre Ball-Carrier, Ellen is once again free to roam the pitch as she pleases and it's a big improvement for the team, in general. Over 60 Blocks and only 3 Casualties inflicted, but I'm confident that the high number of Blocks will pay off once Nuffle grants us a bit more luck on the injury rolls. It's very noticeable that Ellen has to do a lot less heavy lifting now that we have quite a few developed gals running around but still, none of them come close to Ellen's reliability. Keep on truckin', Ellen, you ARE a future Legend! Bichelle Omaha Value: 230K Level 5 63/76 SPP Skills Acquired: Piling On, +MV, Break Tackle, Juggernaut. 2 MVP 46 Matches 1 Touchdown 25 Casualties Inflicted 262 Blocks 6 Kills 6 Crowdsurfs 5 Casualties Sustained Coach's Notes: Piling On, over 60 Blocks, 1 Kill, 6 Casualties, 9 KO's and probably a lot of Stuns. I've been giving Bichelle a lot of priority when it comes to Blitzing, mainly because Juggernaut allows her to ram in to Block/Wrestle guys without being stuck on them afterwards and because Piling On does do a lot of damage. But much like Ellen, actual SPP-earning removals were rare this Season. And pretty much all of Bichelle's SPP comes from Casualties/Kills... so, yeah. I'm really looking forward for the doubles on her next level-up, though, so I can make her a Frenzy-Ogre. Dame Juicy Drenched Value: 220K Level 5 57/76 SPP Skills Acquired: Break Tackle, Piling On, Juggernaut, Stand Firm. Injuries Sustained: -1 MA. 3 MVP 48 Matches 21 Casualties Inflicted 241 Blocks 1 Kill 1 Crowdsurf 7 Casualties Sustained Coach's Notes: Oh, Dame Juicy, when will you learn? Season 9 saw the Sustained Casualties go from 4 to 7 and as far as I recall, Dame Juicy is the only Ogre who missed a game due to an injury. One Kill, one Crowdsurf and 2 Casualties inflicted net her 6SPP for the Season... that's pretty much half of what Ellen and Bichelle earned... . Again, I haven't found great use in Stand Firm but I'm 100% sure that it's simply because our girls tend to be spread out too much for it to work properly. Yes, Dame Juicy can hang around and hold up a few guys, but it's taking a toll on her health and I'm not sure about how much more punishment she can take. We'll see what Season 10 brings, but I really need Dame Juicy to pull up her socks and kick it in to gear, because her younger counterpart hasn't just caught up to her, she's surpassed her on almost every level. Amy Shawarma Value: 210K Level 4 48/51 SPP Skills Acquired: Break Tackle, Block, Guard. Injuries Sustained: -AV. 3 MVP 37 Matches 1 Catch 5 Touchdowns 9 Casualties Inflicted 198 Blocks 3 Kills 2 Crowdsurfs 6 Casualties Sustained Coach's Notes: Look who's still alive and kicking? Again, Amy has proven she's worth her pay as she continues to be another reliable Blocker and support-trooper. Multiple enemy Blitzers took shots at her because of her -AV but she only sustained 1 Casualty throughout the entire Season. Much like her sisters, it's been a bit of a slow-roll when it comes to earning SPP, but Amy's only 3 points away from another precious level-up. Perhaps another Tackle-Ogre is just on the horizon? Paris Killton Value: 210K Level 4 35/51 SPP Skills Acquired: Guard, Break Tackle, +MV. 0 MVP 53 Matches 3 Touchdowns 13 Casualties Inflicted 208 Blocks 3 Crowdsurfs 3 Casualties Sustained Coach's Notes: Back to the usual routine for Paris; unreliable Blocks and very little SPP to speak of. I feel like it's become some sort of achievement, Paris has been with us since the very beginning and she is so far behind all of the others. It's a good thing she got a little faster on the last level-up because that did come in handy a few times. As always, I don't have that much to say here, Paris gets in, provides Guard and that's pretty much it. I feel like my encouraging words haven't really had any impact so I won't even bother this time around... . Lennifer Jaw-Rends Value: 200K Level 3 22/31 SPP Skills Acquired: Break Tackle, +AG. 2 MVP 12 Matches 2 Casualties Inflicted 28 Blocks 1 Crowdsurf 1 Casualty Sustained Coach's Notes: Well, someone really didn't want to be on the Line of Scrimmage anymore, so she decided to become our Number One Ball-Carrier! Getting a secondary +AG Ogre on the roster definitely feels amazing and because it came so early in her career, Lennifer is on the way to become the fabled Passing-Ogre that Yarrick's always fantasising about. Again, few SPP's were earned during the Season, but considering that Lennifer spent most of her time running around with the Ball, I'd say that's not too bad for her. A Pass, a touchdown and 3 Casualties inflicted... not too shabby. I have high hopes for you, Lennifer! Sure Hands, Pass and Strong Arm are in your future! Team Overview We definitely lost quite a few of our valuable Gnoblars this Season. Kandarian Bootfook and Savage Compliment are no more, depriving us of the secondary +AG Gnoblar and our Dirty Player. On the plus-side, Kindness is still hanging around even though he's lacking even more armour than the average Gnoblar. We still have a Kicker and White Dragon remains our ace-in-the-hole. Overall, we have multiple Ogres close to levelling-up, same goes for a few of our more experienced Gnoblars. And who knows, with only 1 high-AV team in our Division for Season 10, we might have a glorious time ahead of us! ---------- ---------- ---------- Full gallery with all player cards can be found HERE!
  18. Friday 04/01/2019 - 20h00 UTC BAT LOSERS vs WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE TWITCH YOUTUBE
  19. Saturday 22/12/2018 - 19h30 UTC HAMSE PUITEN vs WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE TWITCH YOUTUBE
  20. Sunday 16/12/2018 - 20h00 UTC DUSKFELL WARDENS vs WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE TWITCH YOUTUBE
  21. Sunday 09/12/2018 - 11h00 UTC DRACHENFELS BEASTS vs WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE TWITCH YOUTUBE
  22. Monday 19/11/2018 - 18h00 UTC WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE vs COON AND FRIENDS TWITCH YOUTUBE
  23. Rescheduled because I suck at planning things. Tuesday 04/12/2018 - 20h00 UTC WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE vs TYRIA'S REJECTS TWITCH YOUTUBE
  24. Thursday 22/11/2018 - 20h15 UTC WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE vs FLAMBOYANT SWASHBUCKLERS TWITCH YOUTUBE
  25. TUESDAY 13/11/2018 - 20h00 UTC. ZARAGUZ UPRISERS VS WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE TWITCH YOUTUBE
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