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Orca Cola Championship

Fantus

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  1. Cheers guys, and thanks C2MC, was a great bit of fun and some awesome reads along the way! I am actually re rolling to chorfs this season (I have no shame!) and having a Minotaur called Dogbert because of this comp!! But rest assured @Sliceanddice I will give him the two weeks of the off season to enjoy some quality time with Lennifer...
  2. Dogbert sat in the box which Nes had paid for. There was some peasants walking around with bigs trays of meat and tankards of beer. Real beer! No sewer water added to it or anything! Dogbert wasn't sure how long it would be available so he tried to stuff as much in his face as possible before it was gone! The familiar sound of the goblin whistle went and Dogbert moved to the front oft he box to watch the match. The beautiful Lennifer was there, her gut plate shining and only covering the bottom of her giant belly. A large stain on her top which looked like halfling hot. A few stray chin hairs dancing in the wind. She was stunning. Dogbert roared with excitement as the very first action saw one Lennifers ogre team mates brutally kill an elf! Dogbert loved a good elf beating! Then somehow the elves knocked poor Dame Juicy Drench out! An elf! It was a little confusing for Dogbert, thats not whats supposed to happen. The elves surrounded the ogres, but Lennifer strode forward, ball in hand and threw it down the pitch to the waiting snotling.... But obviously the snotling was stupid and was stood in the wrong place. Completely the snotlings fault, definitely not his beloved's! Of course, the elfs did the girly dancing and threw the ball back to their players and scored. Dogbert joined the crowd - BOOOOOO!!!!!! The match got underway and Lennifer had spotted the minotaur waving at her. Clearly wanting to impress hims, she picked up the snotling holding the ball and threw him as far as she could. It was glorious!! The snotling had no idea what was happening, but somehow managed to land and run in to even the score! Dogbert was charging around the box hooting and cheering! The staff were getting more and more anxious! The match got back underway, and the elves started dancing around again. The ogres tried to hit them, but they were like dust in the wind. And just before half time they scored to take the lead. Dogbert saw Lenny laughing as he went in. This made Dogbert very angry. Lenny shouldn't laugh. The second half started and Lenny came out still laughing with his team mates. Dogbert saw red and charged on to the pitch, knocking Lenny over. The crowd saw this and joined in and there was a full on pitch invasion leaving players on both sides on the ground! Dogbert knew he was not allowed to permanently hurt Lenny, it was against the TV show rules, but he was glad he had been able to give him a quick smack! Unfortunately, the pitch invasion did little to help the ogres and it was not long until the elves scored again. The ogres were looking down and out. And it was no surprise the elves quickly scored again and was 4:1 up with time running out. Lenny continued to laugh with his team mates, and clearly Lennifer had seen this. As the match got back underway, the snotling that had the ball was picked up by Lennifer and thrown at Lenny's head. Unfortunately the snotling missed and crashed face first in to the dirt and ball landed in Lenny's outstretched hand. Lenny considered being a gentleman, but his inner elf took over, and with his friends ran up the pitch and scored. The final nail in the coffin. 5:1. Dogbert had to admit, the elfs did dance very good, and Lenny was a hell of a player!! Lennifer spotted Dogbert and saw that despite watching the match he was waving and smiling at her like they had won. "You were amazing" shouted the minotaur. "That was the best snotling throwing I have ever seen" beamed Dogbert. Lennifer only had time to smile in return as she was ushered in to the dressing room by her coach. Dogbert was happy with that. A smile from Lennifer was better than any stupid bloodbowl match! @Suido and @brocCooLi it has been a pleasure writing with you guys, may the best Minotaur win!
  3. Dogbert watched Nes turn to start to walk away. The giant minotaur charges towards him again. A flicker of fear crosses the elf's perfect complexion, then he feels himself being lifted up in a giant hug while Dogbert starts laughing. "Nes and Dogbert will be friends forever!" Dogbert was practically swinging the high elf around, immune to the winces as the elf's battered body is still aching from being slammed.
  4. First there was a shriek in the distance. Followed by more gasps and then screams. The crashing sound was all around the studio and a torrent of people were running past Lennifer and the two remaining contestants. The camera's were all still on, and the shows editor saw a bloodied and bruised Dogbert charging forward. He quickly ordered the crew to start filming. You can't buy a good mauling that is live on TV! Dogbert's face was full of fury. His head was down and horns up as he charged towards Lennifer, Nes and Lenny. The ground shook. Lennifer braced herself as the appeared to be charging straight in to his beloved.... But at the last minute he turned and slammed full strength in to Nes. The elfs body flew across the studio and Dogbert roared in satisfaction! "Lennifer!! That skinny elf thing had me locked inside his basement!!" Dogbert glared over at the limp form of the elf. "He invited me round for a talk, then gave me some drink, and then I wakes up in a cage under his house!" "I had to wait until tonight when the guards were watching the show to escape, they were all clapping at him getting to the final when I ripped off the door and skewed them all!" The numbers of wounds and cuts on Dogbert gave testimony it had not been an easy battle to escape. "I only wanted to show you my special talent" The minotaur pulled out a small severely cracked set of drums which had clearly not survived the last week. And with that, Dogbert slid to the floor from exhaustion.
  5. Dogbert wasn't sure him and swimsuits would mix well! So foolishly, he decided to ask a fellow contestant for advice. Of course, not sure who he could trust, he approach Nes, surely a high elf would know what women want and how to dress? He always looked like he knew what women wanted! Nes was only too pleased to give some advice, with a sly smile as he did. "You see Dogbert, these days women like pretty boys. They want men who moisturise and get every inch of their bodies waxed! Get yourself to my local spa, I will even arrange your treatment!! Then all you need to do is stand on the beach and flex your muscles!" Dogbert was very grateful, and soon found himself outside the 4 story, 7 acre luxury spa. And True to his word, Nes had arranged it all. It is fair to say Dogbert did struggle with the whole experience. He had rolled around in mud before and had people trample on him, but he had never paid good money in order to do so!! This must be how the other half live, money seems to make people do silly things. But then came the waxing. The spa brought in a team of 8 to try and manage it, and three vats of hot wax. OOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!! GGGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! FFFFFFFFFKKKKKKK!!!!! Never had he felt pain like it! He almost felt sorry for the three technicians he had knocked out before they decided to chain him down while they finished. Every hair below the neckline was gone. EVERY. HAIR. His nipples stung and he did not dare sit down! But its crazy what a minotaur will do for the love of a good woman! Nes had even gone to the trouble of leaving him some suitably multi-coloured swimming pants. They did not leave a great deal to the imagination! So Dogbert walked down to the beach, in his too small pants and hairless flesh and flexed as hard as he could!! Fingers crossed Lennifer would like what she saw!
  6. Dogbert sat down with a massive groan and sigh. He had just handed the tiny ogre back, and he was shattered!! How the hell did it have so much energy?!? It's not natural! But despite most of his body aching from crawling around and bending over all day, Dogbert had quite enjoyed himself!The day had started with Gnoblar Bowling. Tiny ogre had quickly gotten the hang of rolling the giant iron ball down the aisle in to the gnoblars who all had a foot nailed to the ground! Dogbert had even managed to show him his old party trick of throwing the ball from his horns, crushing a whole group of them for the perfect strike!After Bowling, Dogbert took tiny ogre swamp swimming! Not many things are more fun than swimming in mud while wrestling any skinks they found lurking in the shrubs! They did happen upon a particularly large Krox, sleeping in the mid morning sun, but Dogbert wisely redirected tiny ogre before he smacked it on the head with a large stick he had found.Tiny ogre had worked up quite the appetite with all this, and Dogbert treated him to a squig burger (reduced salt, obviously) and some 'Eye Scream' desert.After lunch came the jousting. Dogbert had arranged for Boof, the rescued direwolf, to have a small saddle attached. It had taken a lot of coaxing and a few bites and scratches, but eventually it was on. Tiny ogre, along with a 5ft piece of sharp steel was soon charging around on his new faithful steed, stabbing half of the local town in the ass! Fortunately with Dogbert following in his wake, not many decided to complain too loudly.Of course some of the more gentle people may suggest strapping a baby to a frenzied giant wolf and arming him with a deadly weapon is not 'safe parenting'. But then you could equally argue that asking a Minotaur to babysit is perhaps not the gold standard!And to end the day, Dogbert helped tiny ogre make his very first gut plate. A quick trip to the local junkyard was and a few copper pieces game them access to whatever was lying around. Using an old wooden dish as a base, and nailing on lots of bits of metal and wood they found, they soon had an oversized gut plate fit for a king (a very poor and small king!). Regardless of its sorry state, tiny ogre seemed to be very happy with it, and Dogbert felt a moment of pride when he watched him put it on.And then the day was done, tiny ogre was collected by the handsome presenter and Dogbert sat down for what felt like the first time all day.The Minotaur opened a bottle of cheap beer and relaxed. Dogbert decided he liked kids, but he also liked handing em back!
  7. To call someone Frostfoot is amongst the greatest honours there are in Ogre Folklore. The ogre kingdom does not fear much. But what it does fear is the void and indescribable terror that is Chaos. But when the evil of chaos appears, the camps huddle round and remember the tale of F'Urdan Frostfoot. The great F'Urdan was not only one of the bravest and mightiest ogres of the Mountain clans, he was also one of the smartest. His village had been destroyed when he was young and his family slaughtered. He had been forced to join local militia as hired muscle. But he had made a solemn vow to learn the ways of war and come back to his mountain people and ensure they are never defeated again. For years F'Urdan fought in every conflict he could. He learnt warfare from every race and general he could find. Tactics did not come quickly, but eventually he learnt that strength was important in beating an opponent in a one on one, but knowing the land and terrain won battles, and winning key battles won wars. After serving his time, F'Urdan returned to his people and was quickly recognised as a natural leader. Within a few seasons he was accepted as a camp elder and given his own clan to lead. Life was good. But life never stays good for long. After only a few years, in one of the worse winters the mountain ogres could remember, the demon of chaos appeared. At first it was some missing livestock, then the odd shepherd. But soon it was clear there was something greater afoot out int he snowy blizzards. The first sighting of the bloodthirster was in the dawn sun, as he ripped apart a few ogres on sentry duty. The speed and power of the creatures attacks was overwhelming and the mountain ogres fled in every direction. The few elders across the mountain range called a moot, and F'Urdan attended. The ogres were at a loss. There greatest warriors were nothing to a monster like this. F'Urdan stepped forward. He would fight the beast. The villages all fled deeper and deeper in to the mountain range. Only F'Urdan remained. He stood a the bottom of where two of the biggest mountains met, a ginat valley surround by the peaks. He called out, day and night. 'FIGHT ME!!" Over and over. The words echoing across the range. And it had the desired effect. The bloodthirster, lacking any other prey, was drawn to the noise. And so the two cobatants were drawn together. The fight was never a fair one. The demon was bigger, stronger and faster. The death of F'Urdan was inevitable. But F'Urdan was not scared of death, and being reunited with his family. And as the Demon approached, the giant ogre took the cloth from his right foot, and revealed the large metal plate attached to it. F'Urdan and his giant metal plated foot stomped on the ground and the large metal shield hidden underneath him. CLANG The noise echoed loud. CLANG Each stomp seemed louder and harsher CLANG the earth began to shake. The bloodthirster was unsure, but decided the best option was to attack. It charged forward, ignoring the every louder clangs and echo's. The battle was slow. F'Urdan did not attack, just kept defending himself, stalling for time. The Demon kept going, oblivious to its surroundings. Eventually the demon broke through, and its claws bit deep in to F'Urdan's belly. The giant ogre looked the creature in the eyes and smiled, for he could hear the inevitable. The demon heard it too now. The sound of the snow crashing down around them. The sight of tonnes and tonnes of frozen water falling down the two peaks with nowhere to go but on top of the place they were standing. The crushing death was inevitable. F'Urdan became known as Frostfoot, the one who would summon frost and snow to destroy that which would hurt his kin, no matter the consequence. And since that day, those few ogres brave and strong enough to sacrifice all to defeat their enemies would be given the great title of Frostfoot.
  8. Not quite! The full saying is - 'Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, a silver sixpence in your shoe' A silver sixpence was old english currency. A lot of people miss off the end of the saying and its fallen a little out of use as modern moneydoes not include a six pence coin anymore. The idea was having money in your shoe brought the couple prosperity!
  9. Dogbert was particularly pleased with himself. The four gifts had been one of his favourite tasks, he liked instructions that were clear and he hadn’t even asked for any help from the boss this time! Something old. Dogbert was a 17th generation Dogbert, and his family had been calling first born Dogberts since before Blood Bowl existed. The inheritance was usually either a load of debt or at best some tatty equipment, but his great great grandfather had been given horn caps for winning a Death Bowl Tournament in his youth. The caps were dented and too small for Dogberts horns, but would certainly be a nice pair of earrings for Lennifer. Something new. Boof!!!! The dire wolf may not be a spring chicken, but he was new to Lennifer. And what respectable ogre would not want their own hound walking down the aisle with them? Plus Dogbert had been training him to not bite people unless told. Its was slow progress but Boof had only maimed one person all morning today! Something borrowed. The carriage was the most beautiful he had seen. It was made with the finest wood and steal, the curves and line, the gold tinted rivets. It was a real thing of beauty and with 6 horse power it would be able to carry him and Lennifer without killing the horses! It had taken all of Dogberts limited charm (and a lot of intimidation) in order to borrow the carriage from the local dealership Lambo-genie, but they lived up to their slogan of making wishes come true. He had only borrowed it for the weekend, but was hopeful they could take it for a spin. Something blue. This was the hardest one to find and cost Dogbert most of his savings (admittedly that was not a great deal of money in the first place!). But there was no finer taste than a bottle of Phoenix Fire Wine, its dark blue colour and the fact it burns once opened until drank, made this the drink of choice. No whiskey can cause the warm burn that a good glug of Phoenix Fire Wine does, and being 80% proof adds to the fun! Dogbert’s mum had loved the old sayings and he remembered her saying the ‘something old, something new’ one often. Normally this was of little use in daily life, but Dogbert saw this as a rare opportunity to get a few bonus points as he knew the rest of the saying. It was hard work, but he managed to get hold of a Silver Sixpence and arranged for a local gnoblar to sneak in to Lennifer’s home and hide it in one of her huge shoes. If a job was worth doing, it was worth doing right!
  10. Clack, clack, clack Coach Fantus could hear Dogbert pacing the corridor waiting for him. The giant minotaur seemed to have grown in to himself but despite being 8ft of muscle and horn he still lacked a lot of confidence! If for no other reason than to stop the pacing, Coach Fantus shouted out for him to come in to his office and tell him what’s wrong. “I ain’t never been on a date before boss. And I don’t know what to do. I ain’t got no summer palace or like any fancy food and I don’t have much silver to my name.” Dogbert was clearly frustrated as he got louder and louder in his complaint. Coach Fantus just smiled like a wise grandparent about to bestow some secret wisdom. “A first date is not about being showy, or impressing her” he stated. “Its about finding the things you love and make you happy and experiencing them together. Think of a date which does that and you will be on to a winner”. Dogbert repeated the words over and over in his head. What does he love and what makes him happy… --------------------------------------------- Dogbert led Lennifer down deeper in to the city, they were now fully among the slums and old abandoned warehouses. Lennifers face was still smiling, but a line of concern was starting to appear on her brow. This only deepened as the minotaur led her towards a large old shipping yard which had a lot of noise coming from it and two particularly ugly black orcs on the door. The door orcs took one look at them and decided they didn’t really want any trouble and let them both inside. The smell hit them straight away. Sweat and grime and dirty fur. The noise of dogs, squigs and direwolves growling and snapping filled the air and the room was full of a range of scum and villains from across the old world, with betting slips held high. Lennifer gasped as she realised this was a animal fighting ring, she was an ogre, but she wasn’t a monster, and betting on animal fighting was definitely not her thing. She turned her glare on Dogbert, surprised by the level of her own anger and disappointment at him. Dogbert was confused by the look he was receiving from her, and started to try and explain. “The boss said what do I love and what makes me happy. Well I love animals, and fighting makes me happy!”. Clearly Lennifer was not impressed with the answer and started to walk away. As she took her first step, Dogbert handed her a large wooden club, with a metal band and spikes at the top. A moment of confusion swept her up. “Whats this for?” she asked. Dogbert pointed to a particularly fat chaos dwarf sat on a small stage. “He is the boss of this place. I thought you can get first hit. Though I bagsy the troll next to him, I saw him kicking his chaos hound last week”. Lennifers face lit up. Dogbert didn't want to watch the animal fighting, he wanted to kill people being mean to animals! This was definitely something she can get behind. With a smile, she turned round and went charging towards the owner, club raised high, and Dogbert roaring and following her... --------------------------------------------- The sun rose as they sat laughing on the hillside. They were arguing playfully over who had killed and maimed most people in the crowd, laughing at the way the owners head had exploded under that first hit. One of the older, more battered direwolves they had freed lay sleeping by Lennifers side, he appeared to have bonded with her quickly. Lennifer and Dogbert looked at each other and there was a moment of silence... Then the bell tolled for morning and Lennifer jumped up, she had not realised the time and had practice this morning before her match. The giant direwolf stood to leave with her, but Dogbert agreed he would after the giant doggy for her, but only on the condition that she comes up with a name before next week’s task. Lennifer started to leave then rushed back and gave Dogbert a kiss on his cheek before running down the hill to the training ground. It’s extremely rare to see a minotaur blush, but after the kiss Dogbert definitely had a slightly red flush to his face.
  11. The match was busy for a lower division, the sight of woodelf blood always brings the fans out. Dogbert had made sure they were at the front. The original owners of the seats had quickly moved when he had 'politely' asked them to. The match started off with Lennifer picking up the ball, and even Coach Fantus had to admit she was as dexterous as most players he had coached himself! But then the familiar static filled the air, and moments later lightning hit Lennifer. Chaos erupted. Lennifer was not seriously hurt, but the sight filled Dogbert with rage. The Minotaur charged through the crowd towards where the bolt had come from. The match progressed and the whistle went for half time and Dogbert re-emerged from the crowd, his shiny horns now soaked in blood and his face with a huge smile on it. The second half saw the ogres charge upfield, and Dogbert's smile just got bigger and bigger as he watched his beloved score the winner. This had been a good day for the Mino. Dogbert was aware he still hadn't spoken to Lennifer, so after the match he left her a note (obviously he got a local goblin to scribe it as he can't write!) To Lennifer You was really good and scored a good touchdown I like your face I killed that wizard for you, I still have some of his body parts if you want them. Dogbert xxx
  12. The door knocked for the third time. Coach Fantus gave up on ignoring it, clearly whoever they were had no plans to leave without speaking to him. “Come in” he called, barely looking up from his desk. The heavy scraping of Dogbert’s hooves gave him away. “Erm… Boss…. I kinda need your help” Can a Minotaur look sheepish?? Because Coach Fantus was sure he was looking at his feet and refusing to make eye contact. This was a side to his bodyguard he had never seen before. “Have you clogged the toilet again?? Eaten another one of our Goblin accountants?” “Much worse Boss. I am in Love!” The silence hung in the air. Coach Fantus had never really thought about Dogbert as anything other than muscle to keep the riff raff out. It had never occurred to him he might have a softer side to his nature. “Her name is Lennifer, she is soooo beautiful. Her hair glistens with grease, her nose ring sits low and her 7 teeth are the perfect shade of mustard. My horns are itchy just thinking about her!” The whole conversation was extremely unsettling for Coach Fantus. And more to the point, he was not quite sure why Dogbert was coming to him. “And you see, erm… I have kinda gone on a game show to win her love…. And I don’t really know what to do now” The lightbulb came on. Dogbert was still young as a Minotaur, and had worked for Coach Fantus ever since completing his first year guarding a maze (they all have to do a year, it’s some weird tradition). Dogbert had never been on as much as a date. “I was hoping you might be able to help boss” Coach Fantus smiled. Dogbert was not the brightest, but he was loyal, and he only killed and maimed those he thought were bad guys. That was saying a lot. If Dogbert liked this woman, then so Nuffle help him, Coach Fantus would do his best to help! "Grab your horn cleaner and come with me Dogbert, lets go watch her play!"
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