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Orca Cola Championship


Orca Cola Directors
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    +10 (Apr-Sep) / +11 (Oct-Mar)

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  1. Hey, Nes, you can still come to the match, tickets and pupcorn are on me. I have a better record against minotaurs than elves, anyway.
  2. *steps over Dogbert's body* The honour to bring this to a climax on the field... I will not disappoint you. Erm. Was mentioning cold feet a joke about the lack of hair? If so, awesome. Apothecary!
  3. It may surprise you, but I was not always the hugely talented, gorgeous, heart-throb player you see before you today. Who's really really ridiculously good looking? This guy. My origins were not so glamorous. I grew up poor, but happy, on my parents' egg farm. You heard right. Egg farm, not chickens. We farmed any animal that lays eggs. So I know a little something something about this most vital of foodstuffs. Firstly, dat protein. These days you can't be a rock star or a superstar blood bowlers without hitting the gym and making gains. Pound for pound, chicken eggs have more total protein content than meat. Word. Fact number two. Been pranked by your housemate who hard boiled all your eggs? I know the feeling. Here's a neat trick to tell between a cooked and uncooked egg. Spin it like a record. If the insides are liquid, the egg won't spin well cos it's all sloshing around. If the insides are solid, it'll go like a fidget spinner. Bonus physics included in this fact. 3. You can tell what colour egg a chicken will lay by looking at the earlobes. Five. Echidna eggs are bloody hard to collect. The echidna will lay on its back, pop the egg out and immediately store it in its pouch. If you don't intercept the egg right then, give up. The echidna is one of two mammals that lay eggs, which is totally believable when you consider this is all happening in a world inhabited by dragons and shit. VI. Dragon eggs are even harder to collect, but the real problems start once you have them. Ain't no one shadier than a dragon egg dealer. [number Lennifer can count to]. The study of eggs is called oology. The study of the sound my fans make when I enter a room is oooooology. Finally, eggs make great protest props. Egging pompous gits is a time honoured tradition, most recently continued by a young man who egged a racist, fascist politician the day after he blamed a mass shooting of brown people on excessive immigration. It was fucking awesome. The boy was rescued from the far right thug supporters by the police, who subsequently released him without charge. Anyway. I am the eggman. Coo-coo-cachoo. See you on the pitch next week, Lennifer. Any chance I get, I'm gonna be hitting (on) you.
  4. I know a lot about eggs. More details to follow, after I have a nap.
  5. Study is piled high with as yet unpacked boxes. The struggle continues. So you're definitely not closest to the mark, but I'll give your coin back.
  6. I have now seen the intersection between furry and neck-down alopecia fetishes. Amazing.
  7. Oh hey y'all. I faked getting knocked out early in my match then switched a dummy into my place for the rest of the game. Big shout out to the boys for winning against the previously undefeated team without me. Anyway, I just rowed my boat into shore and I brought my dog, Moose. I would appreciate it if no one ate him. So I brought my fishing gear as well, but the only thing I really want to catch is Lennifer's eye.
  8. Lennifer can volley my gnob, anytime. See you on the sand.
  9. The correct number is 20! The prize pool will be split between @wismerhill and @brocCooLi Meanwhile, the rest of us can all boo and hiss at the orcs and lizards for their boring game.
  10. PS 11am deadlines on a Sunday morning are not a particularly strong incentive for me to be done earlier. However, I shall try.
  11. At first, I was all like, "Hell yeah, I'm a pro with the babes. This Tiny Ogre Babe is gonna get the time of its life." Then someone corrected my mistake, and I was all like, "Ooohhhh. Baby. Right. Different. Ok, cool. I can handle that, too. Sure." Tiny Baby Ogre likes Bloodbowl, so that made the planning easy. A Fan Experience pass to join the P’Elvic Thrust in their dugout for the game against the Tikal Heart Openers, followed by some post match fun. It was a delight to have Tiny Baby Ogre running amok in the middle of the usually boring pre-match drills, its helmet bobbing up and down as it chased balls at random. I put an old, crusty skink head on Tiny Baby Ogre’s helmet, and we practiced our tackle positioning against the tiny lizards with Tiny Baby Ogre playing the role with glee. We won the game, no doubt due to Tiny Baby Ogre’s vociferous barracking from the dugout, and were only mildly perturbed by the second half riot it initiated. So cute! After the game, I started the post match fun with some d’ogre-nuts and pupcorn from the snack stand and a quick chat about the game. Tiny Baby Ogre was waxing lyrical about Elvis’ one turn touchdown equaliser in the first half, but slowed, and then said, hesitantly, “Mister Lenny, you don’t seem very happy after a big 3-1 win. What’s the matter?” “You’re a perceptive Tiny one, aren’t you?” I replied. “Alright. I’m not doing my part like I used to. I don’t know what’s happened to me this season. I can’t help but think we could be top of the table if I were playing like I did last season. Where’s the magic gone, Tiny Baby Ogre? Where’s the magic?” Tiny Baby Ogre looked puzzled. “Didn’t you get a casualty today, Mister Lenny? That’s good, isn’t it?” “Yeah, but only one. Against a team full of skinks. Their dugout should have looked like a war zone after I was done with them. And it’s not just this game, it’s the entire season. I’ve made 52 hits, but only two casualties in five games. Before this season, I had 77 hits for eight casualties, plus a whole bunch of touchdowns, and I wasn’t as good as I am now. I was on the fast track to superstar, but the magic has gone. I don’t know what to do.” Tiny Baby Ogre looked up at me, and said, “Don’t worry Mister Lenny. You’ll find your mojo again. Maybe when you win the Bachelogrette! You’re my favourite, for sure. The rest of the contestants took me to amazing places and we did cool things, but you’re the only one who’s taken care to listen to what I have to say. What are you writing?” I looked down at Tiny Baby Ogre, and smiled. “Just taking notes so I can remember this day, and your company, forever. Thank you.” The rest of the day was a blur. Tiny Baby Ogre and I took in the sights and sounds of Ullamaliztli Stadium and the surrounding city. We had a blast, and I’ll remember that day fondly. Most of all, I’ll hold on to Tiny Baby Ogre’s advice on finding my mojo again. Who knows? Lennifer could be my mojo. I have to find out, and that means winning in love, even if I’m not personally winning on the pitch.
  12. Excuse me? Tiny Baby Ogre had an amazing playdate with Lenny. I just haven't written about it.
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