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Orca Cola Championship

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  1. Season 10, Match Day 8: ...When Hell freezes over. Game result page HERE! DISCIPLES OF DEATH VS WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE You'd think that someone named @King Kill would be the worst coach you could possibly face, especially when he's playing Chaos. But it turns out that this man is just a big, cuddly fluffball underneath all that armour. The Women with Attitude were a little scared going in to this one for a few reasons... . The Disciples of Death bring a few giant-slayers to the table: Brute d'Bad, a Claw, Piling On, Jump Up Minotaur. Mean d'Machine, a Block, mighty Blow, Claw and Piling On Chaos Warrior. And they don't lack any ball-handling abilities either: King Kross, Dodge, +AG, Block, Two Heads, Stand Firm Chaos Warrior. Morker, +AG Chaos Warrior. Bullseye, +AG, Beastman. To top it off, the Inducements provided are a Wandering Apothecary, a Bribe and some Bloodweiser Babes. It looks like King Kill isn't too confident in his Warriors' ability to stay in one piece. The game starts off a little wonky as the girls choose to receive, since there's no Wizard, but the referee thinks we're better off kicking for some reason. Guess we'll deal with that, sure. The Disciples get to go first and here's where the lack of Guard comes in. Craznogors (Tackle, Mighty Blow, Jump Up Beastman) takes a stab at one of the Gnoblars and doesn't manage to take him down, so we Side Step one square to the left, preventing any assists on the Line of Scrimmage. To salt the wound a little more, Brute d'Bad fails his Wild Animal check and a reroll. Nuffle makes up for it a little with some good red dice, causing Dame Juicy Drenched and Paris Killton to take a dive but at the end of the turn, nobody got injured. The gals get a few hits in too, but most of our turn is spent trying to stand in the way of several Beastmen, making their way down town, walking fast, faces pass on the right flank. King Kill switches it up immediately and moves back towards the middle, attempting to juke around the Ogres but the Bone-Heads aren't showing so we're able to keep up. Thinking he's safe and sound, King Kross GFIs his way down the left flank, forgetting that Bichelle Omaha has all the tools to take him out. Bichelle Break Tackles right up against the Chaos Warrior and Juggernauts him off the pitch, causing the ball to be thrown in right in the middle of our side of the field. Most of our Ogres are tied up but we do manage to get 3 Gnoblars around the pigskin before the end of our turn. It's not enough, unfortunately, a Blitz and a hand-off later the Disciples get the ball to Craznogors and he runs it in for the first touchdown. Turn 4 ends, 1-0 for the Disciples. With 5 turns remaining, we field White Dragon and get ready to toss that sucker in for the equaliser by the end of the half. Amy Shawarma and Dame Juicy injure 2 Beastmen on the Line of Scrimmage, immediately cutting a big chunk out of the opposing team and forcing one of the Apothecaries to come out and save one goatman. Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley makes it a clean sweep, pounding the last victim in to the ground right before White Dragon secures the ball. Brute d'Bad Blitzes in to Bichelle and Piles On, not even breaking armour, forcing multiple Beastmen to surround to fallen Mino to prevent a foul. The gals shuffle to the left, hoping to get ahead thanks to the commitment on Bichelle. It turns out we underestimate Brute's commitment to Blitzing every turn, though, as he gets right up and rams in to Paris, Piling On to turn a K.O. in to a Stun. Terrified of King Kross' ability to dive in to any cage, we huddle up all the way on the left flank, moving forward ever so slowly. King Kill doesn't go for it and instead moves back on to his side of the field, forming a tiny screen of Chaos, with King Kross holding up the back field. By the time turn 8 rolls around, the Disciples are in full retreat, covering the left side of the pitch but leaving the right wide open and after a couple of failed attempts at putting the hurt on a few of the Disciples, Lennifer Jaw-Rends puts her Strong Arm to use and gets White Dragon far enough down field to score right before half-time. 1-1 at half time! The second half starts off pretty good seeing as we're now outnumbering the Disciples and it's once again our turn to receive. A Touchback also gets the ball right in to Lennifer's hands, removing any risk of a failed pick-up. We don't break as many bones as we did the last time, however and even our Blitz gets lost to a Bone-Head, but we got the ball and we're ready for our offence! King Kill doesn't waste any time and by the end of his turn, almost all of his players are based against ours. The girls fight hard and manage to pull back a little, keeping Lennifer safe. There's no getting away from King Kross, unfortunately, and the Warrior Blitzes in to Lennifer for the uphill block, but gets unlucky and goes down (+ in to +). History repeats itself as the ladies find another safe spot for the ball, followed by the uphill Blitz. This time, King Kross manages the takedown and stuns Lennifer in the process. A couple of GFIs later, he's got the ball in his dodgy hands. Have no fear, Ellen's here! Our Star Player Tackles the opposing Super Star to the ground and Hot Karl III catches the pigskin on the bounce, allowing us to build a sideline cage once more. King Kross doesn't go for a third attempt, instead, Brute d'Bad wastes the Blitz and a reroll while the rest of the team piles in once more. However, with multiple players committed to the mid-field, our sideline-cage has the chance to move up quite a bit as a few Gnobbies and Ogres stay back and hold up several players. Dame Juicy even manages to kill Urak (rookie Chaos Warrior) right after Ellen K.O.'s Craznogors, removing 2 more players from the field. The Disciples catch up quickly, downing Lennifer while they're at it so we feel forced to try and run for it. Since we've got several Ogres pretty far forward, the only real threat is King Kross. King Kill is still keen on getting Brute some SPP and he finally manages to cause a casualty on an Ogre. Amy goes down hard, but the Apothecary manages to save her from a Niggling Injury. Then comes the inevitable Blitz by the Two Heads-Warrior, who makes it without even breaking a sweat. Hot Karl III bites the dust 5 squares away from the opponent's end zone. We're not without any back-up, thankfully and White Dragon swoops in to grab the ball after Dame Juicy Juggernauts King Kross away from the oval. It all comes down to this. We manage to get Ellen next to the dodgy-man while we surround him with every player we have left, hindering his final Blitz for the ball-carrier as much as we can. Nuffle smiles upon us as the first dodge fails and Ellen prevents the reroll, causing an instant Turnover. White Dragon runs it in for the 1-2, securing our victory! ----- Not having any Guard on the team and the focus on the Minotaur is definitely what gave the ladies an edge in this one. Especially since Brute wasn't very good at actually causing Casualties. Still, King Kill was a lovely fellow and he was a lot of fun to play against and to talk to. So in honour of him, here's a compilation of every time Brute d'Bad used Piling On during our game!
  2. Episode 8 Addendum: From the bushes crept one of Nes' Servents. "I'm sssorry, massster. We have failed you! We thought to lock away the opposssition so you could win the competition for sssure!". The creepy crawler made his way to his master's feet, groveling before his Elven Lord. Nes, still recovering from being hit by a Goddamn Minotaur, felt betrayed. Not only did his Servents go behind his back, they actually thought he would lose a contest of any kind? PREPOSTEROUS! As the Elf Lord got back on his feet he realized that over the course of the competition, he may have gone a little soft. His confidence and natural High Elf cockiness had made way for sympathy, camaraderie and... fair play. How did he go from this: To this: In order to save face and cling on to whatever High Elf-pride he had left in his body, Nes kicked the Servent in the face and turned around to face Lennifer and the Handsome Coach. "I... yield." he coughed. "I am no longer worthy of this Ogress' love. I have gone from a stoic competitor to a bumbling fool. The shame of having my Servents step in without my knowledge has made me realize that my insides have gone smooth and soft, much like my fair, white skin. I will go back to training with my kin and I will become the grandest Catcher this land has ever know. And after I've grown older, more handsome and more experienced, then I will be worthy of a good woman's love. No... the BEST woman's love." Nes held his head high, turned back around and started walking away, sure that he would become the greatest player in all the land. On his way out, he slipped the backstage-pass in to Dogberts trunks. A token of kindness for a new friend. Lennifer waddled over to Dogbert and picked him up from off the ground. She carried the big lug inside, to recover from his imprisonment. "Looks like yer back in, big boy" she whispered in his ear, "See ya at the game!". It looks like @Fantus will be one of our finalists after all! @brocCooLi, give our regards to Nes and let him know that we wish him the best. It's probably better like this because having two Elves in the final would just be silly!
  3. It's a Lizardman Servant, also knows as a Serpent Servant, also known as a Servent.
  4. Now that there's fewer contestants, everyone has had a lot more time to spend with Lennifer, our Bachelogrette, getting to know her inside and out. We cannot legally air the inside parts, so here's a little of the outside. Nes seemed uncharacteristically nervous after hearing about this week's challenge. His agitated state was a far cry from his usual cocky demeanour. He told Lennifer about his youth and how he never had to develop any real skill since he could just throw money at any and all of his problems. He seemed almost scared, like he finally got caught and was forced to reveal who he truly was. Lennifer and Nes sat down together and after the Elf got done pouring out his heart, the Ogress held him in her arms for what seemed like an eternity. She told him that he was special and that he had talents. After all, he was the most experienced player on his entire team! It was a lovely TV moment, where the High Elf's outer crust was finally broken to reveal a more sympathetic character we all can relate to, even for a moment... . Nes wasn't lying about his lasagne though, it was pretty killer. Lenny also showed us a side of himself we hadn't seen before, but in a much stranger way than Nes did. It turns out this Elven Catcher knows a whole lot about eggs. He had egg stories coming out of his cloaca and entertained Lennifer for hours and hours with fun, little did-you-know's and egg-facts and it was surprisingly entertaining. Did you know that Echidnas laid eggs? I sure didn't! It was fun to see Lenny and Lennifer interact and bond over such a silly subject, it really made them look like an adorable couple. Dogbert was nowhere to be found... . The entire week went by and the Minotaur did not show his furry face the entire time. Did he get cold feet? Did he change his mind? Or has a more sinister fate befallen the horned Bachelor? Perhaps we will never know... . ----- The garden looks beautiful as always, but something feels a little different this time around. Lenny and Nes are sitting in front of the podium where Lennifer and the Handsome Coach are standing. There is no trace of the Ceremonial Table or the Elimination Rock. The Handsome Coach steps forth and speaks... . "Gentle-Elves, as you may notice, there's only two of you remaining. We have tried to find out where Dogbert is hiding but alas we have come up empty-handed. This means that Dogbert is automatically eliminated and the two of you are our finalists! Congratulations!" Several servant-Gnoblars clap enthusiastically, but Lennifer phones it in for the camera. She's obviously upset. How could the big, huggable Mino just disappear like that? As the noise dies down, the Handsome Coach speaks up once more; "Normally, we'd have @Fantus come in and share a few words, but since we have no clue where he is, we're going to skip that part. @brocCooLi and @Suido, there's no real challenge for you this week... . As it turns out, the Women with Attitude are playing P'Elvic Thrust for Match Day 9 and we're all heading out for the game. Nes, we have special back-stage passes for you, so you can join the WwA dug-out and support your lovable Bachelogrette from the comfort of a bench that's drenched in Ogre sweat! And I'm sure we'll hear from Lenny after the game is over,... if he survives, that is... ."
  5. "Sevuuuun!" Lennifer happily shouts as she hears Lenny's tale of egg-wisdom. "Wonder wat Dogbert's bringin'..." she ponders, eagerly awaiting @Fantus' arrival.
  6. Season 10, Match Day 7: One, two, three, four, let us go Bone-Head some more! Game result page HERE! WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE VS RAGSVED RUDEBOYS Ah, High Elves, the second Elf team that proves nearly unstoppable by Ogres. Not since we faced the DELFonics in Season 8 have we suffered a loss as terrible as this one. @razta's team of very Swedishly named fancy-men show up in the Women with Attitude's Fancy Rental and at first glance, there's nothing too dangerous about them, besides a couple of players: Barrington Levy: Dodge, +ST Blitzer. Syster Sol: Block, Dodge, Side Step Catcher. Dawn Penn: Dodge, Mighty Blow, +AG, Block Catcher. The Inducements are what we expected, a Wizard, 2 Bloodweiser Babes and Prince Moranion, who provides the only Tackle on the entire team. The gals hope to force the Wizard out ASAP and decide to Kick. It's a play we've been trying out and it's been a while since one of our opponents actually hired a Wizard. A very shallow kick gets the ball right on the Line of Scrimmage but at the end of the Rudeboys' turn, it's tucked away behind an Elf screen. The ladies' first turn isn't that special, we pull back a little to form a screen of our own, waiting for the Elves to make their move. After a bit of poking and prodding, Cleveland Steamer dies a brutal death and multiple Catchers swarm our backfield as the Elves descend on the left flank. Bichelle Omaha makes Congo Natty (rookie Blitzer) leave his earthly body behind, but at this point there's already very little we can do to stop the Rudeboys from scoring thanks to some unfortunate Bone-Heads. Turn 4 comes around, 0-1 for the Rudeboys. It's the Elves turn to kick-off and a High Kick allows our newest AG4 Gnobbie, Donkey Punch III, to grab the ball as it falls from the sky. With only 5 turns to go, we're hoping to protect him until there's a chance to toss his tiny behind forward. Our punches are ineffective, Tug of Love gets the boot in on General Levy (rookie Lineman) and removes him from play. The Rudeboys form another screen in between the Ogres on the Line of Scrimmage and Lennifer Jaw-Rends and her Gnoblar cohorts in the back, but we recover somewhat and get something that looks like a cage going with Donkey Punch III hidden away. That is, until fire rains from the sky, knocking down our ball-carrier and several of the ladies. The Elves have little trouble collecting the ball and by the time their turn is over only Amy Shawarma is left standing. Lennifer gets K.O.'d by Prince Moranion and (spoiler alert) she won't be waking up for the rest of the game. The girls try their best and get a few K.O.'s, but with 2 Bloodweiser Babes on the other side it's essentially pointless. The Rudeboys score again on turn 8, 0-2 for the High Elves. With their Kicker back on the field, a TTM play is impossible and multiple Bone-Heads later, our last turn before half-time ends with Paris Killton being taken down by a Lineman with Block. The second half has us fielding both +AG Gnoblars as we're down 4 players. Lennifer staying K.O.'d is a huge deal, as she would normally take over ball-carrying duties in this scenario. White Dragon recovers the pigskin and he has quite a bit of support nearby in the form of Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley and Paris. The Rudeboys don't go super-offensive right away, allowing Ellen to knock down Syster Sol so Full Nelson III can come in and boot his ass, netting us another permanent removal while White Dragon remains relatively safe. Our cage moves forward slowly as the gals knock out multiple fancymen, but we're quickly running out of time and Gnoblars... . With no way to fight ourselves out of the cage we made on the left flank, we attempt the TTM, and Ellen double Bone-Heads. We try and move White Dragon to safety, but there's no such thing as a safe space against Elves. Dawn Penn rolls by, dodges 4 or 5 times, takes down White Dragon and grabs the ball. Ellen and Amy surround the cocky Elf only to have him show off his dodging abilities once more. Turn 13 ends, 0-3 for the Rudeboys. With the 3 Elven K.O.'s all waking up again, the ladies have completely given up on the game at this point. All we can do is punch some Elves and hope to get some SPP by the time this travesty ends. Maybe get a lucky Touchdown while we're at it. The Kick is shallow, great for a TTM play, but a Perfect Defence ruins that idea real fast. With only 1 reroll remaining, our plan is to have one of the Gnobbies collect the pigskin so we can hand it off to Ellen, for safe keeping. Ellen has other plans, however and Bone-heads once more, forcing our hand. It's not long before Barrington Levy Blitzes Donkey Punch III down and the ball goes flying, right in to the hands of a random Lineman who actually catches it while standing next to 2 Ogres. The Rudeboys get the oval to safety, essentially securing a 4th Touchdown. Paris gets another good hit in for a little moral victory, but at the end of the day the game ends 0-4 for the Rudeboys. ----- A pretty devastating defeat. Not only because it was a 0-4, but also because we lost our Kick-Gnoblar and half of the injuries we caused were not worth any SPP, resulting in a very lackluster gain by the time the game was over. I felt like we tried our best, but Nuffle was definitely not on our side for this one. Several turns had 2 or 3 ladies going full Bone-Head and the double BH when it came time to throw our Gnoblar for an attempt at a Touchdown certainly did not help. I thought about it afterwards and figured that maybe we should have dedicated Ellen to be our ball-carrier after Lennifer got knocked out, but then we'd lose out on our only Tackle-piece. Ah well, you win some, you lose some. Good game to razta!
  7. *Lennifer stands around juggling Gnoblars, not realising that this is her actual hidden talent.*
  8. After arriving at the luscious Brionne Beaches, the crew and contestants could not wait to get out of the steaming hot Bachelor-Bus and in to the cool water. The sun was so bright and warm, it was unmistakably the work of a Wizard's Magic Dome. As the bus' doors opened, Lennifer and the Bachelors flooded out like water from a bursting dam. To avoid prying eyes, Nes had pretty much bought up the entire area, providing everyone with a kingly hotel room and enough food and chomp-ain to last a lifetime. Even though Lennifer had gotten completely wasted on the strange, bubbly beverage she'd never had before within the first 2 hours of the day, every day... good times were had by all. Well... almost. Nobody could look past Dogbert's bald, veiny body throughout the week. The Minotaur sacrificed a great deal of hair and nerve-endings to try and appeal to Lennifer. And we're not even going to mention the speedo, it was loud enough on its own. Whatever disappointment Lennifer first felt after she saw that the mean Mino had lost his fluffyness was quickly brushed aside when he explained what he went through in the hopes of impressing the Ogress. Dogbert's strange mix of shyness, inexperience and blood-fueled rage made him an interesting fellow and he was the only remaining contestant that had the strength to carry Lennifer in to the water, like he was carrying his bride over the threshold. Nes proved himself at home under the searing sun, throwing money and swagger around like nobody's business. He was surprisingly well-built for an Elf and his natural cocky attitude made him look more appealing with every passing moment. Even the other contestants seemed to gravitate towards him for tips and advice on how to properly tackle the competition. Even though the Production appreciates Nes' enormous wealth, it did seem like he wanted to be loved by everyone so much, that he kind of forgot about the actual competition. At first, Lennifer thought that Lenny had brought a seaside-snack but it later turned out to be his pet. After a couple of minutes of flexing in his wet t-shirt he was able to convince the Bachelogrette not to eat the pup and instead feast upon his unusually tanned Elven pectoral muscles instead. Bringing a boat was a nice idea, but it sank immediately once Lennifer tried to board. Ah, well, they both had a good laugh as they tussled around in the water before whipping out the fishing poles. They sat side by side, talking about life, love and Og-dor, ocean man, the crust of a tan man imbibed by the sand soaking up the thirst of the land until the sun went down. They never caught any fish. It was very hard to track down Hans, as he spent most of his time sneaking around the perimeter of the Magic Dome, shooting random passers-by in the kneecaps. The Beastmen did not seem to care much for the whole "swimsuit idea". He promised to make time for a romantic swim at some point but we weren't able to catch him on camera at all. The guy's REALLY good at doing stealthy things. After several hours of watching a Skaven in full plated armour flailing a whip at imaginary bad guys whilst shouting about the evil sand-people, the other contestants and crew had realised that Mr.Turner had gone completely insane. Sure, it was funny for the first few hours, but everyone just kind of grew worried about his mental health after that. Too much time spent too close to Warpstone is what we're guessing. ----- The week of fun in the sun came to an end far too quickly for most of our contestants, now gathered around a large table in the middle of a private beach. Lanterns hung high above their heads, shining a dim glow in to the dark blue sky. At the end of the table sits Lennifer, the Handsome Coach on her left and the tiny table with the ceremonial rock on her right. "It's that time again, gentle-people, welcome to the 7th Episode of the Bachelogrette." the Handsome Coach speaks as he slowly stands up. "All of you had a whole week to spend on the beach, performing beach-related activities in beach-related clothing. It seems Lennifer had a pretty good time, didn't you, Lennifer?" the Handsome Coach asks everyone's favourite Ogre as she nods enthusiastically. "But..." the Handsome Coach continues "... as is tradition, one of you must leave the show tonight. Lennifer, if you'd please do the honours." The Handsome Coach motions towards the ceremonial rock. Lennifer stands up, her beach-body blubbering around with every move she makes, like a wet sack of astrogranite. She grabs the rock in her chunky hand and flips it around a few times, staring at the remaining contestants, thinking about her choice. After several seconds of deliberation, she locks on to Mr.Turner and fastballs the rock towards his plate-covered skull. It hits the rat-man... hard. So hard in fact that the rock shatters in to two pieces upon impact. One of the pieces falls to the ground, but the second one turns out to be an unfortunate ricochet and smacks Hans in the side of the head. "Erm..." the Handsome Coach groans as everything goes silent. "... that's a... double elimination... ?" he says-asks as he turns his head to Lennifer. "... Sure?" the big gal nods as she kind-of-sort-of confirms. "It's been a fun ride for all of us, Hans and Mr.Turner, but it seems like the lack of swimsuits on your end has been your downfall." the Handsome Coach resumes the show. " @Sliceanddice and @Waleed, both of you may speak some words before returning home. You should be proud you made it this far! ..." "Now that the peasantry is gone there's only 3 contestants left to choose from! @brocCooLi, @Fantus and @Suido, all of you would make a great man for our Bachelogrette, we're sure of that. But is there anything else you're great at? Perhaps you've got some hidden talent you've never shown anyone before? Well, you better hope so! Because it's time to show off what you got this week! You're to reveal a hidden talent of yours in an attempt to 'wow' the Bachelogrette." "What's your hidden talent, Lennifer?" the Handsome Coach asks the cuddliest Ogre around. "I count to seven" she replies as she holds up both her hands and six fingers total. "Amazing!" the Handsome Coach quickly interjects as the camera cuts back to him right before the screen fades in to the sunset over the ocean... .
  9. Season 10, Match Day 6: Shirts and Skins. Game result page HERE! WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE VS STORMHEIM KINGS Tuesday evening comes around and I'm feeling like absolute garbage. I know there's a match in a few hours but I really need to lie down for a bit. We're playing at home, so I figure the locker room is as good a place as any and I decide to have a quick nap after I ask the girls to wake me up before the game starts. Time goes by and I find myself waking up to the sound of roaring fans, surrounded by 6 sleeping Ogres. Nuffle damn it all, we were supposed to start this game over an hour ago! Thankfully, @Grufff is nice enough to play the game over taking a default win and the sleeping beauties and I make our way to the pitch. The Stormheim Kings are a pretty well developed Norse team, sporting several great players. Hrungnir, Mighty Blow, Block, Guard and -MA Yhetee. Jan Egil Agnivaldr, Guard, Dodge, Side Step, +MA Runner. And both Ulfwereners come with Block, Guard and Mighty Blow. Continuing the theme of the Season, Grufff also decides against hiring a Wizard, instead opting for Boomer, a Bribe and some Bloodweiser Babes. Maybe he just likes alliteration? Since there's no Wizard, the Women with Attitude decide to receive first, hoping to break some of that AV7 early on. The Kings kick things off and a High Kick allows Lennifer Jaw-Rends to immediately take control of the pigskin. Amy Shawarma pulls a Lineman's beard off, removing him from the game but the rest of our turn is rather timid, with our Blitz being eaten by a Bone-Head. Lennifer stays back, hoping to dodge Boomer for as long as she can since there's no way we can reach him. Most of the Kings stay back while Øivind the Crazed (Mighty Blow Berserker) attempts to poke at a Gnoblar, supported by one Lineman and an Ulfwerener. Boomer makes his first throw and manages to K.O. one of the Gnobbies. Since there's only a few guys hanging around our ladies, we figure we take care of them first. Bichelle Omaha Blitzes in and K.O.'s a Lineman after Piling On to his tiny body. Dame Juicy Drenched only manages a Stun on Øivind, even after tossing all of her weight on to him. Multiple Ogres on the ground, but Lennifer is still safely tucked in the back. And then I learn that bombs actually hit downed players. Thankfully, nobody got injured, but this came as a surprise nonetheless, I never really play against Bombardiers that often. Grufff Blitzes in another Lineman to brutally murder Kitchen Sink VI and the rest of the Kings slowly make their way to the left side of the pitch now that Boomer has done his thing and there won't be any stray bombs hitting the Norse. The girls fortify their position as Dame Juicy takes down the Ulfwerener on our side of the pitch, setting up for a foul on him or the Berserker we took down before. Lennifer runs even further to the left flank, terrified of that damn Bombardier. But then, something magical happens... . As Boomer manages another inaccurate pass in to the troupe of Ogres, Quick Old Fashioned III not only catches the damn bomb, he flings it right back at some shirtless dudes and stuns both of them, causing a quick turnover. With only 5 Norsemen left standing on their feet, Lennifer feels confident in moving forward. Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley and Paris Killton provide some protection on the front while Dame Juicy and Bichelle stay back to take care of that Berserker and Ulfwerener should they ever get back on their feet. Hrungnir, the Yhetee has been hanging out in the Kings' back field, acting like a Wild Animal but now we're bringing the fight to him. Paris recovers from a bomb to the face and brings in the Guard so Ellen can do what she does best. Grufff quickly calls in the Apothecary to make sure his Big Guy has a chance to return for the next down. The gals also manage to put a little pressure on Boomer as Amy moves in, marking that damned Bombardier after 4 turns of free throws. Even with Amy breathing down his neck, Boomer still manages to set Ellen's feet on fire so Amy knocks him down for good measure. Lennifer keeps wobbling forward, ever so close to the opposing end zone and we offer a Gnoblar Sacrifice to the only defender close enough to reach her, a lone Ulfwerener. That's when Grufff reveals his secret weapon; some amazing uphill Blocks. Inge Haraldsson (Mighty Blow, Piling On Berserker) Jumps Up and Blocks Paris. + shoves her back and another + creates a pretty big hole for some Norse to run through. One of the Linemen tries his luck against Dame Juicy, + , taking her down. Anleifr Pétmárr (Block, Mighty Blow, Guard Ulfwerener) doesn't care about our Gnoblar Sacrifice and dodges away. Now that one of the Linemen has made it through the big gap created by the uphill Blocks, the Ulf has a shot at Lennifer and he easily takes her down, marking the ball together with his supporting Lineman. To salt the wound some more, Hular Úlfhedinn (Block, Mighty Blow, Guard Ulfwerener), the Ulf that's stuck in the back uphill Blocks Bichelle and K.O.'s her. What a friggin' turn for the Kings... . Lennifer gets back on her feet and attempts to remove one of the players next to the ball, but she doesn't break the AV7. Even worse, Amy Bone-Heads, freeing up Boomer once more. With the clock ticking, more and more Norse are making their way to the back, slowly crushing the ladies' chances at scoring this half. Unable to take down all of the Kings surrounding the ball, Donkey Punch III is our only shot at a touchdown and he heroically makes the pick-up, dodge and scores on Turn 8. 1-0 for the Women with Attitude. As the Kings prepare for a turn of punching and fouling before half-time kicks in, the Ref calls out Boomer and Grufff decides not to use his Bribe, which I found a bit strange seeing as the Dwarf put in a ton of work. The Kings set up for a OTT with Jan Egil Agnivaldr but the Yhetee isn't feeling it and just stands there, roaring a little. A few Blocks and a foul later, everyone comes out unscathed and the half ends. One Norseman injured, one K.O. And Boomer sent off leaves the Kings with just enough players to field a full squad. On the gals' side, Bichelle awakens from her slumber so we're back to 6 Ogres. Yay! The ladies kick the ball and suddenly the pitch is overwhelmed with radical #MeToo-Supporters, angered at the violence these Norse have been putting out on the poor and defenceless Women with Attitude. Grufff manages to recover admirably, pulling all of his players to the back as one of the Berserkers recovers the ball. However, Hrungnir is left stunned and alone in the centre of the pitch. We do what any sane person would do in this situation, we move every player we have forward and gang-foul the snot out of that Yhetee! This time, there's no Apothecary to save him. The Kings play a very defensive game, poking us here and there, waiting for the right opportunity. The gals stick around the centre of the pitch, trying to keep a nice spread of Ogres and Gnoblars so we can respond wherever the Kings decide to move. After committing an Ulf and failing to take down Paris on the left side of the pitch, the Kings swoop in. The Berserker tries to hand-off the ball to Borr Vigdis (Dodge, Sure Hands, Side Step Runner) but fails to do so. No matter, the Norse are tucked away behind a wall of Linemen. We do our best and move ahead, forming something that closely resembles a wall, but there's a tiny gap on the left side of the pitch and it's immediately taken advantage of by the Kings. After Blitzing aside the lone Gnoblar defender, another hand-off gets the ball in to the hands of Jan Egil Agnivaldr. Jan dodges past Amy and makes a couple of GFI's, finding himself all alone in the girls' back field. With a little bit of luck on our side and Ellen's amazing bulk, we take down the potato-man and get the K.O., ruining any chance of recovery by the Kings any time soon since the rest of the team is stuck around the Line of Scrimmage. We send Tug of Love towards the Kings' end zone, forcing one of the Linemen to stay back as Grufff's 7 remaining players attempt to keep their offence going. A Bribe still in hand, the Norse gang-foul Dame Juicy and knock her out, setting up for another round of punishment on Paris the following turn. Thankfully, Paris skill-fully dodges out of the group of shirtless men only to fail to 2+ Break Tackle away afterwards. It's a good thing Lennifer recovered the ball in our back field before this happened. Our plan is simple, keep Lennifer safe and sound and try to Strong Arm the ball down the pitch if we can. A couple of turns and one dead Norseman later, we're forced to pull way back. Several Bone-Heads keep Paris and Bichelle out of the game and Ellen is the only one remaining to keep Lennifer protected. Borr Vigdis comes in, dodging through Gnoblars like a madman and uphill Blitzes Lennifer to the ground, stunning her. Luckilly for us, he does not have the MA left to perform some insane recovery-play followed by a touchdown. With Lennifer stunned, it's up to Ellen to try and Long Bomb the ball towards Tug of Love, who's still hanging out in the opposing end zone. Unfortunately, after grabbing the pigskin and dodging to safety, Ellen is simply too far away to make anything happen. At least she got a nice little vanity pass to Amy in before the final whistle and the game ends 1-0 for the Women with Attitude! ----- I cannot stress enough that I'm very thankful to Grufff for playing the game instead of taking the Default Win. Not only because we ended up grabbing the W in the end, but because we hardly ever get to play Norse to begin with. It was a fun game with a couple of insane turns on both sides. Every time things seemed locked in and certain, some stroke of fate would screw up any plan and immediately initiate an all-out brawl. Good game to Grufff!
  10. Lennifer is currently beating up forum administrators because we cannot upvote this post more than once.
  11. After a long and arduous journey back to the fancy mansion, the contestants are welcomed back to the luxurious palace and the luscious garden surrounding it. The relaxing scenery and soothing music is appreciated even more so after spending a whole week trying to keep a tiny, baby Ogre entertained. The double elimination last week has brought us down to only 6 remaining bachelors, all gathered around the podium once more... awaiting the arrival of Lennifer and the Handsome Coach. Sloppy footsteps and childish banter can be heard in the distance and as the sound draws closer and closer, Lennifer walks on to the stage, holding hands with the tiny, baby Ogre. "Go on now, you tells 'em" Lennifer mutters as she gives the tiny, baby Ogre a little nudge forward. The little grunt takes another step and finds himself facing all of the contestants he got to know over the course of the week. He waves his little hand around a bit and grabs a slab of leather from the back of his trunks. As he unfolds it, the contestants can see that tiny, baby Ogre has prepared some sort of speech. Tiny, baby Ogre clears his tiny, baby throat with an adorable gurgle and speaks; "I thank you all, for all your time, the places that you brought me to. And so I wrote a little rhyme, a tiny, baby ode to all of you." Tiny, baby Ogre suddenly stops, looking quite distracted. "Who's that?" he asks as he points his chubby finger at Hench-Gobbo #3. "Dat Gobbo, he bachelor." Lennifer eloquently replies. "But he didn't take me nowhere. I've never seen the likes of him, not here nor there." "WAT?" Lennifer shouts "But that was deal, he take you out, you 'ave fun and tell me who make nice the best!". Tiny, baby Ogre replies "I wish I could tell you what he's all about, but I cannot do that, he did not take me out. I've never seen that Goblin before. A stranger he is, of that I am sure." Lennifer's giant hand reaches for the table that's carrying the ceremonial rock,... but she hesitates. She pulls her throwing arm back and quickly steps forward, right up to Hench-Gobbo #3. As she bends down and stares the small creature right in his eyes, she softly says; "You make nice for weeks, and now you not bother? You not earn rock to head... you make me feel... dispropointman." Hench-Gobbo #3 turns around and starts walking away, ashamed that he forced an Ogre to try and use a big word to describe her feelings. Lennifer turns around and walks back on stage. "Now that over with. TIME FOR GUD PART! This week is swim suit competishun!" Lennifer screams in an ecstatic tone as the thought of seeing all of her bachelors semi-nude fills her head and completely erases any memory of the disappointment she felt several seconds before. "We go to Bretons beach, play some volley-Gnob and 'ave fun in the sun! Haha!". Lennifer claps her hands, like a small child excited to go on a trip and then abruptly realises that there's still an actual child standing on the podium next to her. "Come little one, time for bed" she says as she grabs tiny, baby Ogre by the arm and escorts him off the stage. Before they reach the big house, Lennifer softly asks tiny, baby Ogre who his favourite babysitter was. "Nes was fun, for an Elf anyway. He put me on the pitch and he let me play. Hans was very stoic, a proud Beastman, he showed me to Pile On as hard as I can! Dogbert's a bit older and grizzly indeed, but he made me a saddle and then turned Boof in to a steed. Lenny's like me, he much likes to rhyme. He will find his mojo, all in good time. Mr.Turner may be squishy and no alpha-male, but he's very clever and got me a Prehensile Tail. But who was the best, is for you to decide. After all, it is you who will be the winner's bride... ." Having understood only half of those fancy words, Lennifer giggles at the tiny, baby Ogre's odd way of speaking. "Fancy fella..." she mutters under her breath. As the door closes behind them and the screen fades to black... . Contestants! It is time for the mandatory swimsuit edition of The Bachelogrette. Grab your shiniest trunks and sunscreen and get ready to find sand in every crack, because we're taking you to to the Brionne Beaches... because the hotels are cheaper there! @brocCooLi, @Fantus, @Waleed, @Sliceanddice, @Suido, better start packing! @Borke, even though Hench-Gobbo #3 was forced to walk away with great shame, you are still allowed a few parting words. Not too many though.
  12. Good to see tiny, baby Ogre back safe and sound @Sliceanddice. Episode 6 will go up tomorrow evening, so @Borke still has some time if he wants to jump in.
  13. Season 10, Match Day 5: Brawling in the Wind. Game result page HERE! WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE VS D'ORCS 2.0 After the horrible failure that was D'Orcs 1.0, @DakaMan brings his second rendition of the green menace to the pitch to face down the Women with Attitude. We were already worried about this match-up and after the Inducement Phase, our dread grew even more. DakaMan follows the wise teachings of John Hammond and he “spares no expense”. Both Ripper and Ugroth join the D'Orcs for this game and then their coach spends all of his savings on a Bribe. The only upside to this is that there will be no Wizard to zap Lennifer Jaw-Rends in the face. Aside from the Induced Stars, the D'Orcs also bring a few interesting goons of their own to the table: Sheldon Cooper, a Thrower with Accurate, Block, +AG and +ST. Will Wheaton, the extraordinary Mighty Blow, Piling On, Jump Up Lineman. Dr. Zachery Smith, a Block, +AG Lineman. Comic Book Guy, a Black Orc with +ST and Block. The rest of the team is on the lighter side, but quite evenly developed apart from Adam Savage, Dr. Stephen Hawking and Chris Hardwick, all Blitzers with Mighty blow, Tackle and Guard. The D'Orcs win the toss and choose to receive, stealing the ladies' usual game-plan of “hitting them before they can hit you”. Our gals set-up and with both Ripper and Ugroth on the pitch, we prepare for the worst... . A Riot straight from the get-go shaves a turn off of Ugroth's presence for this half so the Chainsaw-wielding Star gets right to it and Badly Hurt's Dame Juicy Drenched. Looks like this'll be another game where the ladies are down to 5 big gals right at the start. It's becoming somewhat of a theme. The girls Break Tackle away from trouble and Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley Knocks Out Dr. Zachery Smith, ending our turn in a very defensive position. The D'Orcs do what most teams do in this situation and they “pop-a-Gnob” while the rest of the squad moves forward. The greenskins are leaning a little towards the left flank, but 2 Blitzers have made their way down the right. Luckily for us, we have Amy Shawarma and Lennifer in place to keep those guys busy while everyone else tries to hold the fort. On Turn 4, Ugroth comes in again and saws Paris Killton's gut-plate in half. Just a Knock Out, sure, but it still hurts. Thankfully, Adam Savage makes an incompetent Dodge away from Amy and shoves his own boot up his ass while doing so, severely injuring the Blitzer (MNG). It seems that for every Ogre removed from the pitch, an Orc must follow suit. The D'Orcs are now pushing the left flank hard and with Lennifer Bone-heading across the pitch, it's up to Ellen and Bichelle Omaha to slow them down. Thanks to a lacklustre turn without removals, we are granted a shot at the ball carrier, Sheldon. With Kindness marking a giant Black Orc, Bichelle Break Tackles in to the fray and heroically takes the troublesome Thrower down! Quick Old Fashioned III even manages to catch the ball on the bounce! But Nuffle decides this isn't our time and "the little Gnoblar that could" fails his Dodge and his re-rolled Dodge, knocking him out for his troubles. With Ogres scattered around the pitch and our Gnoblars dwindling in number far too quickly, this half looks to be pretty much a done deal. Cleaveland Steamer, our Kick-Gnob, eats an MNG, Kindness dies for providing Bichelle with a shot at the ball the turn before and the D'Orcs recover the pigskin using their last re-roll. Ellen gets another stab at taking down Sheldon, but it results in a Push. Meanwhile, Amy knocks down Ugroth, but doesn't manage to hurt him. The last 4 remaining girls get corralled to the right side of the pitch while Sheldon makes his way towards tour end zone and scores. 0-1 for the D'Orcs. We set up on our Turn 8, ready to TTM ourselves to a draw, but a Blitz! ruins that idea. The 1 lone Lineman we leave unattended simply moves in and actually catches the ball while standing right next to Ellen. Amy Bone-Heads on the Blitz, but Ellen manages to take the rogue Lineman down. Unfortunately, the ball scatters too far forward to make any TTM happen so we go with the next best thing, showing off Lennifer's amazing passing skills! The half ends 0-1 for the D'Orcs. After half-time, it's the ladies' turn to start off the brawling! All the K.O.'d players from both teams rejoin the fight and here we find out that Nuffle favours whoever goes first. Bichelle blocks Ray Palmer (Block, Mighty Blow BoB) and Stuns him. Amy takes her shot at Ripper and also leaves him Stunned. Paris steps it up a notch and Knocks Out Lisa Simpson (rookie BoB) with Ellen following suit, Knocking Out Ugroth. If all of that wasn't good enough, White Dragon secures the ball and safely hides behind a wall of Ogres. Befuddled by this amazing turn, DakaMan's Orcs scramble forward just a little and remove 1 Gnobbie from the pitch. Insulted by the lack of ferocity on our opponents' end, Bichelle demonstrates her Piling On-abilities and flat out kills Dr. Stephen Hawking. The Apothecary steps in, but too many pieces of the Orc are no longer attached to his body and death is inevitable. The ladies secure the right flank and several brave Gnoblars mark the players who were previously Stunned, to keep them in place for another turn. The D'Orcs move in with everything they've got, causing no damage, but threatening the safety of White Dragon. Our ladies have no intention of stalling for very long, since we'd rather play to win than play to draw so we abuse the enemy's large open back field straight away. Lennifer comes in, grabs White Dragon by his little rags and tosses him all the way over to the left flank. The Gnobbie lands safely and moves forward, guaranteed to score next turn. Fuelled by rage, a Black Orc kills Backhand IV as his fellow teammates scoot back to their end-zone to threaten White Dragon, should he dare to stall. No shenanigans! White Dragon goes in for the Touchdown on Turn 12. 1-1 (for the Women with Attitude!) As the players prepare to set up a third time, all K.O.'s wake up again and Ugroth is removed from play for being such a nasty cheat. The Women with Attitude have only 8 players remaining while the D'Orcs can still field a full team. Our Cheering Fans provide a little bit of help but these last few turns are not going to be easy. Our main concern is Dr. Zachery Smith, that AG4 Orc needs to be marked at all times and taken down whenever possible. However, Sheldon moves forward with the pigskin in his hands early on and the gals figure they can threaten him too. Bichelle is unable to create a hole big enough for Ellen to fit through, so Ellen marks the receiver instead. Lennifer on the other hand smacks around Bill Nye (Guard Blitzer) and Stuns him, giving Paris enough room to wiggle her big booty forward, right next to Sheldon. Sheldon manages to dodge away on his turn, but the rest of his team is way too far forward to provide him with any additional protection. It all comes down to Paris... . She Break Tackles away, reaches Sheldon easily and then + re-rolled in to +. Failure, devastating failure. Sheldon is able to join up with a few Orcs and Paris is essentially out of the game, having downed herself so far down the pitch. Lennifer and Ellen are the only ones left capable of putting up a fight, the other girls are either too far away, marked or downed. Again, DakaMan shows he isn't scared and moves right up. Taunting us to take a shot at Sheldon, using his last re-roll to mark Ellen. We accept this generous offer; take down Ray Palmer, Blitz down Sheldon and mark the ball with Lennifer. Now it comes down to this. The D'Orcs have to move Lennifer away from the ball with a Blitz, pick up the ball and pass it to Dr. Zachery Smith, who was left alone last turn and is free to run the oval in, should he catch it. Without any re-rolls remaining. Everything works perfectly, there is no plot-twist. The game ends 1-2 for the D'Orcs 2.0. ----- A rough game, but a fun game. I feel like we got boned by dice a few times when it really mattered but that's Blood Bowl for you. A draw would've been amazing, especially after such a devastating first half and I feel like we might have been able to achieve it if I had marked all 3 Linemen on our Turn 8, playing around the Blitz OR if DakaMan got unlucky and rolled a 1 somewhere in his last turn. Overall, I think we played well. We do lose Leader with Kindness' passing, but we also cut our TV by about 60k. Good game to DakaMan. As always, I cannot be mad at someone who chooses Star Players over a Wizard. The dead Blitzer is obviously punishment by Nuffle for using his entire Treasury on a Bribe!
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