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Orca Cola Championship


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  1. 3 points
    Episode 8 Addendum: From the bushes crept one of Nes' Servents. "I'm sssorry, massster. We have failed you! We thought to lock away the opposssition so you could win the competition for sssure!". The creepy crawler made his way to his master's feet, groveling before his Elven Lord. Nes, still recovering from being hit by a Goddamn Minotaur, felt betrayed. Not only did his Servents go behind his back, they actually thought he would lose a contest of any kind? PREPOSTEROUS! As the Elf Lord got back on his feet he realized that over the course of the competition, he may have gone a little soft. His confidence and natural High Elf cockiness had made way for sympathy, camaraderie and... fair play. How did he go from this: To this: In order to save face and cling on to whatever High Elf-pride he had left in his body, Nes kicked the Servent in the face and turned around to face Lennifer and the Handsome Coach. "I... yield." he coughed. "I am no longer worthy of this Ogress' love. I have gone from a stoic competitor to a bumbling fool. The shame of having my Servents step in without my knowledge has made me realize that my insides have gone smooth and soft, much like my fair, white skin. I will go back to training with my kin and I will become the grandest Catcher this land has ever know. And after I've grown older, more handsome and more experienced, then I will be worthy of a good woman's love. No... the BEST woman's love." Nes held his head high, turned back around and started walking away, sure that he would become the greatest player in all the land. On his way out, he slipped the backstage-pass in to Dogberts trunks. A token of kindness for a new friend. Lennifer waddled over to Dogbert and picked him up from off the ground. She carried the big lug inside, to recover from his imprisonment. "Looks like yer back in, big boy" she whispered in his ear, "See ya at the game!". It looks like @Fantus will be one of our finalists after all! @brocCooLi, give our regards to Nes and let him know that we wish him the best. It's probably better like this because having two Elves in the final would just be silly!
  2. 2 points
    Now that there's fewer contestants, everyone has had a lot more time to spend with Lennifer, our Bachelogrette, getting to know her inside and out. We cannot legally air the inside parts, so here's a little of the outside. Nes seemed uncharacteristically nervous after hearing about this week's challenge. His agitated state was a far cry from his usual cocky demeanour. He told Lennifer about his youth and how he never had to develop any real skill since he could just throw money at any and all of his problems. He seemed almost scared, like he finally got caught and was forced to reveal who he truly was. Lennifer and Nes sat down together and after the Elf got done pouring out his heart, the Ogress held him in her arms for what seemed like an eternity. She told him that he was special and that he had talents. After all, he was the most experienced player on his entire team! It was a lovely TV moment, where the High Elf's outer crust was finally broken to reveal a more sympathetic character we all can relate to, even for a moment... . Nes wasn't lying about his lasagne though, it was pretty killer. Lenny also showed us a side of himself we hadn't seen before, but in a much stranger way than Nes did. It turns out this Elven Catcher knows a whole lot about eggs. He had egg stories coming out of his cloaca and entertained Lennifer for hours and hours with fun, little did-you-know's and egg-facts and it was surprisingly entertaining. Did you know that Echidnas laid eggs? I sure didn't! It was fun to see Lenny and Lennifer interact and bond over such a silly subject, it really made them look like an adorable couple. Dogbert was nowhere to be found... . The entire week went by and the Minotaur did not show his furry face the entire time. Did he get cold feet? Did he change his mind? Or has a more sinister fate befallen the horned Bachelor? Perhaps we will never know... . ----- The garden looks beautiful as always, but something feels a little different this time around. Lenny and Nes are sitting in front of the podium where Lennifer and the Handsome Coach are standing. There is no trace of the Ceremonial Table or the Elimination Rock. The Handsome Coach steps forth and speaks... . "Gentle-Elves, as you may notice, there's only two of you remaining. We have tried to find out where Dogbert is hiding but alas we have come up empty-handed. This means that Dogbert is automatically eliminated and the two of you are our finalists! Congratulations!" Several servant-Gnoblars clap enthusiastically, but Lennifer phones it in for the camera. She's obviously upset. How could the big, huggable Mino just disappear like that? As the noise dies down, the Handsome Coach speaks up once more; "Normally, we'd have @Fantus come in and share a few words, but since we have no clue where he is, we're going to skip that part. @brocCooLi and @Suido, there's no real challenge for you this week... . As it turns out, the Women with Attitude are playing P'Elvic Thrust for Match Day 9 and we're all heading out for the game. Nes, we have special back-stage passes for you, so you can join the WwA dug-out and support your lovable Bachelogrette from the comfort of a bench that's drenched in Ogre sweat! And I'm sure we'll hear from Lenny after the game is over,... if he survives, that is... ."
  3. 2 points
  4. 2 points
    First there was a shriek in the distance. Followed by more gasps and then screams. The crashing sound was all around the studio and a torrent of people were running past Lennifer and the two remaining contestants. The camera's were all still on, and the shows editor saw a bloodied and bruised Dogbert charging forward. He quickly ordered the crew to start filming. You can't buy a good mauling that is live on TV! Dogbert's face was full of fury. His head was down and horns up as he charged towards Lennifer, Nes and Lenny. The ground shook. Lennifer braced herself as the appeared to be charging straight in to his beloved.... But at the last minute he turned and slammed full strength in to Nes. The elfs body flew across the studio and Dogbert roared in satisfaction! "Lennifer!! That skinny elf thing had me locked inside his basement!!" Dogbert glared over at the limp form of the elf. "He invited me round for a talk, then gave me some drink, and then I wakes up in a cage under his house!" "I had to wait until tonight when the guards were watching the show to escape, they were all clapping at him getting to the final when I ripped off the door and skewed them all!" The numbers of wounds and cuts on Dogbert gave testimony it had not been an easy battle to escape. "I only wanted to show you my special talent" The minotaur pulled out a small severely cracked set of drums which had clearly not survived the last week. And with that, Dogbert slid to the floor from exhaustion.
  5. 2 points
    It may surprise you, but I was not always the hugely talented, gorgeous, heart-throb player you see before you today. Who's really really ridiculously good looking? This guy. My origins were not so glamorous. I grew up poor, but happy, on my parents' egg farm. You heard right. Egg farm, not chickens. We farmed any animal that lays eggs. So I know a little something something about this most vital of foodstuffs. Firstly, dat protein. These days you can't be a rock star or a superstar blood bowlers without hitting the gym and making gains. Pound for pound, chicken eggs have more total protein content than meat. Word. Fact number two. Been pranked by your housemate who hard boiled all your eggs? I know the feeling. Here's a neat trick to tell between a cooked and uncooked egg. Spin it like a record. If the insides are liquid, the egg won't spin well cos it's all sloshing around. If the insides are solid, it'll go like a fidget spinner. Bonus physics included in this fact. 3. You can tell what colour egg a chicken will lay by looking at the earlobes. Five. Echidna eggs are bloody hard to collect. The echidna will lay on its back, pop the egg out and immediately store it in its pouch. If you don't intercept the egg right then, give up. The echidna is one of two mammals that lay eggs, which is totally believable when you consider this is all happening in a world inhabited by dragons and shit. VI. Dragon eggs are even harder to collect, but the real problems start once you have them. Ain't no one shadier than a dragon egg dealer. [number Lennifer can count to]. The study of eggs is called oology. The study of the sound my fans make when I enter a room is oooooology. Finally, eggs make great protest props. Egging pompous gits is a time honoured tradition, most recently continued by a young man who egged a racist, fascist politician the day after he blamed a mass shooting of brown people on excessive immigration. It was fucking awesome. The boy was rescued from the far right thug supporters by the police, who subsequently released him without charge. Anyway. I am the eggman. Coo-coo-cachoo. See you on the pitch next week, Lennifer. Any chance I get, I'm gonna be hitting (on) you.
  6. 1 point
  7. 1 point
  8. 1 point
    Hey, Nes, you can still come to the match, tickets and pupcorn are on me. I have a better record against minotaurs than elves, anyway.
  9. 1 point
    Dogbert watched Nes turn to start to walk away. The giant minotaur charges towards him again. A flicker of fear crosses the elf's perfect complexion, then he feels himself being lifted up in a giant hug while Dogbert starts laughing. "Nes and Dogbert will be friends forever!" Dogbert was practically swinging the high elf around, immune to the winces as the elf's battered body is still aching from being slammed.
  10. 1 point
    (how can I even be mad or angry when this is so funny? Nes should be upset but nope ) "Im sorry that I dissapointed you all. But most, I dissapointed myself." Nes lower his head and wipes a tear from his face. "And I hope you all can see that I at least have changed. From that arrogant high elf that thought that money was all, to what I am today, a friend to you all. Im really sorry for my earlier behavior. Right now Im just happy to have experienced this and that it made me change into a better me." Nes looks up at Lennifer, Lenny and Dogbert. "If its ok for you, I would be really happy to pay for the wedding and a honey moon. Its the least I can do."
  11. 1 point
    It's a Lizardman Servant, also knows as a Serpent Servant, also known as a Servent.
  12. 1 point
    I’ve already voted for all of them. Good luck choosing a winner!
  13. 1 point
  14. 1 point
    Season 10, Match Day 7: One, two, three, four, let us go Bone-Head some more! Game result page HERE! WOMEN WITH ATTITUDE VS RAGSVED RUDEBOYS Ah, High Elves, the second Elf team that proves nearly unstoppable by Ogres. Not since we faced the DELFonics in Season 8 have we suffered a loss as terrible as this one. @razta's team of very Swedishly named fancy-men show up in the Women with Attitude's Fancy Rental and at first glance, there's nothing too dangerous about them, besides a couple of players: Barrington Levy: Dodge, +ST Blitzer. Syster Sol: Block, Dodge, Side Step Catcher. Dawn Penn: Dodge, Mighty Blow, +AG, Block Catcher. The Inducements are what we expected, a Wizard, 2 Bloodweiser Babes and Prince Moranion, who provides the only Tackle on the entire team. The gals hope to force the Wizard out ASAP and decide to Kick. It's a play we've been trying out and it's been a while since one of our opponents actually hired a Wizard. A very shallow kick gets the ball right on the Line of Scrimmage but at the end of the Rudeboys' turn, it's tucked away behind an Elf screen. The ladies' first turn isn't that special, we pull back a little to form a screen of our own, waiting for the Elves to make their move. After a bit of poking and prodding, Cleveland Steamer dies a brutal death and multiple Catchers swarm our backfield as the Elves descend on the left flank. Bichelle Omaha makes Congo Natty (rookie Blitzer) leave his earthly body behind, but at this point there's already very little we can do to stop the Rudeboys from scoring thanks to some unfortunate Bone-Heads. Turn 4 comes around, 0-1 for the Rudeboys. It's the Elves turn to kick-off and a High Kick allows our newest AG4 Gnobbie, Donkey Punch III, to grab the ball as it falls from the sky. With only 5 turns to go, we're hoping to protect him until there's a chance to toss his tiny behind forward. Our punches are ineffective, Tug of Love gets the boot in on General Levy (rookie Lineman) and removes him from play. The Rudeboys form another screen in between the Ogres on the Line of Scrimmage and Lennifer Jaw-Rends and her Gnoblar cohorts in the back, but we recover somewhat and get something that looks like a cage going with Donkey Punch III hidden away. That is, until fire rains from the sky, knocking down our ball-carrier and several of the ladies. The Elves have little trouble collecting the ball and by the time their turn is over only Amy Shawarma is left standing. Lennifer gets K.O.'d by Prince Moranion and (spoiler alert) she won't be waking up for the rest of the game. The girls try their best and get a few K.O.'s, but with 2 Bloodweiser Babes on the other side it's essentially pointless. The Rudeboys score again on turn 8, 0-2 for the High Elves. With their Kicker back on the field, a TTM play is impossible and multiple Bone-Heads later, our last turn before half-time ends with Paris Killton being taken down by a Lineman with Block. The second half has us fielding both +AG Gnoblars as we're down 4 players. Lennifer staying K.O.'d is a huge deal, as she would normally take over ball-carrying duties in this scenario. White Dragon recovers the pigskin and he has quite a bit of support nearby in the form of Ellen Rip-You-A-Part-Ley and Paris. The Rudeboys don't go super-offensive right away, allowing Ellen to knock down Syster Sol so Full Nelson III can come in and boot his ass, netting us another permanent removal while White Dragon remains relatively safe. Our cage moves forward slowly as the gals knock out multiple fancymen, but we're quickly running out of time and Gnoblars... . With no way to fight ourselves out of the cage we made on the left flank, we attempt the TTM, and Ellen double Bone-Heads. We try and move White Dragon to safety, but there's no such thing as a safe space against Elves. Dawn Penn rolls by, dodges 4 or 5 times, takes down White Dragon and grabs the ball. Ellen and Amy surround the cocky Elf only to have him show off his dodging abilities once more. Turn 13 ends, 0-3 for the Rudeboys. With the 3 Elven K.O.'s all waking up again, the ladies have completely given up on the game at this point. All we can do is punch some Elves and hope to get some SPP by the time this travesty ends. Maybe get a lucky Touchdown while we're at it. The Kick is shallow, great for a TTM play, but a Perfect Defence ruins that idea real fast. With only 1 reroll remaining, our plan is to have one of the Gnobbies collect the pigskin so we can hand it off to Ellen, for safe keeping. Ellen has other plans, however and Bone-heads once more, forcing our hand. It's not long before Barrington Levy Blitzes Donkey Punch III down and the ball goes flying, right in to the hands of a random Lineman who actually catches it while standing next to 2 Ogres. The Rudeboys get the oval to safety, essentially securing a 4th Touchdown. Paris gets another good hit in for a little moral victory, but at the end of the day the game ends 0-4 for the Rudeboys. ----- A pretty devastating defeat. Not only because it was a 0-4, but also because we lost our Kick-Gnoblar and half of the injuries we caused were not worth any SPP, resulting in a very lackluster gain by the time the game was over. I felt like we tried our best, but Nuffle was definitely not on our side for this one. Several turns had 2 or 3 ladies going full Bone-Head and the double BH when it came time to throw our Gnoblar for an attempt at a Touchdown certainly did not help. I thought about it afterwards and figured that maybe we should have dedicated Ellen to be our ball-carrier after Lennifer got knocked out, but then we'd lose out on our only Tackle-piece. Ah well, you win some, you lose some. Good game to razta!
  15. 1 point
    Study is piled high with as yet unpacked boxes. The struggle continues. So you're definitely not closest to the mark, but I'll give your coin back.
  16. 1 point
    Dogbert was particularly pleased with himself. The four gifts had been one of his favourite tasks, he liked instructions that were clear and he hadn’t even asked for any help from the boss this time! Something old. Dogbert was a 17th generation Dogbert, and his family had been calling first born Dogberts since before Blood Bowl existed. The inheritance was usually either a load of debt or at best some tatty equipment, but his great great grandfather had been given horn caps for winning a Death Bowl Tournament in his youth. The caps were dented and too small for Dogberts horns, but would certainly be a nice pair of earrings for Lennifer. Something new. Boof!!!! The dire wolf may not be a spring chicken, but he was new to Lennifer. And what respectable ogre would not want their own hound walking down the aisle with them? Plus Dogbert had been training him to not bite people unless told. Its was slow progress but Boof had only maimed one person all morning today! Something borrowed. The carriage was the most beautiful he had seen. It was made with the finest wood and steal, the curves and line, the gold tinted rivets. It was a real thing of beauty and with 6 horse power it would be able to carry him and Lennifer without killing the horses! It had taken all of Dogberts limited charm (and a lot of intimidation) in order to borrow the carriage from the local dealership Lambo-genie, but they lived up to their slogan of making wishes come true. He had only borrowed it for the weekend, but was hopeful they could take it for a spin. Something blue. This was the hardest one to find and cost Dogbert most of his savings (admittedly that was not a great deal of money in the first place!). But there was no finer taste than a bottle of Phoenix Fire Wine, its dark blue colour and the fact it burns once opened until drank, made this the drink of choice. No whiskey can cause the warm burn that a good glug of Phoenix Fire Wine does, and being 80% proof adds to the fun! Dogbert’s mum had loved the old sayings and he remembered her saying the ‘something old, something new’ one often. Normally this was of little use in daily life, but Dogbert saw this as a rare opportunity to get a few bonus points as he knew the rest of the saying. It was hard work, but he managed to get hold of a Silver Sixpence and arranged for a local gnoblar to sneak in to Lennifer’s home and hide it in one of her huge shoes. If a job was worth doing, it was worth doing right!
  17. 1 point
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