It may surprise you, but I was not always the hugely talented, gorgeous, heart-throb player you see before you today.
Who's really really ridiculously good looking? This guy.
My origins were not so glamorous. I grew up poor, but happy, on my parents' egg farm. You heard right. Egg farm, not chickens. We farmed any animal that lays eggs. So I know a little something something about this most vital of foodstuffs.
Firstly, dat protein. These days you can't be a rock star or a superstar blood bowlers without hitting the gym and making gains. Pound for pound, chicken eggs have more total protein content than meat. Word.
Fact number two. Been pranked by your housemate who hard boiled all your eggs? I know the feeling. Here's a neat trick to tell between a cooked and uncooked egg. Spin it like a record. If the insides are liquid, the egg won't spin well cos it's all sloshing around. If the insides are solid, it'll go like a fidget spinner. Bonus physics included in this fact.
3. You can tell what colour egg a chicken will lay by looking at the earlobes.
Five. Echidna eggs are bloody hard to collect. The echidna will lay on its back, pop the egg out and immediately store it in its pouch. If you don't intercept the egg right then, give up. The echidna is one of two mammals that lay eggs, which is totally believable when you consider this is all happening in a world inhabited by dragons and shit.
VI. Dragon eggs are even harder to collect, but the real problems start once you have them. Ain't no one shadier than a dragon egg dealer.
[number Lennifer can count to]. The study of eggs is called oology. The study of the sound my fans make when I enter a room is oooooology.
Finally, eggs make great protest props. Egging pompous gits is a time honoured tradition, most recently continued by a young man who egged a racist, fascist politician the day after he blamed a mass shooting of brown people on excessive immigration. It was fucking awesome. The boy was rescued from the far right thug supporters by the police, who subsequently released him without charge.
Anyway. I am the eggman. Coo-coo-cachoo. See you on the pitch next week, Lennifer. Any chance I get, I'm gonna be hitting (on) you.